Unrelated picture is unrelated.

Just before starting this post, I took a quick look as my post history to see when was the time of the year I most frequently had rant posts about my mother.

Honestly, I was hoping it would be during April, so I could get some support for my sudden theory that busy season is just when my mom has no sense of rationality or compassion.

Turns out the most common time it happens is during the summer. Which I guess I can understand. That is always the time I have the least classes, the least to do, and the period where I spend the most time at home. The most time my mom can see me like… not doing something she wants me to be doing, and the most time she can give me shit about it.

The last few months I had finally started the feel like I was becoming someone. Someone… of value to this society. I had finally started making money, I could stop relying financially on my mom and dad, and feel more independent. I still lived with them and they helped a lot with daily life things, but I was getting there, bit by bit. At work, I started feeling a bit confident in what I was doing. That not only could I do the work, but I could do it well. Or at least, above average. In my personal life, I started trying to talk to others more, and was finding some level of success romantically.

But my mom sure knows how to break everything down quickly.

It started with my mom happily talking about how one of her clients came to tell her that he got a raise to $160,000 per year. My mom then was saying how that’s not a lot, and that she has clients that make more. She then said she expects me to make about that much in a few years. I got annoyed. This isn’t the first time she’s said this kind of dumb and unrealistic stuff. I said that’s almost impossible, don’t put your unrealistic expectations on top of me and walked to the kitchen.

Then she blew up.

I don’t even remember all the things she said about me. Honestly, that memory is very much a haze. Stuff about being weak for not being able to handle a little expectation. Stuff about being a useless and worthless son because I didn’t cook food when they were at the office. Things about how she doesn’t care about me and I can grow up and live a worthless life. Honestly, trying to remember some of it kind of hurts.

It went on for a bit. With me trying to be rational and trying to ask what she wants from me then. She just kept screaming that she doesn’t care about my worthless life and that I should shut up. And that she doesn’t want my shitty help with home chores or cooking so I could get lost.

I don’t know. I just felt so lost.

Then I saw my dad silently walk upstairs.

And then I also felt abandoned.

No one has ever prepared me for a mental breakdown caused by the people supposedly the closest to you.

You would think I would have gotten used to it over the last 18 years here. Well, I guess my improvement is that I had like a good 15 minutes where I tried to be understanding of what she was saying, even if that didn’t work. Although I’m not sure how useful that adaption is, as now I just feel like it’s a hopeless situation that I will have to deal with for the rest of my life.

I locked myself in my room, as I was suggested to do 2 weeks ago when my mom lost it over some servers at Number 9.

I held back from making any comments last week about my mom’s tirade against her “useless” new hire who she refuses to train because that’s a waste of time. So I dodged some shit there, but this week seems to be a new one I couldn’t avoid.

In my mind, I keep hearing Stephanie’s voice telling me “maybe she’s just on edge and stressed from work and she doesn’t actually mean it”. I remember her saying that some 4 years ago when I complained about this on Discord or whatever we used at that time.

While I can’t agree on that “she doesn’t mean it” (because I feel like she definitely does), I can agree on the stress and being on edge. But that doesn’t mean I have to put up with her shit for the rest of my life.

My first thought after breaking down in my room was “okay, so if I fully cut off any communication I have with them today, how do I do it?”

It’s sad but, I feel like this is the eventual solution for me. Maybe not this year, or next year, but someday in the future this will happen. I’ll take it one step at a time of I can put up with this much bullshit for the last 10 years, why can’t I do a few more? This year the goal is physical distance away from them. Living in a different place. It might end up being a place that is now financially connected to them, but I feel like physical distance will help me a lot more than financial distance will.

That reminds of me of something. Some time this week I was talking to my coworker about expectations and dealing with them. She was having trouble handling the expectations of seniors and managers on the work we had, especially during a busy time. I forgot how we got to it, but I talked about my parents having stupid expectations that no young kid should ever be told. She said no wonder I didn’t stress from work much, I had so much tolerance for worse things. In a way, that made me feel good. That all the pointless suffering was had some good development, but at the same time it felt super depressing hearing it too.

This is the kind of time where companionship really helps. I might not be in a relationship with this person, but it was very helpful to have them there.

I feel a lot better now, and hopefully going into the Sun Run tomorrow as well.