Expired Feelings

Dim reflection.

Photo probably doesn’t have any real meaning. I just liked it. It doesn’t have the same feel as in person, I guess I needed a larger angle.

Though I guess if you look deep enough into anything, there are always potential hidden meanings.

So if you’re that kind of person, feel free to ponder.

Actually, think about it a bit more than you usually would. For me. Because even if the story always has hidden beauty to it, reality works differently. So give it an extra second or two. To make up for reality’s lack of it.

A Lot More Thoughts Than I Originally Thought

A fake selfie (I took this) to start out the post.

It’s been a while since my last blog.

To be technically accurate, it’s been 74 days since my last blog, but I really don’t count that as an entry. It was a very forced entry that I did because:

1. I was feeling upset
2. I hadn’t made a post in 60 days, and felt that I need to at least post something. I mean if Stephanie can hit her quota of 1 blog/month, I should be able to do the same right?
3. I was pretty fucking upset.

So if I discount the previous entry, I get a total of 134 days since my previous post.

Facing the Windows

So I was going to discuss the topic I discussed for my Personal Commitment presentation for 395, since it was something that had been on my mind, and there were things I wanted to say about it that I couldn’t really discuss during a presentation. Mostly because it wasn’t relevant.

But then I didn’t feel like it. I mean, I wrote about 1.5k as a script to myself, and then had to read it at least 10 times over, and I absolutely loathe re-reading my own work.

The idea just became a little stale. My ideas became a little less unique. My thoughts became more stubborn.

Maybe another time, I guess. If I remember that is.

Instead, here’s something else I’ve wanted to try. It’s different from what I usually do (I’d like to think). Hopefully it’ll address the point that I wanted it to.

Anyways, don’t get your hopes up. I really suck/hate/dislike this style of writing.  It’s just not me. I can read it how I want it to be written, but I can’t write it how I want it to be spoken.

Hopefully you’ll understand what I mean.

It’s all brand new

Welcome to 2016.

I didn’t say that in my last post, well actually I didn’t say anything in my last post, so I guess that is a moot point.

So… yeah.

Haven’t blogged in a while, but there’s not much to say there. Or at least, not much I want to say about it.

Every time I think about talking about my blog delays, I just get reminded of this xkcd comic.

Well, I thought this would be a good time for another one of those new years resolution blogs.

But I was going to make it different, by first checking up on my 2015 resolutions. So I went into my post history, and found the post I made on January 1st.

Oh.

Well then I’ll go to 2014’s resolutions!

Oh. There isn’t any.

2013?

Nope.

W E L L T H E N.

Total Lunar Eclipse

Coincides with the same day that is mid-autumn festival, a Chinese holiday. The weeks leading up to it, I kept wondering if I should be giving to people moon cakes, since that’s what Chinese people do during these things. But then I always would wonder if it would be weird for me to do it, since even though I am Chinese, I’m very westernized, and my friends aren’t really into that culture either. But it was just some constant thought in the back of my head.

Anyways, today was a total lunar eclipse. That’s when the Earth’s shadow covers up the entire moon, making it look a different colour. I had to take pictures of this for my Astronomy class’ assignment. At first I thought of it as a really annoying thing. I had to go all the way to UBC at 7pm, to take pictures behind the Museum of Anthropology on a cold night.

Not enjoyable.

Things I’m not: Spontaneous, Exciting, Engaging, Proactive, Sociable, Commanding, Outgoing, Charismatic

I finally thought I had gotten away from SFU’s Business 202 course about teamwork, communication, character development, personal strengths, and group inclusion.

And I was right.

Commerce 202 (UBC’s course) is a different beast.

A beast focused on resumes, cover letters, interviews, and general job seeking advice.

In fact the only real similarity between the two courses is the course code of ‘202’.

SFU’s is a much more group-oriented course that betters yourself through practicing real world skills, while UBC’s is a self-centered course to better your own chances through experience, and not development.

But what brings me to this blog tonight is there similarity – Personal Profiling.

God.

I.

Hate.

These.

So.

Much.

A Long Road Ahead

Tomorrow’s the first day of school.

Kind of.

It’s ‘Imagine Day’. Basically a tour around campus, not really school time. It won’t be until Wednesday that the true grind starts to come back. Back to the academic focused lifestyle.

However I feel much like an eighth grader entering their new secondary school. Mainly because of UBC actually being a new school for me.

I guess I feel a little excited and nervous. Maybe it’s a good thing, maybe it’s a bad thing.

Hidden Hole

I am tired.

I really am.

Not like done-with-your-shit kind of tired, but physically tired.

I slept maybe 34 hours last week. If you just take a average that’s less than 5 hours a day. Then you hear I slept 10 hours on Sunday. 24/6 = 4 hours average over the other days.

Today I slept 4 too.

Why?

Because I’ve been studying.

No, it’s not what you’re thinking of. I haven’t been studying 12 hours a day, or 8pm to 4am.

I’ve been studying from 12am-4am.

Why am I studying so late?

Because I need to study before a midterm.

Why not earlier?

That’s what I’ve been asking myself. I think it has a lot to do with how unmotivated I am these days. This entire term hasn’t seen me be motivated. There’s not much large assignments, and it’s mainly group projects. Perfect things to slack off on (sorry team). Right now I just don’t feel like there is a reason for me to try hard.

Sure, I can get a job.

Sure, I can get a high GPA.

Sure, I can transfer and do god know’s what.

Sure, my parents will be happy.

But those aren’t things that are motivating me right now.

I think of a job, and all I can think is ‘who cares’. I’m basically working a job right now on Friday’s at the office, and it’s nothing exciting.

A high GPA could be nice, but honestly I have no use for it. I am in the faculty I want to be, and 3rd year courses average mark is a B now. I might not be at the school I want to be, or able to have impressive grades, but right now they don’t mean much.

I could transfer to UBC. Or McGill. Or god knows where else with a high(er) GPA. But what’s the point? I’m satisfied here. UBC might be nice, with more people I know, but in reality there’s little to no difference. Going anywhere else would cost more, and wouldn’t be worth it.

My parents would be happier if I was at a more well-known school. That’s undeniable. They would be more proud of me going to UPenn than they would be of me achieving 4.33 GPA at SFU. But when they asked me why it mattered to transfer to UBC, and that SFU is a very good school and that I shouldn’t transfer, it didn’t seem to be something they have on their mind.

So right now, I have no reason to do anything.

I can abide the rules and just be an average student.

Rules prevent disaster, but promote mediocrity.

But when that doesn’t matter to you, the phrase doesn’t work.

I’m satisfied where I am.

But there’s that quote.

Show me a satisfied man, and I’ll show you a failure.

I don’t know what to say to that.

I know what it means.

I know the benefits.

I understand that it’s better that where I am now.

But right now, I’m satisfied.

Satisfied and tired.

Two things that when mixed together creates mediocrity.

Content with the present, and unwilling to move.

Exactly how I am right now.

Until I took off my jacket.

Now there’s a new feeling.

Satisfied, tired and depressed.

On second thought, maybe it wasn’t a new feeling.

Just a re-surfaced old one.

Another Day, Another Time

I just want to start off by saying that I really don’t like the new default WordPress admin page (the dashboard).

Just having to press that extra button to toggle back into ‘Classic View’, or whatever they call it, just bothers me.

Why can’t they just save this preference for me?

And why isn’t there a button to toggle back to the new one (there probably is one, but it’s not as easy to find…)? How else am I suppose to get these quotes correct?!

University of God Knows Where

Right now I’m in Taiwan, but I’m tired and haven’t sorted out some thoughts regarding anything. Though when did I ever start a blog with a plan?

But anyways.

Some old(er) news: I’ve been accepted into Beedie.

Honestly I don’t know what I would really do with myself if I didn’t get accepted. I had to rush and change my schedule for the Fall term in order to retake a course (misguided me didn’t even realize that if I didn’t retake something, my core GPA would not change). Then because I struggled with the embarrassment of having to retake a course (in hindsight not that much of a problem), I had just said I was taking 4 courses. I probably blew that cover when I was complaining about exams though. The fact that I had 3 exams in 28 hours and then 2 more later kind of revealed I had more than just 4 courses. I don’t think anyone gave a single shit. Which is probably normal, it’s just me that’s abnormal.

Anyways. I’m in, and I had to swap courses again in order to accept it (apparently they make all Beedie students take some weird team-working course). I’m not retaking anything this time, so I won’t be trying to be dumb with that information again, but instead I just have 6 courses.

I’m taking Business 207, which is essential Intermediate Microeconomics (Econ201), which I literally just finished, as the 6th course. I don’t get credits for this course, because Econ201 & Bus207 are related courses and requirements that need one can be replaced with the other course. Also because Econ201 gives more in the first place.

So why am I doing something so irrational and dumb?

Because of UBC.

UBC doesn’t consider Econ201 and Bus207 to be courses with transferable credits between them, so in order to apply for third year Sauder transfer, I’m going to have to face the terror that is a 6th course. I already have trouble getting accustomed to cramming 5 courses in under a week, where am I going to find enough Christmas miracles (WHEN IT’S NOT EVEN CHRISTMAS) to let me do 6? And it’s not even like some of these courses are unimportant (okay some of them are, but the unimportant ones are the GPA boosters…),  there’s no real hierarchy of courses like last term.

Why am I even transferring to UBC?

Who the fuck really knows.

Okay, I get it, I know.

And that’s true.

Kind of.

After one and a half years on the mountain, I still can’t say I really enjoy it up there.

Feels lonely, feels far, and feels isolated.

The first point is because I really haven’t tried to make too many new friends, or even good new friends. Nor did I join any clubs. Though I really don’t like how most clubs start at like 5pm on a day where I don’t have class after 3. Nor do I like how they’ll finish at like 7 and I’ll get home at 9. Then have to suffer through the badgering of questions from my parents (okay, just my mom) about this 9pm arrival and then start procrastinating on schoolwork.

Though that’s still a huge fucking excuse.

How? Reason 2.

How it’s far to transit to.

One and a half hours of transit isn’t too bad anymore (considering how I’m asleep for 80% of the trip). But that’s about 3 hours of my day just going to school. That is a huge waste of time. It’s really hard to wake up at 5:45 in the morning in order to make it for the sole one hour tutorial with participation marks that day. And before you ask, yes, I’ve had that. 3 hours of transit for a 50 minute TUTORIAL that is somehow worth 10% of my final mark based on whether I attempt some homework questions in class does not bode well for my motivation to succeed in that class, let alone the tutorial.

So transferring to UBC will reduce that time at all?

Nope.

Still one and a half hours there. Literally no change in transit times. It probably becomes harder to sleep on the bus while going to UBC instead of SFU because of the continuous bus transfers I would have to make in the first 30 minutes. Honestly, I’d probably miss classes because I would sleep pass one of my stops and waste time.

So complaint 3, isolation.

UBC sure as hell isn’t isolated. For starters, it’s not on a mountain.

There’s also non-students there. There are stores there. There’s even more than one fucking bus out of the damn place (to be fair SFU has like 4, though I only use 1).

Basically it’s connected to facilities that aren’t just school-related. And that is a heavy, heavy breathe of fresh air.

If you look at my 3 complaints, you’ll pretty much realize only the last one is a valid one.

#1 – I’m to blame really.

#2 – This isn’t even a relevant issue when comparing the two.

#3 – The mountain is terrible. Though Surrey campus is a significantly more vibrant location.

So why do I actually want to transfer? #3 isn’t even that large of a problem considering I probably am not going to go to some pub or window shop after class.

It’s probably because I’m just lazy. It’s much easier to work with people you already know than those you don’t. There’s already a large circle of friends at UBC, so there’s much less work needed there.

The other reason is probably because I feel like I have something to prove to myself. Being rejected twice isn’t a little bug bite that heals even if you don’t treat it. I already had some confidence issues at the start of Fall 2014 & my 3rd application to Beedie. Apparently I was able to surmount that. Part of me feels brainwashed into thinking SFU is a sub-par school compared to UBC, which keeps making me want to transfer. Then again, there’s also this miniscule part of me that wants to apply to Sauder, get accepted, than decline that shit for some minor ego boost.

I’m sure its known my ego isn’t high enough to do that in the first place.

Maybe I have some additional reasons to get into UBC (I do), but I don’t think they’re as important as these. Or I just don’t want to reveal them.

They’re my secret.

A commodity I rarely have nowadays.