Unrelated picture I have on my phone to make sure this mobile-made blog is going to have something. 

It’s been 2 months since I’ve started working.

Work has been progressing fine. I might even call it good.

I’m learning a lot. I’ve never felt such a connection to the nonsensical accounting drivel that was spoken about during university. All those assertions, confirmations, PPP cycles, consolidation, spot rates, and risk determinations that I previously unconsciously dismissed as something that wasn’t worth remembering has now come back in waves. I guess I shouldn’t denounce it like that, but the idea remains the same.

I understand this is a personal blog, so I have every right possible to continue discussing the accounting witchcraft I’ve been experiencing, but I’ll show some self restraint and refrain from it. I guess I’m also required to maintain confidentiality on some of this stuff, but it’s probably because I’m too lazy to type all that out.

I’m also interested in learning about people.

I feel like it’s hard for me to get to a stage of closeness where I can learn about them. I think it’s just my overall personality is too… “polite”? And not so much personable. It’s been difficult for me to get to know my coworkers. During work I really only want to work, but after work I don’t feel like I know them well enough to chat. I feel like I estrange myself from them, which is making it hard. Though, it’s gets better over time as I spend more time with them, but it’s just that I’m not a social butterfly who gets on good terms with everyone fast. I feel like when it comes to group conversations, I play the role of like the 4th person in a conversation, whatever that means to you.

Changing my own habits is difficult.

Recently though, I’ve been getting to know someone online. My guild leader in the SAO phone game I play. It’s weird, I feel such a motivation and willingness to learn more about them, yet I don’t feel like this with others. Is there some reason for that?

Skip to the night before CFE results. I’m a little stressed. Stressed from the being deathly sick on the weekend. Stressed from spending my weekend on useless accounting modules. Stressed from DT saying he’ll never ask us for badminton again. Stressed that my assignment is due Friday and I’m not submitting early. Stressed that today I can’t get any work done. Just a little bit stressed.

I’m also tired. Tired of feeling anti-social. Tired of not having fixed the things I want to fix. Tired of finding excuses for them.

So the night leading up to CFE results, I’m probably the least energized I’ve been since starting work. On the night I should be the most energized for all of this.

I remember some years ago, Cindy said that she wanted to go to a nightclub. I forgot what I said, or if I even said it, but I said something like “I’ll go with you”.

Today I went to The Roxy. A nightclub in downtown beside the Vogue, and is a mid-size firm tradition for the night before CFE results.

I’m not a CFE writer this year. I haven’t put the 2 years of work, busy seasons, module exams, late night classwork, and stupid workshops like they have. But they have. And the culmination of allthat ends with the results of a 3 day. It reminds me a lot of IB, but more stressful.

Tonight is a day designed to loosen the writers up, before they get their results the morning afterwards. This is the tipping point for the rest of their accounting career, and for some of them, that has been their life.

So how could I not attend? As someone who has only started about 2 months ago, the writers are literally teachers to me. And as someone who constantly reminded them of the slowly arriving results day, I had to attend. It was required of me.

Sure. It starts out with a CFE lunch. I join the non-pubco (my team) table because I thought all the tables were full. I feel like I’ve wronged my team by ditching them casually. I enjoy myself talking to a few other new starts.

Then the after work Lion’s Pub event starts at 5pm. This is the pre-event to the Roxy nightclub day-ender after 8pm.

Lion’s pub. It’s loud. Loud enough that I need to lean in to hear people talk. I mean, there’s 100 of us squeezed into an area that places tables that sits about 30. It’s a little bit of a pain, and I only know pubco people, but I’m spread far away from them, and I hate these events. The reaction for me is to just try to shrink into the wall. I somehow find sanity in hanging out with some Juniors, and make it through to 7:30pm, where pubco is having a dinner.

After a brief fight with the other Juniors about abandoning them, we go to a restaurant. I don’t talk too much, but I try to stay engaged in the conversations. Normal for me, and that’s what I like. I learn that most of them prefer different things from me, but that’s normal. If they didn’t, they’d just be me.

Then we go to the Roxy. A loud nightclub full of other mid-sized accounting firms trying to get their writers’ minds off of tomorrow.

It’s everything I imagined it being, and nothing as I imagined.

I think the easiest way I can describe my feelings is that was everything that I didn’t like in a social outing. A bunch of people I don’t know. It’s too loud for me to hear anything. Everyone wants to dance. Drinks are piling on. I can’t hear anyone. The music is being drowned out by chatter.

All I want to do is just shrink into the wall. Become one, with the wall. That’s all I want to do. I’m really not about this nightclub life. I prefer singing to dancing, whispering to screaming, and small groups to big groups. My entire rational brain is telling me that this is not my space. That I need to leave. To forget this place and just escape into a corner.

I tried a bit to force myself to do something. That went okay. But I’m not a super social kind of person, j don’t make friends instantly, and I really hate multi-person conversations. What I like is learning about people, and I feel like these events are not conductive to truly learning about people.

Maybe I’m just wrong though. What I like isn’t learning about people, but learning about people that I like. These are the moments where having a relationship sounds tempting. When you’re at a low point, you can link up with someone else to get better. To find comfort in someone else, that’s what I longed for. I feel a little like I left a bit of myself in the Roxy, never to be found again. At least I managed to say bye to 2 out of the 3 CFE writers on my team (that attended). I felt too mentally tired to cross the line to say bye to the 3rd one. There were too many other people, so even my obligation towards them wasn’t enough.

These are the times I truly wish for another person. Someone to just complain to, and then let loose. Someone who I feel is responsible for handling this, or else I feel like I’m unnecessarily burdening someone.

But at least tonight let me know who I need to appreciate at work more.

But back to the idea that I only like learning about people I like. I like my guild leader. She’s a good person. I’ve struggled with this before, but what truly is the difference between getting to know someone you like, and falling for someone. I think that is worded poorly. I used to think that I just start to fall for people that I get to know better. I felt like my crushes were all based on me feeling close to them, so I felt like I loved them. Like “yes, this must be the feeling”. But recently, I’m starting to wonder if it is because I like them, that’s why I’m getting close to them. Thinking that makes me realize there are females in this world that I feel close to, but I never have had these weird feelings for. It also makes me realize, is this like the first step towards starting a relationship? Is this what I had been doing for all those years prior?

That’s a small revelation in itself for me. Giving myself the small chance of not being weird and desperate, and more just… normal. The idea that I’m not some stupid anti-social guy that is falsely attributing closeness and friendliness with attraction. That’s a nice idea. Understanding that makes me a lot more willing to mine pursue something, even if it’s unlikely.

This is an acceptable understanding after a long day. I’m not sure what these new feelings will develop into, but I’m going it’s for the better. I won’t make any future plans, and just let life take it’s course.

I mean, it hasn’t failed me yet has it?