Tomorrow’s the first day of school.

Kind of.

It’s ‘Imagine Day’. Basically a tour around campus, not really school time. It won’t be until Wednesday that the true grind starts to come back. Back to the academic focused lifestyle.

However I feel much like an eighth grader entering their new secondary school. Mainly because of UBC actually being a new school for me.

I guess I feel a little excited and nervous. Maybe it’s a good thing, maybe it’s a bad thing.

Thinking about what next year is going to be like is kind of strange. Success at UBC Sauder is a lot more connections and networking based than SFU. Although maybe it’s not true, I only have that impression off what I know between the two. Information from Alexander makes UBC look a lot more difficult than SFU was, but that could just be my lack of information on SFU. Regardless, I know there’s networking events, CPA Recruit, Co-op interviews and a lot more social interactions ahead of me. Beyond that, there’s still the problem of having to spend 6 years for a Bachelors, which in the  grand scheme of things isn’t a lot, but right now to be it is. Then there’s also the feeling I have of being satisfied. I think I’ve talked a bit about this, but being satisfied doesn’t help when trying to achieve something new. Finally, I still have personal troubles unrelated to school to deal with. Maybe I’ll go through these one by one.

Networking & Interactions

There’s a lot of networking to do to find a co-op position, internship, or CPA Recruit position, and I hate it. I hate the idea of networking, but I understand it. Of course it’s better to hire someone after you know more about them than just looking at a resume. Showing interest, a good personality, and the eagerness to improve are good traits that are hard to understand through some black symbols on white paper. I guess it makes sense. I still don’t like it though. I much rather just hand in a resume, a typical co-op cover letter, and answer the typical interview questions. Less hassle, less pain, less talking.

Something about talking is just hard to me. I guess it’s just finding the right balance between ‘showing your personality’ and ‘keeping it professional’. If I wanted to just talk, I’d find someone talkative and go hang out – or something like that. I’m not exactly the active side of a conversation, so my conversations usually relate to the few topics I kind of care about, and then it’s gone. I also have a problem with thinking of questions on the spot, especially when it isn’t because I am interested. It makes it hard to network. How do you keep a conversation going to try to present your better side if the conversation doesn’t interest you? Maybe the job interests you, or the profession is your preferred option for things beyond the work. Maybe there are things you enjoy about the profession that you don’t know about yet. It’s hard.

Slightly related to this is making new friends. That sounds super depressing that I’m here sitting on my chair, describing to my online outlet (which it isn’t much of now) that I find it hard to make friends. It’s not that I haven’t made any friends at university, it’s that I haven’t made any real friends at university. First off, let me define what I mean by real friends. Actually, I don’t think I can. Strange, isn’t it? I am trying to imply there is a distinct difference between friends and friends. Something about familiarity, similar interests, closeness, and feeling of calmness. There’s probably also an aspect of filters, recklessness, and honesty there too. But something about university has made it hard for me to make any of those. Maybe I should join clubs, keep conversations with people (beyond just school work), and try to interact with them in life more. But it’s hard. It’s painful to have people judge you. It’s awkward to have long silences. It’s sad when you realize there’s no similar interests between the two of you.

I guess I’m just afraid. Afraid of failure of any sort. Whether it be academic, social, personal, metaphorical, or something else. Makes me not want to get close.

Although I’ll maybe give it a try this week, as it seems I’ll be forced to.

Six Years

Wow. One extra year. Twelve months. Fifty-two weeks. Three hundred and sixty-five days. Eight thousand seven hundred sixty hours. Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes. Thirty-one million five hundred thirty-six thousand seconds.

One year.

Maybe 1% of my total life span. Pretty insignificant.

And it’s not as if I’ll just lose that year either. I will still be at school, maybe working, definitely learning, and hopefully trying.

But something about it just makes it feel long. Makes it feel bad. Makes me feel inadequate.

A lot of people tell me that one year is really nothing. It really isn’t. What is one year of time for young adults? That is the perfect time to explore, take risks, and challenge yourself. It becomes so much more harder when you’re older to waste away time. As a parent, a year could mean missing many special memories of their child. It could also mean painful experiences. There’s so much more to be lost for an older individual than a younger one, when it’s about time.

But I guess it’s social pressure. 4 years is standard for university. Five is for co-op, a bit abnormal. Six is for academically poor students.

I’m not saying I don’t belong in that last group, as my situation causing this error to occur is frankly because of it, but it still hurts to see. I guess I still have some ego left in me about academics. I was recently shown UBC’s % to GPA equivalency chart and I just generally took my SFU % marks over and saw that an 80% would be a 3.70.

Holy shit.

3.70.

To some people that wouldn’t matter. Nothing new. It could even be something negative. But for me it’s much different. 3.70 is an A. Yes, it’s the bottom spectrum of A’s but I haven’t ever seen myself as such a student. I’m forever the B student in my own world. This probably doesn’t help my ego. Geez.

It’s still weird. I could technically be a 3.70 GPA student, but I could also technically be a academically poor student.

I could also just be the average 3.10 GPA student I’ve always been.

Strange.

I guess for the six years issue, I’ve really glossed over it to most people. It’s not something I’m eager to share with others, but it’s not something I wouldn’t answer. I just brief the question, and most people don’t find it necessary to question it. A blessing and a curse, really.

Satisfaction Killed a Man

I’m satisfied.

That much is true.

Satisfied doesn’t mean I’ve accomplished the things I’ve wanted to do. It just means I’ve accepted the result that I have been given.

Satisficing is what I am doing.

I guess it isn’t too bad.

Oh, there it is again – satisficing.

Being satisfied with what I have is bad, at least I think. Maybe not bad as in my life will be ruined from it. But more towards it’s not as far as I could reach. I guess satisfaction is what really separates over achievers from regulars. It also separates the over achievers from those who truly ‘make it‘ in our world.

I’m satisfied I’m in UBC. I don’t feel much embarrassment telling people I’ve transferred from SFU to UBC. I do feel shame for my IB results, or lack thereof.

I’m satisfied with my circle of friends. I don’t feel the need to join other circles, or interact with new people.

I’m satisfied with just working a normal white-collar job. Nowhere super big name, just somewhere steady.

I feel like I’m 40 year old making decisions for a 20 year old, while only thinking of how it would affect my 40 year old self.

I should try to find some goal. Or something that I hate realizing about myself so I could work towards it. Reminds me of an article an Asian parent wrote describing her parenting methodologies versus her Caucasian husband’s. If only I could find it, it’s been so long. Maybe in due time I’ll find out where I stand in UBC. How that would affect my motivation, I have no clue.

Just By Myself

I guess the title of this segment lends to the idea of loneliness.

It would be accurate to guess that it is an issue I have with my personal life.

The previous Monday sure didn’t help at all towards that feeling. Bob and Sarah being exactly what I expected (and a bit more), and Sean’s tidbit of information regarding his soon-to-be- or-already-is ex-relationship. I guess the comparison made me feel a bit pressured. Just a bit. In fact, it would be categorized under things I would probably not notice if my parents didn’t somehow bring up that topic too. Then it was sectioned under ‘annoyances’.

Thinking of a relationship kind of makes my thoughts really only wander to someone. What would I do if I was in a relationship with them? Would anything change? What would be the same? How would our friends react and adapt? What in the world would I have to do to make that succeed anyways? What am I risking? Would it be worth it? And that’s when I cut my thoughts back to the reality where I don’t think there’s even the path of ‘success’ for it. In fact, it draws me all the way back to where I probably am misunderstanding someone trying to be a closer friend and a better person with someone having certain emotions – the more likely case.

When I get there, I don’t feel that pressure anymore.

Instead, it’s replaced with a bit of sadness and sorrow. Of course right now it kind of stings to think of it like that. The sting would decrease over time, and then cease to exist at some point. I would know, since its happened before.

Which brings me to an unrelated topic, but is kind of related. I had a short talk with someone about something that kind of stung. While it was due to another’s meddling and general annoyance (is my way of saying – thanks), it did help a lot. I no longer feel any such small sting I did once have discussing certain topics about them. I realize the last few sentences were very ambiguous and really said nothing, but that’s how it is.

With the aside being over, I find myself stuck in this kind of situation where I want to try something new, something I really haven’t done before and see how it is. Maybe then I could learn some things to help myself fix stuff in other areas, deliberate or not. However, I also find myself not being able to imagine situations like that, partly due to my lack of knowledge about it, but also partly because I don’t believe in scenario’s existence. Although each of my assumed misunderstandings seem to be tug and pull at my denial, making me work overtime to repair those loose ends. Maybe this is the whole ‘dense’ thing. Maybe I’m right. Who knows. I certainly would like to find out, and I’m certainly in a position where I could give this thing a try, but whether I will seems to be the real problem.

I understand I have some kind of ghetto promise to make the leap in around one and a half years, but damn that’s a long time. If I’m going to make the leap eventually, why not now? There’s possible issues that could prevent me from doing it in one and a half years, maybe ones larger than what I have now, why waste the time?

I know why. Because I enjoy this stability. This calmness, slight tug and twist of emotion, and the search for the ‘optimal’ solution. It makes it much more fun.

This Blog

While not a topic I listed, it is kind of bothering me. There are things and/or feelings I want to type out and just throw out into the world of the internet, but knowing the people who read this makes it a bit of a struggle. I could mask it with ambiguous terms and the like, but that doesn’t actually help me solve any of my problems. It was super helpful to me when I took some time to just write out some random thoughts about a topic on my physical notepad, but I can’t do things like that here. Also, just listing the events here makes it easy to find the connection to the people in question.

The answer would just to make another blog, but part of the reason why I write slightly personal things on a blog is the off chance that the person in question might read about the things and make the connection. There’s a little excitement, nervousness, and fear when it comes to posts like those, and those feelings really make the post worthwhile. However, that feeling only comes from the fact that they might discover the post and the connection. The idea that they definitely will discover them makes it just fearful. I don’t want to push a story to them, I’d much rather them just find a story about them. Making a new blog removes all possibility of that ever happening, especially if I just keep it to myself.

God, I sound like such a sensitive bitch. Can’t do this because of A, can’t do that because of B, and I sure as hell cannot do those because of both A, B and C!

Conclusion?

I never liked writing conclusions for essays. They always felt so boring, bland, and derived of personal flair. But that is because I don’t know how to write one that isn’t boring, bland, and derived of personal flair. Having a header called ‘Conclusion’ really doesn’t make this feel like a blog, even though the contents do.

In the end, all of my musing really is of no use. No use in that it won’t really change anything about me. I have a slightly clearer idea about what I am thinking about now, but it doesn’t really translate into a solution. Maybe some day I’ll find a solution to my above issue, and help myself clarify some things.

cortana please

I appreciate the effort, Cortana. But maybe next time…

In the mean time though, I’ve got to sleep, even if Cortana’s lullaby didn’t make me sleepy.

And no, I won’t go see more results on Bing.com, thank you very much, Microsoft.

 

Advertisements