Unrelated photo again.

Woke up a lot later than usually, so I decided that rushing to make the last 30

 minutes of my morning class wasn’t worth it.

The entire trip to campus, I was thinking about what to do about this iPhone. And how I would contact Bill. I’m not on league most of the time, so how am I gonna contact him? He deleted me off WeChat and probably doesn’t use Facebook at all. I could text him, but does he still have me on his phone? I’ll have to just try to find him on league, and at worst text him. Hopefully it doesn’t look too obvious that I’m trying to reach out to him because he has some family problems. He is supposedly very suspicious of people right now.

I kept thinking about this as I was walking to class. Not so I could go to class, but so I could sit around outside and wait for my Prof to leave before I walk into the same room for my following class. Awkward.

I’m almost at Henry Angus, until I see this person that looks like Megan. I haven’t spent much time thinking what to do if I saw her, and was pretty shocked. You know, in my head she had already graduated. It made sense to me, it’s been 4 years since high school after all.

I reacted slowly because my mind was pre-occupied, and because she was far away, I trailed her. The entire time I felt like such a fucking creep for doing that. In my head I was trying to justify it with “I’m just making sure it’s her.” So when I did end up confirming (as much as I can for someone who hasn’t interacted with the other for like 9 years), I had no clue what to do.

Well, I knew what to do, go up to her and ask her if she’s actually Megan, and if she remembers me. But in practice I couldn’t do it. 

It’s a bit funny, because I remembered thinking “I can force myself to talk to potential employers, talking to someone I actually know should be easy.” It did not go like that.

I did nothing.

I don’t really even know why I was so scared. Like… what? I’m just asking someone a question, the worst that could happen is that she says no and I apologise for taking her time. Like…what’s wrong with me?

Is it because it isn’t something I “have” to do, so I can rationalize it as something I am not required to do? Networking sucks so much more, but I view that as ‘necessary’ so I went ahead and did it. But this was definitely not necessary, and there’s no real way to trick myself into thinking that.

Man, I’m such a fucking coward. I’m overly hesistant to do things because I fear feeling embarrassed or doing something wrong. It should be fine to fuck up, but I can’t accept it. I can accept it for small things like assignments and stuff, where a mistake will lead me to improving later on. Though there has always been that feeling of “I should’ve known better” after noticing my mistake. 

Is it because I’m a perfectionist? I don’t even think that way of myself. I haven’t thought that way for ages. I’ve been shown reality through IB, that I definitely wasn’t. Mistakes happened to me all the time then. Then is it the environment I grew up in? My parents did always stress that I shouldn’t make mistakes. I was always chastised for anything I did wrong. Is that why I grew up thinking like this? I feel like a lot of my innate reactions can be kind of tracked to my childhood environment. This really scares me. It’s had been so long since then, and my parents are a bit different from then. And I personally believe differently as well. Then how come I’m still like this?

Sigh. If I ever have a child, I’m going to have to put some effort in to changing my tendencies so they don’t go through this. 

Next week, I’m probably going to ditch Wednesday’s class again. Just to see if I will be given another chance. Because something tells me that she isn’t there normally at this time.