Tag Archive: friends


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A fake selfie (I took this) to start out the post.

It’s been a while since my last blog.

To be technically accurate, it’s been 74 days since my last blog, but I really don’t count that as an entry. It was a very forced entry that I did because:

  1. I was feeling upset
  2. I hadn’t made a post in 60 days, and felt that I need to at least post something. I mean if Stephanie can hit her quota of 1 blog/month, I should be able to do the same right?
  3. I was pretty fucking upset.

So if I discount the previous entry, I get a total of 134 days since my previous post.

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I’ve spent a lot of the last few years (maybe like 5 years now, shit I’m old) thinking about parts I didn’t like about myself, and what I wanted to become more like in order to shore up those ‘weaknesses’. I’ve tried to become more outgoing with things, taking more risks, being more considerate, being more flexible, understanding other perspectives better, handling stressful situations, thinking about things clearer, being patient, and a lot of other things.

Sometimes the best motivation for me were the awful feelings I felt from someone’s comment about me.

Sometimes you just don’t care about others’ feelings.

I don’t want to hear how I could resolve my issue! I just wanted to vent my frustrations!

You’re so annoying. When I say it’s private, it’s private.

I like to think that those comments are made by people who are being ironic, and causes it to lose all value.

But that’s just what I like to think.

Even though that last quote (PARAPHRASED OKAY) came from someone who spent a lot of time doing the same thing to me. Double standards. Continue reading

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Alishan in Taiwan

Yesterday I woke up at 6 am. Yes, a Saturday.

Because I had a ‘Personal and Team Development’ summit up in the mountains.

And I even got there early.

Lets just saying knowing literally no body there wasn’t exactly the most fun I’ve ever had. 160+ students in the foyer of West Mall.

Add in the fact that this was heavily based around one of those ‘personality type tests’, where our results designated ourselves as colours.

Labels.

Great.

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Two Points; Both Continue

Today I met with some high school friends.

Some older friends than others. Some more just acquaintances.

I started the day in the morning. 9:30 wake up “its so early I have nothing to do…” Back to bed it was.

Noon rolled around and I remembered I had something at 11:30. Whoops.

I totally missed the whole skating part of the skating meet up, but you know that’s not really important.

…right?

While talking about certain people’s new relationship status (not that recent), somehow we brought up Gavin. Apparently he’s dating some 16 year old girl. My reaction to the number ’16’ was kind of with shock and a bit of disgust. Though then when I stopped to think, it didn’t seem to be that bad. Gavin’s 19, and the girls 16. That’s a 3 year gap. A three year age difference is pretty normal in the grand scheme of things. 10 year differences aren’t too uncommon, and there is always those news articles with the 30+ age gaps. Though the problem here is the age group I’m in. 18-20 is kind of strange because you’re just out of highschool, where age was a huge factor in how you act around others. You become more polite/uptight around older students, and more laid back/commanding around younger ones. But when you’re 18, you either hit university/college, where age doesn’t correlate with year, or the join the work force, where experience is the thing that matters. Being 18-20 means that people younger than you are illegal to approach really (20 with a 16 year old is a big red flag), and being 19 with a 24 year old doesn’t feel right just yet because we’re still so stuck in our way of thinking about age.

Honestly if someone was 3 years younger than me and I liked them, it wouldn’t stop me from talking to them. Though if they’re 16 it kind of feels a little weird with the whole legal issue.

Doesn’t make Gavin any less creepy in my eyes than before.

Transitioning right back to relationships, we were trying to pry Jimmy for some information on his new (only to us) girlfriend of 6 months. Elisa found a picture of her (I can’t remember which picture, so I can’t really Facebook-stalk her) and said something like ‘she’s pretty cute’. That made me think, what is it that makes a person a ‘date-able’ candidate? Surely Jimmy has met cute, smart, like-minded girls before (I can almost guarantee he has), but he’s never made a move before (at least from what anyone knows). Same with Sean. I’m pretty sure he’s seen pretty, well off and well-educated girls before like Judy, why hasn’t he asked them out (I’m sure he has before)? What is this characteristic that separates someone that has all the traits of the person you would date, from the person that you do date? Something I’ve seemed to notice is that most romantic interests are people whom you don’t know too well. There’s  not many cases where I hear of people who’ve known each other very well for a long time that start dating. Sean meet Judy during the summer, and didn’t know too much about her (evident by the recent troubles). Jimmy met this person at Waterloo so I can’t comment too much, but this kid studies so hard I’m not sure where he’d find the time to get to know his romantic interest too much. The fact that he hooks up (this word pair feels so strange to use) with her over the summer just shows that he needed free time to pursue this relationship (he had a co-op term, which was much less stressful than school). My own cases as well, I didn’t exactly know most of them too well. One of them maybe, but I still left in the dark about many things.

Do relationships between people who know each other well not work out? If so, does that mean this characteristic that separates a candidate from a partner is easily discernible, which then causes the relationship to form before they have sufficient time to closely learn about one another? Strange. Also kind of unfortunate. I think that dating someone you know well is a better shot than someone you’re not familiar with, since you know what you’re getting into. But maybe that’s just my risk-aversion speaking.

I mentioned it a little before, but on the way home via the Skytrain, there was a few sentences said that really made me realize how much these friends of mine have changed. It wasn’t even just the words on the way back, but even before and during the gathering (although my ‘before’ is their ‘during’ as I was late) I slowly realized that these people were slightly different than before.

And I’m glad for that.

Change might be scary, but isn’t no-change where change should occur be scarier? That’s just my thought.

Yuchen talked a bit about this to me, that we had all changed (even me, he noted). Personally, I don’t think I’ve changed enough for my consciousness to realize it, but I guess others will have an easier time recognizing it when they are presented with the beginning and end product. They don’t have the continuous contact with me during the process. He (Yuchen) said it was hard to say exactly what about us had changed, and I agreed. You could notice it just by the way we interacted. The things we talked about. The things we didn’t talk about. It’s hard to really say for certain what changed, as there isn’t readily available material to compare with (though that’s a pretty creepy thing to have on hand if I did). I guess this is just the whole ‘maturity’ process that happens. It doesn’t seem to stop.

In 10 years, would I be able to pinpoint the changes in my friends? Yuchen asked something similar to that. I initially said that if I couldn’t say what it is now, what were the chances I would be able to say it 10 years later? I don’t agree with that anymore. I think it would be easier to notice the changes 10 years from now. If we think of a person’s lifespan as a development cycle, it’s hard to notice minimal changes (facial changes that happen in a day) but much easier to notice those that span a significant portion of time (10 year old me versus 19 year old me). Although, being able to notice the changes is one thing, being able to actually name it might be different. My choice of words will still probably still be ‘maturity’, though I can’t predict the future. I’d love to come back 10 years from now after a meeting with those guys to see if I was right or wrong, but there’s so many variables associated that (memory of both events, WordPress’ lifespan, will I even remember this prediction exists?) it doesn’t seem like much of a plausible idea.

Although I can sure say for certain we seem more ‘adult-like’. No longer do we scrap payments together with our coins, but have transitioned into using credit and debit cards. We don’t ask about juice, pop or smoothies, but instead just stick with ice-water (the default provision) or alcohol. There’s less conversation about ‘childish things’ (a very vague term) and more ‘higher level’ (also a very vague term) discussions. While talking and comparing marks is still the norm, there’s a heavier emphasis on what you do outside the school.

This kind of puts me in a bit of a weird position. I’m still quite ‘childish’ in the things I talk about and enjoy. Games is a pretty big one. Of course these guys still play these things, but it doesn’t seem to be what they’re mainly concerned about. I didn’t hear any equations or formulas about Mabinogi from Jimmy & William. Sharon didn’t mention the random assortment of games she plays. Yuchen didn’t even think about Runescape (cannot confirm). Part of it must be the people I spend my free time with. These guys are mainly just gaming friends, people I became close with through games. That makes it kind of hard to break out of preassigned topic of discussion. It’s much harder to go to Daniel or William (Siy this time, not Xi) about serious decisions about school difficulties and those ‘deeper’ (more vague terms) questions about the world then it is to go to Sharon or Alexander and ask about possible suitable professions or personal thoughts and questions.

It’s not like I dislike these guys, in fact I probably enjoy spending time with them more than some of the IB groupies, but it’s just that it doesn’t feel as natural. Maybe I feel as if my gaming friends have more preconceived notions of me than the IB guys. There’s less I have to try to hide or fake (there can’t never be nothing!) or avoid trying to say. They know ‘Kevin’ more than just for one aspect of my being. Though there is that very real possibility that this is mainly just a problem with me feeling unsafe sharing more personal things with them, and have nothing to do with how they are and act.  Though I do feel like I have been ‘opening up’ (or ‘cracking my turtle shell’ as my instructor liked to say) to certain individuals more and more. Which in some aspects of the relationship feels counterproductive, if what I’ve noticed about relationships is true (knowing more = less romance). Though that’s really a minor issue that won’t, or shouldn’t, come up in the future. Perhaps a separate topic to consider.

That’s not to say I share everything with the IB guys either. On that Skytrain home and the little walk to Harbour Center, I was able (in my opinion at least, although this whole damn entry is my opinion, so why do I have to keep mentioning it?) to say some things I normally wouldn’t say. Though part of that reason seems to be me wanting to both create a stronger bond with them, as the experience of seeing a drifted away friend is brutal, and my interest in the topic at hand (romantic relationships; since I think I’ve begun to feel too lonely up in the mountains which is another story). I wouldn’t know if they agree, since I’ve never been the guy that openly shares things to close friends. I’ve always had this little mantra about sharing my troubles. If people just sympathize it makes me feel pathetic. And if they empathize, it just makes them hurt a bit more. So I just don’t share too much. Though I’ve been breaking out of that rut slowly.

Which brings me to the end of the day.

I got home after spending a nice quiet (not really, just deep in thought) bus ride thinking about most of the things I’ve written above. I was thinking about contacting some of the guys and asking them that relationship question (since it probably is the one that pertains to them to most), but I decided against it. It’s a further step than I’ve ever done before though, so that’s still something.

I somehow (I’m still not too sure how) got pressured into playing streaming (because playing it myself wasn’t enough, though the point was for a ‘group’ activity) ‘This War of Mine’, a game about civil (?) war in which you play as neither the rebels nor the federals but as the innocent civilians caught in the crossfire. Some really deep moral considerations into ever move you make and ever move you don’t make are part of that game. Just the kind of game to pull me out of a contemplative mood right? No.

I just fell more into thought, though the stealing from an older couple and the murder of a priest really seemed to steer me into the direction of depressing. Part of that slight depression probably urged me on to start asking some personal (not too sure what to classify them as) and less obvious questions. Although I had a sort of mini-side goal which distracted me from being able to flesh out my thoughts well enough to have them understand the first time. Also a byproduct of slight depression. I got an answer which I thought was rather… normal? I’m not sure how to describe it; I’m sure my poor vocabulary isn’t helping to describe it either (something I should work on). It just wasn’t what I was expecting. It really made the issues more… realistic and practical, rather than this theoretical mumbo-jumbo it felt like in my head. Though it didn’t really give me a clearer idea. Which is probably the expected result since people aren’t the same in the way they think and approach things.

Though maybe it was just because it wasn’t what I had wanted to hear.

Which is really a silly thought.

If I wanted some kind of confirmation of a personal opinion, I could just ask my reflection.

That really did satisfy me a whole lot though. Just being able to break a little of the fixed, closed routine was a pleasant change of pace.

Something I really hope to get more of in the new year.

Maybe that should be a resolution for next year.

‘Spend more time doing something I enjoy, then trying to start doing something I enjoy.’

Sounds terrible.

But I like it.

Hopefully I see the IB guys again (or the ones I didn’t get to see [i.e: Patrick, Clay]) and the ‘gaming’ (loose term, I don’t think I’ve really defined them enough to use another word to describe them) group before the next term starts. I sure do think next term is going to be more challenging than this past school term.

But if the future wasn’t interesting, exciting or challenging I wouldn’t know why I would continue to face it.

Spring Term 2014

The first day of the new term has finally rolled around.

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I have some night owl schedule even though I’ve been trying to stray away from that path.

I guess some things just aren’t meant to be. But that’s a quite negative approach, no success ever came without a failure.

Most of the schedule was really my fault – honest.

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New Year Old Thoughts

It’s the new year, and instead of talking about 2014 or the 2013 recap, I wanted to talk about a post-Christmas Christmas party.

Or just the one conversation I had after the party was over.

So I guess I’m talking post-post-Christmas Christmas party. That took longer than it should have to make sense.

It sounded better in my head.

If I could talk in my head, that is.

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