I just want to start off by saying that I really don’t like the new default WordPress admin page (the dashboard).

Just having to press that extra button to toggle back into ‘Classic View’, or whatever they call it, just bothers me.

Why can’t they just save this preference for me?

And why isn’t there a button to toggle back to the new one (there probably is one, but it’s not as easy to find…)? How else am I suppose to get these quotes correct?!

Anyways.

Yesterday was my second longest day of classes.

3 hours.

Or well, it should have been 4 hours, but I didn’t have tutorial since it’s the first week!

That’s just how easy my schedule is.

It belies the fact that I’m taking 6 courses.

I wonder how upset Engineering students would be to here that.

6 courses, and my schedule looks like I only have 3.

Though of course it doesn’t show my online course. For which I’m really done absolutely nothing in so far.

I’ve been thinking about applying for UBC or not again. I walked into my BUS 202 (some class that’s about learning how to work in a team, cool [not really]) and learned I had to do ‘reflections’. Essentially they’re asking me to make blogs with predetermined topics… for marks!

Really killing any intrinsic interest I have for making these things, man. And to make it worse, they only mark 3 of the 9 I will be writing, and each one is worth 10%, so I will never know which one is being marked.

Which is supposed to mean I try really hard on each one, but instead just makes me not give a shit about any of them.

For example, the first one, due at 11:59 on Friday, I only started to write at 11pm, and finished in about 20 minutes. Screw them.

Anyways.

Bus 202. I walked into this class to get told we were going to be learning how to work in teams. I mean Organizational Behavior (OB) kinda taught me the theory on how you’re supposed to work in a team, but anyone who isn’t out there to ruin someone’s mood would understand how to work as a team. ‘But this course is all about hands-on while OB is about theory.’ Yeah? Is that why we spent every tutorial doing team bonding activities? OB was probably the course where I interacted and bonded with group members (only 2, really) the most. And it was because that was the goal! So why the hell am I taking this course again?

Question did not get answered. To be fair, I didn’t exactly ask that. I really couldn’t ask that.

The associate dean (or whatever his title is) walked in to talk to us. Literally the first thing he said was that SFU has many designations (he listed an American one and a European one) that signify the Beedie school strives for excellence. Something about less than 1% of business schools have it. Cute.

To be honest, I could really care less about the ranking of a school. But the peer pressure of people coming from ‘better’ schools is overwhelming anything I’d like to think for myself. Though just seeing and hearing the dean talk about this course (it being a new course to help Beedie students have a competitive edge over other business school students) and other things about the school gave me the impression that he really cares. Though, most high ranking people actually care about the school they’re working for. That’s why they’re high ranking.

Anyways.

I felt swayed to not apply. Though I knew it was just a momentary feeling, it still made me feel a bit at ease. I still haven’t wrote my Personal Profile yet, I’m planning to start/finish this weekend, before classes really start piling up the work.

So before the dean talks or the class even starts, this girl walks beside me and sits next to me. I looked up to see who it was, and it was Sarah.

Oh boy. I’m in for a long ride, I thought.

Hey, you were in my Econ class.

Last year?

Yeah, 105.

Oh yeah, you’re Sarah right?

And that’s how I found someone to talk to in this lonely class. Though not exactly what I expected.

Honestly, I didn’t exactly know how to think of the situation. Sarah’s a nice person and all but, she really reminds me of Sally and Jessica Z. in the way she asks questions in class (without the whole kinda herpderp attitude), how she approaches school work, a bit of professional attitude and a large part of religion. Too scary for me. At the end of the Fall term last year (in Econ), she invited me to some religion thing she was hosting in her house. Something about talking about and introducing people to God (capitalized? or not? I’m not exactly sure what religion, I just assumed Catholic). I didn’t know how to say no to that. It’s hard for me, some who doesn’t interact with religion at all (although some of my friends are religious, they’re not exactly strangers so I can just say ‘lolno’), I find it extremely difficult to approach the topic of religion with strangers/acquaintances. I’m not sure how I declined her offer, but probably filled with stumbles and inability to clearly express myself, but I think she was smart enough to figure out I wasn’t really interested. Not sure if that was offensive or not. I can never tell with religion, some people are cool about it, and some are pretty in-your-face about it. I think she’s pretty calm about it.

So when she sat down beside me, it was kind of a weird feeling. Something like nervousness, afraid, unsure, and ‘wtf is this foreign creature here’. Due to some question or whatever, some guy on the other side of the room said something like ‘successful people aren’t cut from a different cloth or anything, they’re just (quote unquote) regular people just like you and me’. It was some great timing on his part, and it really helped me ease myself for the coming situation.

Having to share more personal things.

Introduction in groups of 3s (flexible number). What is your background/environment/personality and how does that affect how you approach group work and life.

Well.

I thought about one point, but said another point (I’m way to lazy and embarrassed to talk about it…). The two points counteracted each other in how they change me (in my opinion of course!) so by only really saying one, I’ve effectively made the two others (Sarah and Hang [international student from China, she had her own TaoBao {Chinese eBay, basically} store for a while and made some money]) have a one sided opinion of me.

Then Sarah talked about how she came into this class very jaded due to her preconceived notion that this class was sort of useless (someone told her). Made her feel human, and not some foreign creature, cut from a different cloth.

I eased up a lot after that. She was also quite liberal about the whole ‘CAN’T TALK DURING CLASS GUYS’, but maybe it was only since this class seems useless, so that made it even easier.

Felt a lot better leaving that class.

Well good luck with that, see you next week?

Definitely.

Some reason that last exchange left an impression.

Onto Thursday’s classes (202 was on Wednesday).

Literally nothing exciting happened. I took notes in Arch 100 (I feel like Peter and Daniel don’t give a shit, though I really don’t either, I’m just trying to care), then fell asleep twice in Econ 280 (it was so boring). Besides the fact that me sleeping in classes is beyond rare (maybe if i did like an all-nighter I’d close my eyes but still listen), I did it twice. In one class. I am so screwed for this class.

Time to go home. But first, to eat lunch solo at school, or wait til 4pm to eat it. So I ate it.

Walked towards the bus loop. As I got close, I thought I saw someone’s back that I recognized. A girl’s. No, not Sarah’s, I don’t know her well enough to recognize her. Instead, I think I saw Lily (not the IB one, mind you). While I am tempted to say I haven’t seen in her around 3 years, I did see her my first term for  like 5 seconds as we both said ‘Hi’ and rushed to class. I haven’t exactly talked to her in 3 years. The last time probably being the last time I ever went to that extracurricular math class (which is kind of a story by itself if I ever feel like it). She’s a pretty energetic girl. Maybe a bit to energetic, and maybe a bit too brash (is this the right word?), and maybe just enjoys hitting me (physically, ow) a bit too much. Reminds me a lot of Sharon without the whole negative school approach and way more happy/open/enthusiastic about everything.

So that’s what I was thinking when I first saw her last year.

Instead I met this talkative girl who seemed uncomfortable talking.

Maybe I just surprised her. Maybe school was sucking (she never was exactly too good at academics). Maybe personal life issues. Who really knows, I can’t exactly say much about it.

So that really struck me as strange.

I really wanted to just talk to her. Not for any noble goal of wanting to help or whatever, but just to catch up. She’s was probably (I say probably because… who knows) a closer friend than some others. Or at least a more enjoyable one to talk to.

Probably just a surprise. And distance from time.

Though first, I have to make sure it’s her. Haven’t really seen her much in 3 years, could be totally wrong.

So a spent some minutes trying to see it was her. Kind of hard when you’re behind someone. This was my mistake (not the only one!).

She was taking the 135 bus. I take the 145. It’s a street apart. No, it was not the other side of the road, so I still got to see her back.

I was so unsure what to do. It seemed like it was her, but my eyes are utter shit (sad days) and there was things blocking my view. I also felt kind of weird staring at this girl from like 30-50 meters away for multiple minutes (probably like 15 in total in the end) so I didn’t do anything.

I could take the 135, it’s not like I have to take a massive detour to Delta or anything. It’s what Daniel takes to get to school, it’s a viable option for me.

But I didn’t go there.

So hesitant.

So unsure.

So regretful.

Once she left (the 135 is a nicer, emptier, and more frequent bus ride than the 145), I had heavy regrets.

I didn’t learn anything from the time with Shingeki no Umbrella (okay this is a terrible name, you can have that) girl, nor with OB (WHICH I JUST TALKED ABOUT AS BEING AN OPEN AND INTERACTIVE GROUP EXPERIENCE) presentations near the end and other times (aka: I don’t remember [aka: don’t want to remember]). Felt incredibly bad. Awful. Negative. Regretful. Depressed. Whatever negative, unhappy, unsatisfied word you could use. I was feeling it.

I promised myself I’d go see if it was her next week.

But that doesn’t mean shit since it was the first week and we didn’t have tutorials. What if she had a class now next week? What if she drops/adds new courses? And the fact that it’s 20 minutes after the typical end of class time (since I was eating lunch and looking at my phone during that time) doesn’t exactly help my case. What do I do? Wait inside the school near the exit until she shows up, if at all? Just pray to god (maybe that religion thing at Sarah’s house would have helped) and hope I get this chance again? I can’t help but feel I got ‘tested’ again. By who, I’m not sure, nor care. But they gave me another chance after the emptiness that was that fateful Thursday in Spring term after coming from a Psychology study.

Oh. It was a Thursday that day too.

Is this supposed to be a sick joke? A trial of progression? A test to adulthood?

That reminds me, I’m approaching 20 soon.

I’m still 16 at heart, but 20 is the age where you can’t be a ‘child’ anymore. Too old to say ‘he’s still just a child’, too young to say ‘he’s too old to understand you’.

I think regular 20 year old students should be able to deal with this.

Hell, regular 16 year old kids probably could. Or 14. Maybe not. Hopefully not.

I pray next Thursday will be a better chance.

Maybe I could just ask her on Facebook.

Nah. If I can’t even talk to her in person, how am I even going to bring myself to randomly spark up a conversation with someone I don’t exactly have a reason to talk to?

Though that’s a problem with me.

Too unsure.

Too uncertain.

Too afraid.

Too hopefully for next time.

 

Maybe next time.

Advertisements