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Learning is Addicting

Unrelated picture I have on my phone to make sure this mobile-made blog is going to have something. 

It’s been 2 months since I’ve started working.

Work has been progressing fine. I might even call it good.

I’m learning a lot. I’ve never felt such a connection to the nonsensical accounting drivel that was spoken about during university. All those assertions, confirmations, PPP cycles, consolidation, spot rates, and risk determinations that I previously unconsciously dismissed as something that wasn’t worth remembering has now come back in waves. I guess I shouldn’t denounce it like that, but the idea remains the same.

I understand this is a personal blog, so I have every right possible to continue discussing the accounting witchcraft I’ve been experiencing, but I’ll show some self restraint and refrain from it. I guess I’m also required to maintain confidentiality on some of this stuff, but it’s probably because I’m too lazy to type all that out.

I’m also interested in learning about people.

I feel like it’s hard for me to get to a stage of closeness where I can learn about them. I think it’s just my overall personality is too… “polite”? And not so much personable. It’s been difficult for me to get to know my coworkers. During work I really only want to work, but after work I don’t feel like I know them well enough to chat. I feel like I estrange myself from them, which is making it hard. Though, it’s gets better over time as I spend more time with them, but it’s just that I’m not a social butterfly who gets on good terms with everyone fast. I feel like when it comes to group conversations, I play the role of like the 4th person in a conversation, whatever that means to you.

Changing my own habits is difficult.

Recently though, I’ve been getting to know someone online. My guild leader in the SAO phone game I play. It’s weird, I feel such a motivation and willingness to learn more about them, yet I don’t feel like this with others. Is there some reason for that?

Skip to the night before CFE results. I’m a little stressed. Stressed from the being deathly sick on the weekend. Stressed from spending my weekend on useless accounting modules. Stressed from DT saying he’ll never ask us for badminton again. Stressed that my assignment is due Friday and I’m not submitting early. Stressed that today I can’t get any work done. Just a little bit stressed.

I’m also tired. Tired of feeling anti-social. Tired of not having fixed the things I want to fix. Tired of finding excuses for them.

So the night leading up to CFE results, I’m probably the least energized I’ve been since starting work. On the night I should be the most energized for all of this.

I remember some years ago, Cindy said that she wanted to go to a nightclub. I forgot what I said, or if I even said it, but I said something like “I’ll go with you”.

Today I went to The Roxy. A nightclub in downtown beside the Vogue, and is a mid-size firm tradition for the night before CFE results.

I’m not a CFE writer this year. I haven’t put the 2 years of work, busy seasons, module exams, late night classwork, and stupid workshops like they have. But they have. And the culmination of allthat ends with the results of a 3 day. It reminds me a lot of IB, but more stressful.

Tonight is a day designed to loosen the writers up, before they get their results the morning afterwards. This is the tipping point for the rest of their accounting career, and for some of them, that has been their life.

So how could I not attend? As someone who has only started about 2 months ago, the writers are literally teachers to me. And as someone who constantly reminded them of the slowly arriving results day, I had to attend. It was required of me.

Sure. It starts out with a CFE lunch. I join the non-pubco (my team) table because I thought all the tables were full. I feel like I’ve wronged my team by ditching them casually. I enjoy myself talking to a few other new starts.

Then the after work Lion’s Pub event starts at 5pm. This is the pre-event to the Roxy nightclub day-ender after 8pm.

Lion’s pub. It’s loud. Loud enough that I need to lean in to hear people talk. I mean, there’s 100 of us squeezed into an area that places tables that sits about 30. It’s a little bit of a pain, and I only know pubco people, but I’m spread far away from them, and I hate these events. The reaction for me is to just try to shrink into the wall. I somehow find sanity in hanging out with some Juniors, and make it through to 7:30pm, where pubco is having a dinner.

After a brief fight with the other Juniors about abandoning them, we go to a restaurant. I don’t talk too much, but I try to stay engaged in the conversations. Normal for me, and that’s what I like. I learn that most of them prefer different things from me, but that’s normal. If they didn’t, they’d just be me.

Then we go to the Roxy. A loud nightclub full of other mid-sized accounting firms trying to get their writers’ minds off of tomorrow.

It’s everything I imagined it being, and nothing as I imagined.

I think the easiest way I can describe my feelings is that was everything that I didn’t like in a social outing. A bunch of people I don’t know. It’s too loud for me to hear anything. Everyone wants to dance. Drinks are piling on. I can’t hear anyone. The music is being drowned out by chatter.

All I want to do is just shrink into the wall. Become one, with the wall. That’s all I want to do. I’m really not about this nightclub life. I prefer singing to dancing, whispering to screaming, and small groups to big groups. My entire rational brain is telling me that this is not my space. That I need to leave. To forget this place and just escape into a corner.

I tried a bit to force myself to do something. That went okay. But I’m not a super social kind of person, j don’t make friends instantly, and I really hate multi-person conversations. What I like is learning about people, and I feel like these events are not conductive to truly learning about people.

Maybe I’m just wrong though. What I like isn’t learning about people, but learning about people that I like. These are the moments where having a relationship sounds tempting. When you’re at a low point, you can link up with someone else to get better. To find comfort in someone else, that’s what I longed for. I feel a little like I left a bit of myself in the Roxy, never to be found again. At least I managed to say bye to 2 out of the 3 CFE writers on my team (that attended). I felt too mentally tired to cross the line to say bye to the 3rd one. There were too many other people, so even my obligation towards them wasn’t enough.

These are the times I truly wish for another person. Someone to just complain to, and then let loose. Someone who I feel is responsible for handling this, or else I feel like I’m unnecessarily burdening someone.

But at least tonight let me know who I need to appreciate at work more.

But back to the idea that I only like learning about people I like. I like my guild leader. She’s a good person. I’ve struggled with this before, but what truly is the difference between getting to know someone you like, and falling for someone. I think that is worded poorly. I used to think that I just start to fall for people that I get to know better. I felt like my crushes were all based on me feeling close to them, so I felt like I loved them. Like “yes, this must be the feeling”. But recently, I’m starting to wonder if it is because I like them, that’s why I’m getting close to them. Thinking that makes me realize there are females in this world that I feel close to, but I never have had these weird feelings for. It also makes me realize, is this like the first step towards starting a relationship? Is this what I had been doing for all those years prior?

That’s a small revelation in itself for me. Giving myself the small chance of not being weird and desperate, and more just… normal. The idea that I’m not some stupid anti-social guy that is falsely attributing closeness and friendliness with attraction. That’s a nice idea. Understanding that makes me a lot more willing to mine pursue something, even if it’s unlikely.

This is an acceptable understanding after a long day. I’m not sure what these new feelings will develop into, but I’m going it’s for the better. I won’t make any future plans, and just let life take it’s course.

I mean, it hasn’t failed me yet has it?

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Catherine

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Just in time for the new Catherine (video game) teasers!

Sometimes life works in strange ways.

The Past

I had almost forgotten about Catherine, a shy girl the same age as me who lived with me for almost 3 weeks back in 2010. And then out of nowhere, she was going to live with me again for 10 days this time. Suddenly, all the memories that I was so close to forgetting came out into prominence. Trying to remember her must have kicked all of them back to me. A quick trip to my previous blog on Google’s blogger showed that my memories were mostly correct. Pulling up old photos from 2010 (before I started to really save my photos!) reinforced them once again.

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Birthday Blog

For the first 4 months of the new school year starting with September, I felt a sense of freedom that I had never felt before. It was liberating having multiple days per week without class, having maybe 1 assignment per month, having no real attachment to the classes I was taking. These courses didn’t shackle me to live a routine lifestyle like previously, and this new sensation was exhilarating.

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2018

Year end group photo for the new year.

My 2017’s new year goals are here.

I have no words to waste so lets get started.

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Cowardice

Ayooo

Unrelated photo again.


Woke up a lot later than usually, so I decided that rushing to make the last 30

 minutes of my morning class wasn’t worth it.

The entire trip to campus, I was thinking about what to do about this iPhone. And how I would contact Bill. I’m not on league most of the time, so how am I gonna contact him? He deleted me off WeChat and probably doesn’t use Facebook at all. I could text him, but does he still have me on his phone? I’ll have to just try to find him on league, and at worst text him. Hopefully it doesn’t look too obvious that I’m trying to reach out to him because he has some family problems. He is supposedly very suspicious of people right now.

I kept thinking about this as I was walking to class. Not so I could go to class, but so I could sit around outside and wait for my Prof to leave before I walk into the same room for my following class. Awkward.

I’m almost at Henry Angus, until I see this person that looks like Megan. I haven’t spent much time thinking what to do if I saw her, and was pretty shocked. You know, in my head she had already graduated. It made sense to me, it’s been 4 years since high school after all.

I reacted slowly because my mind was pre-occupied, and because she was far away, I trailed her. The entire time I felt like such a fucking creep for doing that. In my head I was trying to justify it with “I’m just making sure it’s her.” So when I did end up confirming (as much as I can for someone who hasn’t interacted with the other for like 9 years), I had no clue what to do.

Well, I knew what to do, go up to her and ask her if she’s actually Megan, and if she remembers me. But in practice I couldn’t do it. 

It’s a bit funny, because I remembered thinking “I can force myself to talk to potential employers, talking to someone I actually know should be easy.” It did not go like that.

I did nothing.

I don’t really even know why I was so scared. Like… what? I’m just asking someone a question, the worst that could happen is that she says no and I apologise for taking her time. Like…what’s wrong with me?

Is it because it isn’t something I “have” to do, so I can rationalize it as something I am not required to do? Networking sucks so much more, but I view that as ‘necessary’ so I went ahead and did it. But this was definitely not necessary, and there’s no real way to trick myself into thinking that.

Man, I’m such a fucking coward. I’m overly hesistant to do things because I fear feeling embarrassed or doing something wrong. It should be fine to fuck up, but I can’t accept it. I can accept it for small things like assignments and stuff, where a mistake will lead me to improving later on. Though there has always been that feeling of “I should’ve known better” after noticing my mistake. 

Is it because I’m a perfectionist? I don’t even think that way of myself. I haven’t thought that way for ages. I’ve been shown reality through IB, that I definitely wasn’t. Mistakes happened to me all the time then. Then is it the environment I grew up in? My parents did always stress that I shouldn’t make mistakes. I was always chastised for anything I did wrong. Is that why I grew up thinking like this? I feel like a lot of my innate reactions can be kind of tracked to my childhood environment. This really scares me. It’s had been so long since then, and my parents are a bit different from then. And I personally believe differently as well. Then how come I’m still like this?

Sigh. If I ever have a child, I’m going to have to put some effort in to changing my tendencies so they don’t go through this. 

Next week, I’m probably going to ditch Wednesday’s class again. Just to see if I will be given another chance. Because something tells me that she isn’t there normally at this time.

A Throwback

Unrelated photos are my specialty.

I should be doing my presentation right now. In fact, I have Word open on my other monitor with some notes written.

I don’t have a script or anything prepared, but I’m okay with that… for now.

This is probably a little bit more important to me right now.

I mean, I can’t really make my presentation will completely distracted can I?

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Looks super cult-ish.

So it’s been some months (4 to be specific) since my last blog.

It definitely didn’t feel that long for me, but now that I’m realizing it is already October, I am back in reality.

So what have I been up to since June?

Well, let us find out!

In an anime, this is where the flashback scene would occur. Therefore…

F L A S H B A C K ! ! !

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Feeling forgetful

Unrelated photo is unrelated.

I woke up this morning thinking it was 6am, and went back to bed.

But then I slowly came to realize that my phone alarm was ringing and that meant it was 7, so I eventually got up after 10 minutes of it screaming.

Begrudgingly went and took a shower to try and wake myself you after a few hours of sleep, and then get ready to deal with stupid merges on the road.

Surprisingly there was little traffic on the road to school, and I got there pretty early considering the bonus shut eye I took. Someone up there took pity on me for driving while tired.

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A FG/O box

It’s been forever since I’ve used my phone to write any meaningful amount of text for a blog, so what am I doing at 12:30am doing what I have avoided for so long?

Good question.

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Your Lord & Savior

The title is based off this song.

I’ve had Lukas Graham’s album on my phone for a few months now. I’ve also heard this song so many times, and enjoyed it every time. It reminded me a bit of It’s a Hard Knock Life (I’ve never seen the movie), and the lyrics meant something.

For some reason today was different. While on my drive back from school, the song was the first to be played off my phone. The lyrics seemed to make me think about how it related to my life, and for the first time I really felt something.

I’m not trying to analyze a song or anything in this blog, so I guess this is where I briefly list the rest of the things I hope to hit during this post (in no particular order):

  • LCS Spring Finals
  • Computing Science Minor ???
  • CPA Recruit
  • Death of the private blog
  • Wanting to feel needed
  • Thoughts from the song
  • Alcohol
  • Summer plans?
  • 2017 goals update
  • Why people react negatively to other people’s words
  • Hiking
  • Photography
  • Relaxing
  • Being dependable
  • Sonic
  • Other unrelated thoughts

Yikes. I didn’t think there were that many small things.

Looks like I’m in for a long one again.

Side note, you’ll be seeing a lot of photos from LCS Finals & hiking cause that’s all I got. Maybe I’ll sneak in some Europe ones.

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