Identifying value in things

Cherry blossoms. Credit: me!

Sometimes I wonder if I just lack the passion and motivation that I had before to chase and do things that I would have used to enjoy.

For example, last week I was in office for a training session about how to think about your own career, and how to identify others who could help you improve yourself. The training session consisted of a few partner level individuals talking about their career story and the numerous people who have helped them get where they are today. They also talked about how people love to nurture and support others, and to not be afraid when it comes to asking for help. They finished the talk with a few minutes to self reflect on some questions about yourself and where you want your career to be in 5 years. Then they asked us to try and create some SMART (specific, measurable, actionable, realistic, time-sensitive) goals in order to help us achieve that.

I used to love these moments and would often actual reflect using these moments, but in recent times I have found myself inwardly sarcastically snarking over these “reflection” moments. I think “as if any of these things will ever make a difference! successful people will become successful regardless”. Quite a bit cynical, I agree. But as I’ve become more self-aware of my recent bout of cynicism, I decided to force myself to give it a try, as I did not have anything better to do.

So I got started.

Just a bunny.

“What do you want to be doing in 5 years?”

I don’t know – being happy?

“Where do you want to be in 5 years?”

Not sure, maybe closer to my girlfriend and hopefully be further along in my career path and not stagnating?

“How do you want to get there?”

I don’t know.

“Why do you want to do that? What drives you to work towards this goal? Who do you want to become in the future?”

I don’t know. I don’t know? I don’t know!

“What is something you can do to get where you want to be?”

“Is there a timeline you would like to achieve this within?”

I… don’t really know.

“Who were some of the people who helped you get where you are today?”

Ah – yes. Yes there are people who helped me get here… If I think about it, everyone I have met has taught me something that I have taken as part of myself.

“Are there people you are willing to help the way others helped you?”

Yes. There are definitely people I am willing to help out at any time. Although only maybe a few of them know it.

And then I started to think, maybe I should list out all the people who have helped me so far in my career and life, and what they have done for me.

So I did.

And I found it fun.

I was going through all the people who I have interacted with at EY so far, and then started to blaze through all the people I have worked with at Smythe. It was going super well!

At least, for a bit.

I started to think, wait, this could be a good blog post! I should save it for that, and then within the hour the motivation and passion to write such a thing disappeared, and frankly, I forgot it was even an idea in my mind at one point.

And when I did eventually remember it, the willingness to do it disappeared. I started to think, why bother? Why does making a blog post even matter?, and then when I tried to answer that to myself – all the desire disappeared.

And when I realized how easily my passion and motivation for things could disappear like that, I started to get scared. Why was this happening? Am I losing the drive I had for things? Has my attention span shortened and I am no longer able to focus on things like before? Do I just no longer care as much about these things as I previously did? Am I going to eventually lose passion for all things I currently enjoy?

Maybe it was just the answers that immediately came into my mind when I tried to answer why making it a blog post even mattered. My immediate answer was, so I can get some sort of attention from the post. Which is ironic, because I think a total of 0 viewers have looked at this website in the last month. Which is to be expected, this is really just a personal diary that is stored online, and only a few friends know of it. I don’t exactly post anything interesting for people who wouldn’t know me in person, nor is there anything there that is valuable to re-read. This website is entirely self-serving, so of course no one outside of me would value it. But maybe it was the fact that my immediate thought was that I wanted some fame to come from this that disgusted me. That I secretly had a desire to become a “social media influencer”.

Ugh, what a disgusting term.

That I wanted to become like the ones I see all the time on YouTube, Twitch, TikTok, and Instagram. The fact I wanted to become like that, but I didn’t want to put in the effort to try to pursue that and still somehow wished for it. It just felt so… selfish and self-centered of me. That I would want to achieve overnight success without ever having to work for it and become equals with those who have spent more hours on it than I have on anything in my life. That I wanted life to be “unfair” but only just for me. That I wanted to be even more privileged than I already am.

Maybe that kind of brutal, honest thought was what killed it for me. Because I seemed to be starting to attach a “why” and “what value does this bring?” to all that I do. I no longer could really justify doing things that did not bring in some sort of tangible value. Sure, there is value in self-reflection – you can become more aware of things and hopefully be a better person from it. But it doesn’t bring in money. The improvement is not guaranteed, and in that sense, there are better things to use your time on.

I am aware I have become so focused on finding “value” in things that I do. And I think finding “value” in things is a quick way to destroy any genuine and passion for a subject. Especially early on, when you’re not sure what you like about something, but just that you like something. It is a surprisingly wholesome and fragile time. I miss getting lost in the interest of something and not realizing how much time has passed. I worry that I will lose that ability the older I get.

Maybe calling it an ability is the wrong word. Maybe it would be better to call it a mindset? It does not appear to be so much of a skill you can consciously decide to start or stop (maybe it can with training and a sturdy mental strength?), but more that something that just occurs when you’re in a good mood. It is almost like an emotion, fleeting but impactful. Not something you can force yourself to be in, but it is the byproduct of something that happens to you.

But I digress.

My rambling thoughts only go this far.

To summarize, I think I have started to realize that I have developed a mental problem of trying to attach some sort of tangible “value” to everything I do, and everything I see. I am starting to have trouble accepting things that I don’t think provide any “value”. I tend to think of “value” as how will this benefit me? Generally it is either in the form of monetary value, or some personal skill that directly translates to career progression like problem solving or business communication. While I think being able to determine “value” is a good thing, I also think that I need to do it less, and be more accepting to do thing that don’t provide any “tangible value” but is something that helps me achieve “intangible value”. I am still not really sure what this “intangible value” is, but right now I see it as achieving happiness, relaxing, and being able to de-stress and re-energize. I use those words probably because those are the things my career talks about when it comes to mental health, but I do find them a bit too career-driven words that lack meaning when I try to apply it to my personal life.

And that is where I am at now.

Maybe as a starting step, I will make some progress on that list of individuals that I mentioned earlier.

Name	Meeting Place	Impact on me
Aaron	EY	Showed me the importance of hard work, and reminded me what it is like to be diligent, hard-working, and genuinely detailed oriented at your job.
Tiffany D.	EY	Showing me how you can balance a work attitude and a personal attitude while both at work. And once again showing me how you can set out your own time and schedule when communicated to others properly.
Tiffane	EY	Reminding me that getting to know others is hard, and is it very much a two way street – I have to put in effort too. Sorry, I didn’t realize sooner.
Sam	EY	Even partners are humans too. I should stop trying to dehumanize them in my mind and think only of them as “my bosses”. Being personable and sociable is an improvable skill.
Fion	EY	It’s easy to become close with someone, you just have to be willing to open yourself up to them first. It may be a bit artificial but it is an easy way to open up others. It’s hard to do and I really admire her for that.
Michelle S	Smythe	I respect that she can be super intense about doing the work well, but also able to step back and try to relate and understand others on a personal level. Even if it was probably a new goal caused by just becoming a partner and becoming aware of the human leading side,
Michelle L	Smythe	Having the self confidence to be able to set personal time and boundaries, as well as work time and boundaries.
Mitchell	Smythe	There’s always a time to relax and be more calm and honest with your emotions. There’s not need to fake it or hide it if you feel comfortable.
Eimi	Smythe	Being a genuinely nice people to others is something that others will appreciate. And it’s easy to do just by saying hi and interacting a bit whenever you see them. Take that first step.
Saurav	Smythe	There’s more to life than just work – no one will die from accounting. Take a step back sometimes.
Alan	Smythe	It’s OK to have fun at work. Having fun and working hard are different things that can exist at the same time. They can also exist at the same time as hating the work you do. Lol.
Shelby	Smythe	Talking about your mistakes in a light-hearted manner makes it easy for other people to relate to you – and makes you more approachable. Sounds like I’m implying she’s actively doing this as a ploy, but i think this is just her personality and it’s something I really like about it.
Heroshi	Smythe	Hard work can get you where you want. Strictness and perseverance are strong tools in the workplace. You can learn to respect people for things that they do, even if you might not agree with them.
Laura	Smythe	Not every action has to have negative motivation behind it. Try to understand others better before judging them.
Josh	Smythe	It’s easier to befriend others if you are just honest about your opinions and reactions.
Lucien	School	Success comes from years of slow grind and work. Always approach your work today as if you have already succeeded, give yourself value in that sense and others will see that in you.
Lucy	Smythe	Awkwardness can be a personality trait. It can be seen in a positive or negative light depending on the context.
Ginika	Smythe	Asking for help is okay. Celebrating your success with others is lovely.
Charles	Ascend	Come with questions and a desire to learn. Sharing your concerns and learning from other’s experience is critical.

Of course I would use a table.

I avoided people who have impacted me a lot because it’s hard to list them all out, and super time consuming it think about them all. Also then my table would look unbalanced, and I am amusingly concerned about that!

I think it’s kind of telling that basically all the above impacts I have listed relate to work. Maybe it’s because all the interactions I really have these days relate to work, so that’s all that I have thought to improve from. It does reinforce that I seem to be focusing on lot of some sort of monetary or career value in things. But hey, identifying the problem is the first step to addressing it! And while I don’t have the best track record of fixing something right away, I sure as hell am good at slowly making chips at it for the next 10 years.

So I guess I better get started at chipping.