Year end group photo for the new year.

My 2017’s new year goals are here.

I have no words to waste so lets get started.

To summarize:

  1. 210 lb.
  2. CPA articling position (JOB)
  3. Engage conversation more
  4. Carry-on journal

To answer:

  1. Not achieved, I don’t even need to weigh myself to know.
  2. Got ’em.
  3. Maybe?
  4. Forgotten.

Weight

I hate how I look. Though, it’s not enough to constantly motivate me. Even before my 4 month gym break since August, there were plenty of times where I would push myself a little less hard on days, or I would do a routine that is more “cruising” than “improving”. I would skip some days to “focus on school” (exams and assignments), but when I got home to do the work, I would still procrastinate to the last minute.

I also don’t walk that much at school anyways. My parking spot is pretty far from anything the average UBC student uses, so I get a few thousand steps in per school day from that, then if I just go between places a bit more, I easily hit 6000+. That keeps me at least moving, I guess.

While my “target” was 210lb, it was never something I aimed for. I mean, I weighed myself twice afterwards. A lot of the goal was just to develop a healthier lifestyle/habit, which worked for a bit. It was also to wait to see if I could notice any physical change, which I never really could (with certainty). There were plenty of times where I would think that something could have changed, but I wasn’t ever sure about it. It made motivation a bit harder. Though plenty of people at one point did say I looked thinner than the previous year (2016) and they swore by it. There were enough random people who said it that it made me kind of believe it.

Job

I did it.

I start in September.

I’m still a bit nervous and scared. I half except to show up in September and be told they had to cut back on new-hires and forgot to tell me. Or that I’ve been forgotten in the mailing system, or that I’m going to fuck up something in the application scheduling and not make the requirements, or CPA is going to change their audit score requirement to 61% and my 60% in audit won’t make the cut.

But outside of that, I have something lined up. My worries are a different kind of worry, but it’s a much better worry. Life’s looking a lot more secure now, and it seems like a have a clearer idea of the route I want to go. All the networking and interview question thinking showed me a bit more about the kind of stuff I want to do. I look forward to September to do some more of that learning.

Also the money, I guess. I needed to start being able to live off my own income at least.

Social

I think I’ve gotten better? There are plenty of times where I do jack shit, but I find that when forced I can actually find conversation. I just gotta turn off most of the filter and let all my thoughts flow out. Though sometimes that’s hard when I feel pressured or I have the thought that “I have to talk”. That really kills anything I have going for me.

I noticed that during networking and recruiting events, I was able to hold conversation pretty well. In fact, I was pretty surprised at just exactly how well I was making conversation. It was weird.

Maybe it has to do with all my mental preparation of things to ask/talk about in those topics. Those really helped me build some sort of confidence that I would have stuff to fall back on. In the start of Winter term, I had that kind of baseless confidence about conversations too. Now I’m a lot more back into the old mellow feeling me. Not sure if that’s a good or bad thing though. Sometimes I just need to turn my brain off. No brain, no pain.

I have been putting more time and attention into the UBC esports association. It was one of the things I wanted to focus more on this school year. Even with the on-going drama, I still want to work on the club. I have interacted a lot more with these people this year though, so maybe that’s something to include for this social aspect?

Journal

Lol.

The last time I wrote in it was July 9th. There’s plenty of things I could’ve written about in it. It’s still nice that I have one, but for me I just used it to do some impromptu blogging while relaxing outside. It’s cold outside so thats unlikely to happen until sometime later. I also use Google Keep for any actual “remember it later” kind of things because it’s more convenient. I guess the journal is really just for “looks”. It def is super cool, but I haven’t put it into practice. I’m glad I got a Midori instead of a Hobonichi planner, because I don’t have to worry about wasting a full year of it not writing much in it.

Anyways, fountain pen + small notebook isn’t very fun to write on anyways. I like the idea of a notebook, I just don’t find the execution of it that smooth. The leather is hella quality though.

JV also wrote something on the last page. I don’t even know when it was because I haven’t checked in so long.

2018?

What about my goals for 2018 then?

I guess I’ll keep the weight one, because that went poorly.

I’ll keep my social one too, because that is a continuous development.

I’ll scrape the journal one for now, until I figure out what path I want to take with it.

I guess I’ll add “doing well at my job” too, but that doesn’t start until September so it’s not really something I can work on all year.

I do want to start to change the way I dress, I guess. I want to be more… “fashionable”? I guess “presentable” is a nice way of saying to too. I guess I want a more “classy”, “formal” kind of look to my clothing, rather than it being a whole bunch of “whatever goes” kind of stuff. Less graphic tees and more single colours. More different kinds of clothes as well. I don’t really want to fully change by wardrobe by next year, but I definitely want to start directing it towards something. I guess I also need more “professional” dress shirts that can match with other things well. Pants and shoes too, I guess. I need to start preparing a business work environment wardrobe, because how you dress is of decent importance there.

I contemplated adding “finding a relationship” to this year’s goals, but honestly I don’t really know how to feel about it. Of course, being in a relationship would be enjoyable, and I do want  to get married someday, but I think it’s my lack of confidence that makes me unwilling to go that extra step from thinking to doing. Sometime ago I made a blog saying I felt more confident than before, and it was true. I felt like I finally stopped being this turtle living in his shell and started to experience the world. At the same time, that’s only made me realize all the things I am lacking when compared to other people.

It’s like moving from a basement suite to the ground floor. Sure, I’m finally getting sunlight and fresh air through my windows, but all that is showing me is the tens of steps needed to reach the next floor in a 50-storey high-rise. 

I’m not sure I’ll ever feel confident enough in myself. No matter what I’ve ever improved in, it has always resulted in learning something else I could improve on. Of course, there’s nothing truly that is known as perfection, but wanting to be better today than yesterday drives me. Actually, a better way to phrase that would be “I work to improve because I don’t want to be seen as inferior”. I currently see myself as incredibly inferior to most of my peers, and it really weighs on me. I don’t look nice, I’m not fit, I don’t have any inspirational goals, plenty of people have better skills than me in my hobbies, I don’t have incredibly dedication or focus, I lose motivation easily, I second guess myself over everything, I’m unsociable, I’m stubborn, I have trouble communicating, and none of that has changed for the better in plenty of years. How could anyone even try to like someone who hates everything about themselves? It’s like I have no true skill that I can say I’m good in. Nothing I do is really special or standout, and everything I do can be done by someone else.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I don’t have a “place” in this world yet. I can’t see one that I’d fit in, and I don’t think I can carve one out for myself. 

This has gotten a bit depressing, so I’m going to stop. It’s ruining the smile that the group photo put on my face.

I guess finding a way to motivate myself is important too.

So to summarize:

  1. Routine exercise. Optimal amounts are 2-3 times a week.
  2. Be more outgoing and confident in engaging and holding conversations of all kinds. (Not just work, or things that interest me)
  3. Change the direction of my wardrobe to be more aligned with the fashion-image I want to portray. More business-like/formal, I guess.
  4. Try different things/methods to self motivate and continue with goals even in poor times.
  5. Don’t suck at my job when it starts in September.

When you compare them to what I wrote last year, they seem a lot less detailed and more vague. I guess that comes with the fact I didn’t spend that much time thinking about them as compared to last year. But maybe a more vague goal is what I need? Though if it is too vague I won’t remember it and work on it. It is a bit of an accomplishment that I remembered 2017’s goals and worked on them throughout the year.

 

Advertisements