Unrelated photos are my specialty.

I should be doing my presentation right now. In fact, I have Word open on my other monitor with some notes written.

I don’t have a script or anything prepared, but I’m okay with that… for now.

This is probably a little bit more important to me right now.

I mean, I can’t really make my presentation will completely distracted can I?

Amusingly enough, this blog starts to the class my presentation is for.

COMM 386A – Business Ethics. Don’t ask me what the “A” stands for, I don’t have any clue either.

It is a very relaxed class, with not a lot of work or guidelines, and a lot of discussion. There’s no pre-requites either, so some students in the class are not commerce students.

Sometime late September/early October, we had to do a group presentation about a product, called a Product Audit. I was in a group of 4, and we did our presentation on diamonds. It was an interesting project, but my heart was somewhere else at that time, and I didn’t pay much attention to it. I used it to remember some of my classmates’ names, but that was about it.

Now for a detour.

Day 1 of this class, I had to do a group discussion with this older, kind of businessy-like male student, and this other girl. The girl was kinda cute, but I was more focused on learning about the guy, since he said he was a registered Realtor and does that as his main profession. I’m interested in meeting more Realtors, solely for the purpose of expanding my network, even if I won’t actually do any actual real estate work in the foreseeable future. The next class, I tried to find those two people again, but I couldn’t remember exactly what the girl looked like, and the guy was on the other side of the classroom while I was on the other.

Back to the group project.

My group members were two friends (guy and girl) who seemed to be a talkative & relaxed combo as well as another girl. The other girl was the person from the first day of class – nice! Our discussion went on, and she didn’t really say much so I lost a lot of focus there and conversed with the other two. I guess I was just in that kind of habit, since this was still during my job search/networking period. On that note, it was interesting to see how differently I reacted to group discussion things while in that “networking” mood versus a normal mood. The power of just a change in perspective.

I’m not sure how to approach this subject again, because I’m not exactly interested in thinking about it/blogging about it… But after the project was over, we kind of still sat in the general vicinity, and then during one of the classes group discussions, the girl from the 2 friends said that she was glad we were like a small friend group because she didn’t know anyone in the class and it was a bit lonely. That’s when I actually started to pay more attention to the other girl. It took someone connecting the four of us as a “group of friends” for me to be aware of them as more than just strangers sitting in the same room.

During the next class, we had about class discussion, but more of like a partner discussion. The two friends did theirs together, and I had mine with the other girl. I was still in a bit of a networking mood (not so anymore), so we had a decent chat (some of it about the discussion topic).

Then the next week… I couldn’t stop thinking about this girl.

Like what she does in her free time, what type of psychology classes she was taking, what she thought of IB, what kind of music she listens to, and a bunch of other stuff.

It was a strange feeling, and the last time I really experienced this was in grade 9 and having a crush on Natalie. Which confused me, because in recent times I personally didn’t feel like having a relationship because I wanted to focus on my own sense of self-worth. Now that I have solved a large part of that, having a future after school, and working on another part, health and fitness, I feel a lot better about myself. But that doesn’t help me here, because I still feel hesitant to pursue anything related to a relationship. I remember all the stuff my relatives have told me while I was in China, and some more. That it was time I started having relationships, in order to find out what I actually care for. And now that I have dealt/dealing with a lot of my moments of self-pity and self-loathing, I can no longer use it as a form of defense against relationships.

Which is a scary thought.

I’m hesitant. I’m scared. I’m nervous.

Nothing has really happened, but I feel so pressured to do something. This isn’t even like before, where I felt a bit of peer pressure from all these other people with relationships.

I guess I should be like… asking her to get coffee or something with me after, but she disappears after class ends asap unlike the other two, so I’ve never really chatted with her outside of class discussion time. I guess that’s my first step, talking to her more casually in class. Then maybe find out if she has class afterwards before asking anything? Ahhhh. It’s really scary and nerve-wracking to think about these things. They are all so…. dependent on things. I’m not sure if I can even get to the first step. Rejection and failure is also scary. Yes, the worst is that we don’t talk again, or have awkward conversations during class discussions. I probably won’t see her around after this class anyways, so there’s not much to really lose. But it’s more about the idea of rejection and failure. Knowing that it can happen, and that it probably will happen, is different from having it happen. When that last little bit of hope is denied, it hurts real bad. Ironically, it was that kind of denial that prompted a lot of my desire for self-worth.

I’m not sure if I’m currently in a good enough place to go through rejection and failure again and stay perfectly fine, but I will probably be a bit better than last time. Last time was not a great look for ya boy. But right now, trying to keep it under wraps is not helping me at all – just look at the state of my presentation tomorrow. It’s so awkward to talk about, because I haven’t come to accept it. Accepting it means not using my defense, and accepting the possibilities of what may happen, whether good or bad. It also almost guarantees that I would have to do something about it. Samantha wasn’t an issue like this because I understood that I was only looking for someone to be friends with, also I like kind of broke her expectations at the end anyways. But this is some new kind of emotional baggage that I don’t need. So probably before December, I hope to get some of this sorted out. Only some, because I’m not naive enough to think everything will go well just because I put some effort into it.

Anyways, that’s probably enough procrastinating. I got my presentation tomorrow, and putting on a bad class presentation for an easy class like this wouldn’t leave the greatest impression, eh?