I am tired.

I really am.

Not like done-with-your-shit kind of tired, but physically tired.

I slept maybe 34 hours last week. If you just take a average that’s less than 5 hours a day. Then you hear I slept 10 hours on Sunday. 24/6 = 4 hours average over the other days.

Today I slept 4 too.

Why?

Because I’ve been studying.

No, it’s not what you’re thinking of. I haven’t been studying 12 hours a day, or 8pm to 4am.

I’ve been studying from 12am-4am.

Why am I studying so late?

Because I need to study before a midterm.

Why not earlier?

That’s what I’ve been asking myself. I think it has a lot to do with how unmotivated I am these days. This entire term hasn’t seen me be motivated. There’s not much large assignments, and it’s mainly group projects. Perfect things to slack off on (sorry team). Right now I just don’t feel like there is a reason for me to try hard.

Sure, I can get a job.

Sure, I can get a high GPA.

Sure, I can transfer and do god know’s what.

Sure, my parents will be happy.

But those aren’t things that are motivating me right now.

I think of a job, and all I can think is ‘who cares’. I’m basically working a job right now on Friday’s at the office, and it’s nothing exciting.

A high GPA could be nice, but honestly I have no use for it. I am in the faculty I want to be, and 3rd year courses average mark is a B now. I might not be at the school I want to be, or able to have impressive grades, but right now they don’t mean much.

I could transfer to UBC. Or McGill. Or god knows where else with a high(er) GPA. But what’s the point? I’m satisfied here. UBC might be nice, with more people I know, but in reality there’s little to no difference. Going anywhere else would cost more, and wouldn’t be worth it.

My parents would be happier if I was at a more well-known school. That’s undeniable. They would be more proud of me going to UPenn than they would be of me achieving 4.33 GPA at SFU. But when they asked me why it mattered to transfer to UBC, and that SFU is a very good school and that I shouldn’t transfer, it didn’t seem to be something they have on their mind.

So right now, I have no reason to do anything.

I can abide the rules and just be an average student.

Rules prevent disaster, but promote mediocrity.

But when that doesn’t matter to you, the phrase doesn’t work.

I’m satisfied where I am.

But there’s that quote.

Show me a satisfied man, and I’ll show you a failure.

I don’t know what to say to that.

I know what it means.

I know the benefits.

I understand that it’s better that where I am now.

But right now, I’m satisfied.

Satisfied and tired.

Two things that when mixed together creates mediocrity.

Content with the present, and unwilling to move.

Exactly how I am right now.

image

Until I took off my jacket.

Now there’s a new feeling.

Satisfied, tired and depressed.

On second thought, maybe it wasn’t a new feeling.

Just a re-surfaced old one.

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