Catherine

Just in time for the new Catherine (video game) teasers!

Sometimes life works in strange ways.

The Past

I had almost forgotten about Catherine, a shy girl the same age as me who lived with me for almost 3 weeks back in 2010. And then out of nowhere, she was going to live with me again for 10 days this time. Suddenly, all the memories that I was so close to forgetting came out into prominence. Trying to remember her must have kicked all of them back to me. A quick trip to my previous blog on Google’s blogger showed that my memories were mostly correct. Pulling up old photos from 2010 (before I started to really save my photos!) reinforced them once again.

I remember coming back from summer school and finding her still asleep. It was well past 1pm and I was surprised someone could still be asleep. I asked if she ate lunch, she said no. I don’t remember what I found/made, but she did get to eat. This repeated plenty of times. One of those days we went to the Minoru Library as well as the old Richmond Center food court. I forgot what we ate. I think I borrowed two books (probably the last time I actually read a physical non-school related book), and I think she borrowed a lot more. I forget the language, I’m tempted to say a mix of English and Chinese. Of course we had to go again to return them & pick up new ones. I remember having to go to the library after she left to return them.

Some old times.

I also remember going to Stanley Park on a weekend and eating ice-cream by the totem poles. It’s unfortunate we didn’t go to Stanley Park this time, maybe she would’ve remembered something.

We also went to the Celebration of Light. I don’t remember who sponsored it or which country was doing it, but I only remember struggling & failing to take a picture of her in the dark, and finding out that the flash on her camera was a lot better than the flash on mine. This was before I got my first DSLR camera. I do remember being very jealous of her camera quality, and wanting a better one because of that flash incident. She was very smug about it.

Wait… do I have to thank her for my desire for photography? Please no. I’d like to think I was already interested in photography because I think I was still using Tumblr then, and Tumblr had tons of beautiful landscape shots.

She sure would have thought differently this time.

I also remember going trolling (a type of fishing) with her and a family friend out east in BC (close to Penticton?). We stayed over at their house, and played with their dog, Pepper. While on the boat, I tried so hard to have a real conversation with her. I think she said she was very reclusive at school, and would barely talk to anyone. It was a struggle to get her to say anything, and most of my teasing attempts resulted with her being a little mad and hitting me a few times. At the time, I thought it was fun.

Then on the day before she left, we were talking on MSN (because text communication is OK, but verbal is not), and I had a thing with Rose at the time for each of us to confess to someone we liked. She confessed to some boy younger than her, and I told this girl who had been in my house for 3 weeks that I loved her. I remember wondering if she would even understand what I meant, or worse, would she ask her English professor mother to translate it. That would be extremely awkward.

Wow, I was so confident (and cheesy) back then.

To my surprise, she said she liked me too, but that she has to leave. Being the young, brave, and obviously not realistic 15 year old I was, I said I would wait for her.

Rose said it was sweet. I thought I would only have to wait 3 years, because she had planned to come to Canada for university as she was a Canadian citizen. But life is no fairy tale, so things didn’t turn out that way.

The Arrival

Before she arrived, I had added her on WeChat so I could see what she looked like now. I needed to be able to identify her at the airport, and I sure as hell was not using a sign to find someone I already knew.

My first impressions were that she wasn’t as cute as before. She looked a lot more westernized with her makeup and clothing, and I guess I just prefer a more traditional look. First impressions I guess. But it didn’t take too long for me to think she looked better now than before.

I instantly recognized her when I went to the airport. She was cuter in person than her photos. I was walking towards the doors to get to the arrivals bay, and she was walking out from those doors. I stopped and said “Hi” and we went on our merry way to go back to the car. YVR scammed me of twice the parking amount, because I got green coins when I tried to pay for my single green coin (they use them to count your time in the parking lot), and when I asked the staff on site what to do with it, they just took one at random to give it to someone else who had lost theirs. As it turned out, I was the one with the coin that hadn’t been paid for, and the one I paid for was given away. I hope that lady enjoyed her free parking for the day.

The car ride back was a bit awkward, some small talk happened, but very little. I think I got the expectation that she had become a talkative person, as my mom had said they talked for like half an hour on the phone some days before. I chalked it up to unfamiliarity. I didn’t learn much about her, and she seemed a lot different than before. I wondered if she remembers as much as I had. I guess I had an expectation that she would remember as I had, but not everyone cares the same amount about memories.

You know, it made me question why I ever bother to remember so many of my memories and previous experiences. The best part of remembering these things is when I share them again with the people I experienced them with in order to bond and re-affirm/further our friendship. But if the other person doesn’t remember, then it’s just a losing battle as they think you’re a bit creepy for remembering all of that, and they question if that really happened. I’m not going to stop though, as the self satisfaction of being able to reminisce is too great for me.

First Day & First Thoughts

 

Does eating these improve relationships?

We went grocery shopping the next day. Costco and T&T basically. Going to more stores would probably have been overkill because just these two places resulted in a lot of stuff. It was an easy way to interact a bit more with her and see what was up. I felt that she talked a lot more than before. Hearing words come out of her mouth had finally become a normal thing instead of a rare occurrence.

After using the freshly purchased groceries for lunch (and an afternoon nap), we went to UBC to tour around. She remembered some parts of the school, which was a pleasant surprise because in my opinion the UBC of 8 years ago was a lot different than it is now. We talked a bit about what she still remembered about visiting Vancouver all those years ago. There was a story about a creepy pervert that was the child of her mother’s acquaintance when touring UBC. Some older 20 year old male preying on two 14 year old girls. I didn’t know what to say.

We got to see the Nitobe Memorial Gardens, even though it was technically past visiting hours. It was the first time I was seeing these gardens too, even though I’ve been at this school for 3 years now. The garden was very tranquil. If I had known earlier, I would have been in there a lot more to relax during the day. While there, a pair of girls asked me to take their photo for them. As a side note, why do so many randoms keep asking me to take pictures for them? I’ve been asked it so much during this summer of travel that I’m scared there might be on sign on my back that says to ask me for that. But I digress. The girls asked if Catherine and I wanted a photo, to which I really didn’t know what to say so I turned to her, to which she waited a bit an shook her head. I probably should’ve just said sure, but I know she wouldn’t be down for it anyways.

Back to her remembering the previous visit. I do recall her saying she remembered a bit about a letter I wrote when she left. I remember writing it and putting something in there (I think it was like an iTunes gift card or something?) and then attaching it to her door knob the night before she had to leave. It was amusing because I originally thought I would be too embarrassed to see her leave, but what actually happened is that I woke up way too late for that to happen anyways. I don’t remember the content of the letter at all, but I assume I just wrote some closing thoughts, similar to what this blog is – just in much less words. She said that I tried to predict her future…? I’m not too sure of what I wrote, but I suddenly got too embarrassed to here more about that story. Maybe I should have, it would be fun (after the fact of course) to remember more about how I was back then.

I definitely had an expectation that she would remember more things. It was obvious in the way I randomly brought up previous events, or compared her to what she was like before. In fact, I probably brought it up too many times because she was not too happy about it – and she let me know.

That was the first difference I noted.

8 years later, Catherine can now actually speak her mind. Incredibly direct about it too. It was such a large contrast that I hadn’t even imagined it possible, and it confused me. I honestly don’t know how to handle a straight shooter like that, even in English, so I was at a loss a lot of the time. It was almost disappointing for me as it seemed that all the previous memories I had about her personality seemed to be wrong, then again, what did I truly remember about her personality? I only remembered certain snapshots of events, and not any of the day-to-day interactions I would have had with her.

She would also glare a lot.

Honestly? Those glares really scared me. Even if I was joking, that glare made me do a 180 on my joke and apologize. I think I just felt scared of her seeing me in a negative light.

My expectation that she would remember the past made our interactions incredibly weird and awkward.

Honestly, there were so many times that I wished I could be anywhere else but here. There was a day where I asked her if she felt awkward living in this house with me.

Yes.

I also asked what she meant by “you’re being very vicious/scary” the previous day.

She said that she would prefer it if I stopped over analyzing everything.

I had nothing to say.

In hindsight, there were plenty of things I could have said, and probably not saying anything was one of the worse options. Expanding on this, I got too flustered and just didn’t have the brain capacity to formulate a response. If a friend said that in English to me, even if we were just acquaintances of the eSports club, I could easily brush it off as a joke, and give an appropriate lighthearted response. I guess (I say I guess, but it is more like “I know”, I’m just being stubborn about admitting it) I get easily flustered in front of someone I like. Probably normal, but this didn’t happen to me before. Before I could just act normal, and let my pent up feelings out some other time.

Man, it really does suck not being able to act like yourself. Never have I felt so disappointed in myself over a long period of time. More on that later.

The Third Wheel

3.

That was how I felt about myself after introducing her to Tiffany.

Tiffany is a very sociable person who gets along with others, so it was not surprise Catherine felt more comfortable with her.

She was also a girl.

Maybe that helped a bit.

As I drove the girls around to different shopping locations, I increasingly felt more and more awkward, and eventually by the end of the day I just withdrew from any verbal conversation.

It was honestly quite taxing.

She did comment about how when I was with a friend, I acted completely differently. And it’s true.

With good friends, I really don’t have to feign any sort of image, because how they know me is as a stupid fool. The moniker of “good friend” encompasses many male friends I made during high school. I always find myself referencing my high school experiences, because I feel like that is where I changed the most. People who I met during high school met a more relaxes and carefree version of myself, and it is easy to act that way when someone else is expecting that of you.

Though, it’s not really fair to say that I “act” out a persona.

I am genuinely still being myself, it’s just a different angle. It’s like different modes. Each mode is better suited towards different types or groups of people. It is hard to merge the two modes, but it’s very easy to just jump between them. To others, it might feel like I’m putting on two fake acts at once by trying to be “proper” and then being “rash” intermittently during the same conversation, but it is still me and neither is an act.

It’s pretty difficult to just merge two different modes, because essentially I’m just creating a new persona to act out of. It’s hard to do that on the fly because I don’t know what kind of persona I’m trying to project, and it becomes very difficult to sculpt out the scope of the character on the fly.

But I digress.

I felt that Catherine was being a lot more open and relaxed with Tiffany. Maybe she switched from a “polite” mode to a more “close friend” one. It was something I had yet to really see then, and it was quite pleasant to see.

While I was genuinely happy that Catherine found someone that she felt she could relax with, it was a little disappointing that I couldn’t be that person.

I rather like Miku, I may actually go again.

Anyways, the day ended after going to Metro, Miku, Gastown, and finally Granville Island.

Metro was pretty much skipped after we realized her taste in clothing was more of like boutique stores rather than brand names. Miku was my mom’s recommendation and she told me it was “very cheap and affordable” even though everything else I read about the place begged to differ. My mom kind of forced me to go there for lunch, and I felt a bit guilty about it so I thought it would be best if I paid for lunch. Obviously, for a generation that almost always splits the bill, it was a little off putting. Funny because it was my birthday but I was treating others.

On the topic of lunch, she made lunch for me the previous day and it was amazing. I was definitely having mixed feelings about having a pretty lady make lunch for me in my house. She cooks really healthy and seems to really take people’s preferences in mind (didn’t help that my preferences for food essentially boil down to “I eat almost everything”), and seemed a bit embarrassed to share her food. I’m not anywhere as good with compliments (read: I am not smooth) to ease her doubts. That occurs more throughout the rest of her stay.

I should really learn to cook.

That cable line looks like a glitched photo.

After that we walked around Gastown and a bit of downtown looking at stores that piqued her interest, and then went to Granville Island because that felt a lot more up her alley than Robson Street. That guess seemed to be correct, and we stayed there until it was time to go.

After I dropped Tiffany off at her house party, Catherine mentioned how she never thought she would make good friend here in Vancouver. Her trip was solely because of the weird downtime between the move-out and move-in dates in London. The duration was too short to go back to China, so her mom thought it best for her to come here. Hearing that, I couldn’t help but be pretty happy with myself. That I made a good decision to let them meet. I mean, if my goal was to let her enjoy her days here, I made a good step forward towards that goal. Although it did feel a bit disappointing that she didn’t consider that we could have become good friends.

Because it was still my birthday, my parents wanted to at least have dinner together, so I went over to Su Hang near PriceSmart. I made the reservation earlier today for 5:30pm, but because of traffic we got there around 5:50 pm. My parents hadn’t called me before we got there, so I was just under the assumption that they hadn’t left the office yet, and would probably be there around 6:15pm.

Honestly? The interactions I had with her at the restaurant inbetween my parents and our arrival were the most enjoyable times I had. I don’t know what it was, but it was just the atmosphere and the random things we would talk about that I really enjoyed. It’s weird (and really embarrassing!) to say this, but it was almost like a family gathering with families from different generations (my parents, and mine). It was like I had a wife that my parents liked, and they got along with. She was frantically trying to find out what kind of dishes she should order (because my mom said “you guys pick what to eat”, even though she knew I couldn’t read a lick of the menu), and from my perspective it was very amusing and surprisingly relaxing. When my parents eventually came, they already had a dinner plan in mind (I already told Catherine this). They (my mom and Catherine) talked about what to order and stuff about the restaurant, while my dad and I just exchanged knowing glances and talked random topics. It felt like an inside joke when my mother would talk about what kind of vegetable dish to get and picked all the ones that Catherine had previously not expressed interest in, so I tried to sway my mom towards the ones she liked. Overall, it was the most fun I had that day. In hindsight, this experience and memory was my real birthday present. A small endearing memory to hold on to.

Because right after dinner, I dropped Catherine back at home so the rest of us could go to the office to finish up some late night work. When my mom and I were done, it was already the next day. My father left a little earlier (the privilege of having 2 cars), but it was still well past 11pm.

My birthday was an insanely tiring and mentally trying day, but there were plenty of good, funny, and heart warming memories to look back on.

The Middling Days

Staying at home became less awkward during these days. The first day she said she was tired, so we stayed in. Both of us in different rooms, much like the last time she was here. Except this time she was on the upper floor, and I was down on the bottom floor. Honestly, I wanted to talk to her or do something with her, just to get more used to each other, but I had no idea what to do. Eventually, I caved and went on Fortnite to try and get a game or two. But my ping was sky high, and I ended up just talking to Allen for a little bit. That little bit was all I needed to do to reset. It got me to change my thought process, and loosened me up a bit, so that I didn’t feel all wound up when I had to face her.

These things are way too hard to learn…

I then remembered her pointing out the skateboard in the garage on the day she arrived. I brought down the skateboard, and tried to learn to ride it again.

The mistake I made here was to wait for her to “finish sleeping” before inviting her to give it a try. I should’ve just messaged her on WeChat right away, and let her see it when she wakes up.

Instead, I ended up being able to move a bit on a skateboard, and even stay steady for 1-2 seconds on a ripboard. It was kind of fun, but I did it alone.

The next day she had her period, so we stayed indoors again. She locked herself up in the room again, and so I went and bought stuff that my parents had wanting me to get. I also grabbed a bar of 85% chocolate because I remember hearing/reading somewhere that girls often craved chocolate during their period, and that a high cocoa percentage was best.

I left it on the table thinking she’d maybe eat it if she was hungry. I probably should have just told her that it was for her. I mean whats the point of buying something for someone if you don’t tell them? My defense was that she’s always in her room upstairs with the door closed, which makes me feel like she doesn’t want to communicate with anyone. Not a very good defense though.

The next day she asked if the chocolate was for her, because girls wanted chocolate during their period. I said yes, and she told me that was weird and a bit creepy. Honestly, I didn’t think anything of it because it just seemed natural to do. My bad?

That day was also another shopping date with Tiffany (for Catherine, not me). It started out with it raining, and some little hijinks in finding out what to do while it rained (because rain didn’t go well with the plan to browse Main Street). It’s pretty difficult to try and communicate with someone and make plans on what to do via text while driving a car! Catherine didn’t want to send any texts in English so it was hard.

We ended up going to Richmond Centre to wait out the rain (and we bought some stuff at Uniqlo), and then went to Dolar Shop for lunch. Catherine’s choice. I probably should’ve said something about it, but she rarely has any ideas for where to go/what to do that I thought it would be fine. Came out to $60 per person, and the waitress was really friendly and joked around with us. Good experience, better than it was at Miku (though that one was a poor experience, and not because of the food).

We then went to Main Street to do some shopping. It was… fine? I guess? I didn’t feel as alone today, and it was okay. I don’t think I talked to Catherine very much, but it was an interesting experience just looking around at (mostly) female clothing and seeing the designs, styles, and thinking about how each store markets themselves. Honestly, it’s really easy for me to get distracted thinking about the marketing and brand image aspects when looking at clothing stores. There’s also some thoughts about supply sourcing, how they try to determine the colors options for the clothes (or just general choices), and even what kind of employee they hire. Honestly, the only time I think something beyond some commerce related thing, is when I think “Wow this dress/shirt/skirt/clothing is pretty cute, I wonder how it would look on…” and then my train of thoughts stop.

We did find a very unique store in The Soap Dispensary and Kitchen Staples. As Catherine is very much someone interested in cooking and kitchen related things… oh boy. Lots of time was spent here. They also had a lot of sustainable/environmentally friendly products that I was really interested in. Although… all of them are much more expensive than their non-sustainable counterparts. Like re-usable beeswax seal wraps instead of plastic wrap costs like 25$ for one large wrap, even though a box of plastic wrap costs like $3 and will legitimately lasts years, while the beeswax is only supposed to last one. Sigh, trying to live a more sustainable and environmentally friendly lifestyle is definitely expensive, and not for my current budget. Maybe in a few years.

Somewhere during these days it was decided that I would be driving to Victoria. Honestly, I was not very sure of what kind of planning I would do for a day trip to Victoria, and even at the end, I hadn’t really planned much out besides a general route to go. But my father said it would be fine, my mom didn’t say I couldn’t, and Catherine didn’t seem to mind. It was probably a good choice (for me at least), because if I was still hesitant on doing something a little out of the ordinary (and there was no real risk) after all this time, my mentality might have crumbled.

Nearing The End

Originally, the plan was to go indoor mountain climbing. This was solely because it was one of the few things she expressed interest in. As an awful climber and someone with a scare of heights, it was not a good prospect for me. But it was pretty much the only thing she showed actual interest in that wasn’t shopping, so we had to do it.

But then she said we should go to the Vancouver Art Gallery instead. We had walked by it while we were in Downtown the other day, but she said she wasn’t that interested. Apparently she searched it up later, and liked Takashi Murakami’s style. It’s true, because when I next opened my laptop (which I let her use, even if she didn’t really use it) there were tabs for the Art Gallery.

“I’m someone who needs to know what something is before deciding,” she said.

I figured as much. She did seem like the person who needed to do her research on things.

So we went.

The art gallery was interesting. Only the second floor had Murakami’s works, while the first and third floor were largely unchanged. With that said, I barely remember the contents of the first floor, so it was like seeing it for the first time.

The first floor were mainly sketches and older paintings. I guess the typical kind of thing you would expect at an art museum. Supposedly they were all donated from some private art collector to be displayed after he passed. Looking at the works almost made me wish I had continued doing art. I still heavily prefer traditional mediums versus the digital pieces now. I guess I romanticize the inability to easily make exact replicas that digital art can do. When I was looking at the sketches, all I could think was “wow their line strokes are so beautiful”. Unlike before, that feeling didn’t make me feel inferior. Maybe that’s because I’ve long accepted my inability to get to that level, so seeing something like that without feeling frustration is just the inevitable result of it all. I guess it also falls into my belief that if I feel upset at being inferior at something, it means that I still want to improve in that area. I’ve had that sentiment before, but I only truly put it into words after watching those League of Legends interviews with pros where they talk about how when you lose your “fire to be the best” then it’s time to retire.

Back to the art gallery.

Murakami’s works are all very large. Like physically large. They require not only tall walls, but long walls too. They are also insanely colourful, something that Catherine said she really liked about them. Some of the characters in his work look a bit creepy, like some cross-over between a zombie and an evil anime character. It’s all very fancy though. Very… new age. Fits what my generation really likes, I think. I think he made his work digitally though. There is no real way his colours could be that uniform and perfect without it. I kept trying to find some signs that have the work’s name and mediums used, but I couldn’t find any.

Can’t exactly put it into words, but I really like this one. Feels cult-ish.

The third floor was a bit disappointing and exactly as I remembered. Lots of photos and art works that relate to BC artists. Emily Carr had a large feature here. Tons of trees and nature in curving and weird perspectives. Catherine wasn’t a fan of this, but I slightly am. I guess part of it is that I was raised here, so to see art obviously from here is great. The other part is that I remember trying to copy one of the Group of Seven’s works, and found it such a struggle. It was amazing how easily they could capture a scene with emotion, I couldn’t ever reach that.

We exchanged some words at the gallery, but it’s an art gallery, you don’t really talk that much when looking at it in the first place.

This thing was like over $400!

The art gallery’s gift store was fun. We spent some time looking over the stuff they had. The Murakami-specific stuff was really expensive… 10$ for stickers, 35$ for a tiny plush, and like 80$ for a small one. Catherine couldn’t bring herself to buy any (which I found surprising to be honest, because she didn’t seem to care about managing money, but I guess she does), but bought other stuff instead. She found a birthday gift for her roommate, so we checked that one off the list. The gift shop had these rubber coin wallets that were in the shape of cute animal heads (a bunny, a cat, etc). They were like $20, so not exactly a cheap impulse purchase for something I would never use, so I didn’t buy it.

“If I was a girl I’d probably buy this right away.”

“You might as well already be a girl.”

Ouch.

On the way back, somehow we got into talking about our past relationships. I didn’t have much to talk about, seeing as I haven’t really done anything really romantically involved for the last 6 years. She talked about how she flip flopped around crushing and “dating” guys in grade 11 at a rate of like a new one every week. Then later she ended up dating some guy for two or something years before breaking up. Then she dated someone else in university until the end of school because she really liked him. Apparently she ghosts both of them now, so that’s a bit unfortunate for those guys. At Western, she dated a white guy for some months, but she said she couldn’t get used to how he looked when she looked at him from the side (Caucasian vs Asian facial features I guess) and broke up with him. That situation with the white guy actually made me laugh so hard. To hear something so obviously racist but in such an amusing way was too much for me. I probably laughed for a good 3-4 minutes while driving back. I was a little bit surprised she had dated so much, but then I realized that it wasn’t strange to date during university, in fact it was strange to be like me and not date at all. I talked a bit about how I always felt like I needed to “prove” something academically and I was much too focused on trying to achieve my next step to really think about girls. This is not in chronological order with the events I’m talking about here, but I talked to Sean about this the other day and I was saying how every university year I had something I felt like I needed to achieve in order to try to catch up with my peers. First year I was in SFU Arts and worked towards transferring to Beedie. Then second year when I was in Beedie, I became focused on transferring to UBC Sauder. Once I was in third year Sauder, I focused on trying to take courses to make up for my transfer delays and issues so I could be on the same timeline as everyone else. Fourth year I finally realize that I’m about to graduate and I need to try and secure a job for my future. Then when my fifth year came around, I became very busy with trying to discover myself, my likes and dislikes, and what I want for the future. A relationship always felt “too distracting”, although there were times where I saw my peers/friends and felt a bit lonely and wanted to pursue it, I never really kept that motivation going for more than a couple of weeks. Maybe I’m saying this after the fact because I faced rejection without confessing, but that’s how I feel about it now.

Anyways, we later entered into a 10 year bet (which I afterwards shortened it to 5 years) regarding my relationships. Honestly I hope I win this one because I really don’t like the situation that would occur if I were to lose. Also, I hope she even remembers this 5 years later, because it feels so small and meaningless that it could easily be forgotten. It’s kind of annoying, because the new information that came along with this bet is kind of something that I can’t forget, and will always be on my mind. Frustrating.

The next day was grocery shopping again. The same things happened. Costco trip – I paid. T&T – she paid. Later we went to Granville Street, just before the bridge to downtown, because as we drove by the previous day she said there were some stores that interested her. It also happened to be a place where there was a lot of cookware, something that she asked me about when trying to find something for her roommate.

This day was fun. It had been long enough that it didn’t really feel awkward anymore, and it was just her so it’s like I have to interact with her. We just went from shop to shop (clothing and cookware mainly), and just browsed. I must have been in a good mood because whenever a store employee would say something to us, I would chat them up a bit instantly. It must have been obvious, because later she commented that “you love talking to people, so why don’t you ask them” when we were talking about how some item didn’t have a price tag.

One of the stores we walked into was a home supplies store that also had tableware. She was looking at one of the plates, and obviously wanted to buy it. But apparently because she didn’t think she could carry it back in her small suitcase without breaking it, she didn’t buy it. It was a bit amusing, because she seemed to really want it, and even played RPS with me to “let fate” decide. Fate told her to buy it, but in the end she put it back. Amusing. I said she could just ship it to herself, but she was against that too. Something about it breaking during transit. Interesting.

I think it was this day or maybe it was after the art gallery, but when we got back home she started to cook something. I thought it was a bit early to start preparing for dinner, but whatever – she likes doing this kind of stuff. Later I went to the kitchen area to get more water, but got shooed away by an unusually embarrassed girl. That’s when I became curious. I did see flour there, and we did buy some stuff, so I thought maybe she was baking something? But what she was baking was the real question, what kind of thing is she making to have me not in the kitchen? Well, whatever, I can play with WILL visual novel game and just be at peace with it.

You know, when she first brought this into my room I was actually a bit speechless. I honestly just had no clue what I was supposed to say here. Was it because I never expected this situation to happen? I’m not sure, but during that moment I felt so ridiculously happy and I genuinely felt that I must be having God’s blessing for me to be this lucky. Someone literally was too shy to let me see them making something, and then came into my room as I played a video game for the last 3-4 hours to let me try their baking. I didn’t know if she had any of it for herself yet, but to be honest my brain hadn’t even gotten there. This little situation made me feel so dumb. I felt so at a lost for words, that I literally just stared at her for a moment. When I finally had some brains again, I said something like “So I’m testing for poison I guess?”. I probably already knew I kind of liked her then, so why didn’t I say something more… flirty or something? Why did I have to be a dumb brick for brains and say something “funny”? Anyways, when I ate it, the bread was this cheese, spinach, and a bunch of other veggies and stuff mix, and it was great. If I was already speechless when I saw it, I don’t know how to describe my lack of human functionality after eating it. Too many things went through my mind, and somehow I ended up saying (or at least I think I did, I might have just been retarded and whispered it) “Can you just stay here forever?” I think I did say it, cause she smiled and then left. Then later as she went upstairs she said something like “I think you’re just saying that to make me happy”. I should’ve just said something like “It’s the truth” or something to reaffirm what I said, but instead I said something like “I don’t have the skill to lie like that.”

Oh well.

I truly did feel blessed at that moment.

Which I guess was a confirmation that I liked her, because my parents have been doing that to me for the last 18 or so years of my life.

Later my parents came home and had some of the bread too. My parents were very obviously (to me at least) happy about the situation, and my mom was very openly happy about it. Honestly I think my mom and Catherine has a better relationship than I do with her, even though my mom and her have only been in the same room for maybe like 3-4 hours total. That’s kind of sad, and maybe a testament to my mom’s definitely superior social skills. Needless to say all the bread was finished by the next morning.

Victoria Excursion

I like the light/shadow thing that’s going on here.

 

Her dad had been telling her to go see Buchart Gardens and the rest of Victoria because it was really beautiful and shouldn’t be missed. So for most of it, we talked about Victoria as something that she should find some tour guide or tour bus to attend. Either that our my dad would try to see if any his tour guide connections had something they could do for her, so it was never in the books for me to have any part of this. My mom continuously said that I was “scared of driving to Victoria” because I didn’t know any of the roads, which was complete bullshit. First off, I had never said that before and secondly I would be down to drive to Victoria, it’s just that I’m not a tour guide and I have no idea where to go or how to make the journey fun.

Eventually it became my responsibility and my dad just gave me some places to consider going. Tiffany was invited to Victoria by Catherine (probably so it wouldn’t be awkward as just the two of us for a full day outside). I invited JV because I didn’t want to third wheel again.

So when the day came, I went around picking people up before heading to the Tsawwassen port (which I didn’t realize was so close to the US border). I was kind of in a bit of a rush and a bit stressed because I had reserved tickets for the 8am (I think? My memory is a little hazy on the details now) and you needed to be there 30 minutes prior or else you would lose your reservation and might not be able to get on the ferry. Because the next boat after the 8am one was 10am, it was not really an option to miss this one. We got there one time, and got to Victoria at around 9:30.

Phone camera quality lul

After 30 minutes of driving, we got to Buchart Gardens at almost exactly 10 am, and was there until noon. It was funny, because there were so many moments in the gardens that I thought “Wow, this was part of Buchart Gardens? I always thought this was part of Queen Elizabeth park.” I guess because I had come here a lot as a child, my exact memory of the place was a little off. I got to take some pictures of flowers… a lot of pictures of flowers to be exact. I think I’m satisfied with flower pictures for now. It looked like Catherine enjoyed the gardens, so I guess the garden’s reputation is deserved.

Nourish @ Victoria

Our next destination was lunch. The place was called Nourish and Tiffany chose it because Catherine liked healthy food. When I first told her that there was a suggestion for lunch, she first asked “Is this your suggestion?” like all of my ideas are bad. Ouch! We’ve only talked for like a week, how can you just assume that! Sad. Getting to the restuarant there was a bit confusing for me because apparently I saved the wrong point in Google Maps, but it was close by so it wasn’t too bad. I’m not even sure if my passengers noticed I was a bit lost. The restaurant was basically just a normal single detached home that was re-purposed into a restaurant. Thus it obviously had a very homey feel to it (because it was actually just a home). The food was actually pretty good, and was a lot different than what I was expecting from a place that heavily advertises itself as being “vegan friendly”, “gluten free”, and “healthy”. In 2018 it’s hard to use those words without some form of negative opinion, but I guess they get a bad rep for no reason.

The rest of them went to the BC Parliament building (which was a straight road from the restaurant) while I went back to fix my parking spot, because I wasn’t technically in the correct 2 hour non-residential parking. The Parliament building was just as I remembered. I have been here at least 3 times after all. We then walked a bit by the harbour near the Parliament building. I was a bit dismayed because my memory seemed to imply some sort of touristy shopping area, but it was wrong because I didn’t really see any street like that. Maybe I was just thinking of another street, but I don’t know Victoria well enough to know where that place would actually be.

We then went to some miscellaneous places. I regret always looking towards Catherine when I asked a question of whether or not people wanted to go there. Even if the 2 other people said okay, I kept waiting on the final reply before making a decision. I don’t think I would have done that if the final reply was someone else. I detracted away from the idea that this was a “group road trip” and made it seem more like we were just accompanying her on her trip. That I regret a lot. I didn’t even notice I was doing this until basically the end. She said something like “Why are you always looking towards me for an answer?” and that was the first realization that I was doing something wrong. Whoops, my bad guys.

After having a few places veto’d, we went to UVic to check out the school before our scheduled ferry time.

I honestly wasn’t expecting much of the drop to UVic. I mainly wanted to see what the school looked like, and get a feel for how it would compare to the other schools I’ve been to. I mean, I applied for this place, I should at least take some time to see what it would be like.

My thoughts can be summarized as – the buildings are very UBC-like, and the place is very SFU-like. UBC-like buildings in that they wouldn’t feel out of place at UBC, in fact I might sometimes even think they are in UBC, and SFU-like in that the environment felt small and very compacted. I once again got the feeling that I was trapped to a small parcel of land, without anywhere to go.

Help, I’m being bullied.

We walked around some of the buildings, and then spent a while in one of the empty classrooms. Kind of just played around in the buildings. Honestly, it was kind of the highlight of the trip for me. Just that few 15-20 minutes in the classrooms. Maybe it’s because it was the only real interactions that had all 4 of us, or maybe the only important part was Catherine. Regardless, this memory stands out even months later.

Eventually it was time to head back to catch the ferry. Played some cards on the ferry and JV ate a lot of cheese crackers (if I remember correctly) without water. Eventually I got really tired and sat down to rest. We kind of all sat together until Catherine said she was going to sit somewhere else because it was too noisy or something. So I kept watching the TV that played some sports game…. until I realized I had slept for the last 45 minutes or so. I was a bit surprised I had clutched my phone the entire time. It was amusing to see both these dummys sleeping on my shoulder. I woke up just in time to hear the bell to call us back down to the car. Heavy eyelids made my eyes a little numb so it was hard to see clearly for a bit. Made finding the run away girl a lot harder to find.

Eventually everyone got dropped off. Tiffany, then Catherine, then JV, then back home. Maybe I should’ve just taken JV back home after Tiffany for my personal interest, but everyone was tired and she gets car sick so I thought dropping everyone off with the least amount of car-time was for the best.

My mom asked if we were tired, and I think I said “not yet, I still have to drive JV home.”

Later my mom recalled Catherine saying she was really tired, but that I was the most tired. Made me a little happy, and the trip a bit more worth it.

The Last Day

Unrelated scenery from Victoria.

What I am feeling right now should probably only be described as… “disappointment” ? It’s like some weird sinking feeling in my heart, even though I was in a good mood after my morning walk. Maybe it’s the fact that we still have nothing to really say to each other, maybe it’s the fact that I’ve gotten used to taking her around the last few days and the change (or drop in activities) is saddening, or maybe I actually still like her (romantically). I guess I really did enjoy the last few days, having her around was pretty fun, and a nice welcome break from the grind that was tax season. Honestly, I’m a little bit glad I have to fly to China pretty soon, I bet this feeling would last a couple of days, and I’ll be busy tomorrow trying to pack and organize my things, and the rest of the time (outside of the stupid 13 hour plane ride) I’ll be struggling in China.

I noticed that I’ve sighed a lot while typing my last paragraph. Am I really that let down by her leaving? Did I feel this way last time too? I type all of this out so that if something like this happens again, I’ll have a record of it so I can see what I felt previously.

Suddenly I feel like talking, like actual talking. When we were at home, we didn’t really talk much anyways, so I’m not sure what this feeling is coming from.

There is an actual heaviness in my chest (heart) right now. I had always thought that the description of “a heavy heart” was a fabricated emotion, but now I’m finding out it’s true. This is different from the heartbreak I felt before where it actually felt like my heart/chest was being struck by little pins – that was painful. This just feels heavy and hard to deal with. It puts me into a solemn mood.

I guess I really enjoyed doing all these things the last few days. I would always have a hard time telling if I actually “enjoyed something”, but this feeling of unhappiness truly must mean I enjoyed the last week and some days. Even if it was quite the struggle the first few days, and less of a struggle now. I still haven’t asked her if she wants to play some games, because usually things she’s actually interested in she will say it herself, so I’m getting the feeling she isn’t. That’s disappointing in itself because I got a bit excited wanting to show someone the “world of video games” as it was, and prepared a small list of games in different genres that she might like (just guessing).

I guess it was fun to work for someone else’s happiness.

Trying to consider all the options and then trying to make a good decision, including some feedback about the places and learning more about them as we go, it was truly fun. The best satisfaction is seeing a smiling/happy response from them at the end of the day. I didn’t actually really realize how often I would look to see if she would smile or laugh from something until yesterday on the car drive back from the ferry terminal, when I would constantly look into my rear view mirror for nothing else but to see if she would show some sort of happiness at the end of the day.

I wonder if it looked like I had any fun at all these days? I’ve never really been one to show too much emotion (especially if they’re not close friends), so hopefully I didn’t seem like I was incredibly bored. Maybe I should say that later…

On the topic of later, I wonder how we’re going to drop her off at the airport. Is my dad going to take her? My parents? All of us? Just me? Is it wrong that I’m hoping for the last option? At least I can say my piece and end it the way I want to.

Side note, I’ve recently begun the actually understand that the way I want to do/end/start something is not the way others do. It sounds dumb and silly, I know, but now I’m consciously aware of that fact.

It’s weird. It was maybe 2 days ago (just before Victoria), where I was thinking about what to say to her when she leaves. It’s weird because it was right after the day/moment where I finally felt that the tension between us had disappeared (or just lessened a lot). I am really glad that it’s a bit better between us. Sure, I don’t think I’m ever going to get her to smile at me the way she looked at Tiffany when we were dropped her home the second time (this long look of longing, sadness [that she was leaving], and happiness [that she could meet and befriend someone nice like Tiff] as Tiffany was walking back home), but just getting a step forward is so satisfying.

On that note, I can’t believe how much I’ve been conditioned to want to see her smile, it’s actually insane. I must still have some feelings for this girl, or else I wouldn’t be like that. It truly is like people say, when you see someone you like smile, you feel your mood improving as well.

Back to the goodbyes. I’ve kept thinking about it the last few days, and the things I’ve thought about paying so far are:

• We’re friends now, so if you need help with someone just ask
• If you ever come again, don’t hesitate to ask for something
  • AKA: It’s fine (& desired) for you to contact us about anything you might need
  • Maybe I should change that to “When you come again…”
• Hope you had fun
• Don’t forget us this time, or else it’s really going to be a struggle the next time around
• I had fun too [NEW!]

And suddenly now that I’ve started to think about all of this, I’m just feeling even more sad that these days are going to end. Or maybe it’s the leftover feelings from before I became too busy with work & school? Man.

Some of this is funny, because now that I’ve done this, I feel like I want to try and meet new people, and maybe even date someone new. This whole idea of trying to learn about someone and then trying to keep their thoughts in mind while being with them is actually so euphoric that I might be addicted. Maybe it’s just because I like her that I feel this way. I mean, from her looks and personality, she is definitely the type I would crush on. And the lifestyle that she lives, while completely different from mine. is very much something I have wanted to try to live for ages. Health focused, not caring too much about what others thing, doing what you want to do (and studying what you want to do), waking up early, READING ACTUALLY BOOKS. It’s actually so inspiring to me to see someone live this way that it almost makes me want to cry thinking that said person is leaving.

Of course there are things about her that I’m not fond of, but those things exist for everyone. And isn’t the point of any kind of relationship to communicate and struggle together to handle those things?

I hope I can keep some of these motivational feelings and inspired thoughts with me even when she leaves. I really want to try and put these things into practice, and try live a healthy lifestyle. I feel like I’ve lost so much confidence in myself just from my physical appearance and unhealthy lifestyle that just emulating some of the things I’ve seen could make me feel a lot better.

On that note, I should take some notes so I can better remember what things to try to do when I’m back from China (or even in China, if possible!)

Notes:

1. Waking up early (she wakes up between 4 and 5am!)
2. Daily exercise at a scheduled time (she does exercises for like 30min or so after waking up)
3. Paying attention to the things you eat (wanted to know what kind of milk/butter was used to make T&T’s cakes)
4. Putting a focus on buying organic (I’m not sure how much of this one I’ll want to follow…)
5. Cooking without much oil, and a heavy focus on vegetables (like a rabbit).
6. Rice can be healthier if it becomes a mix of stuff (maybe healthier is not the right word)
7. Cooking can be enjoyable if there’s a goal/reason behind it (beyond just being hungry)
8. Greek yogurt + fruits is a legit thing for breakfast (you would think I already knew, but I honestly don’t know shit)
9. Tomatoes can go well with mushrooms and tofu.
10. Beansprouts can be just boiled (I don’t really know what the process is called, like where you strain/soak it with hot water a to cook it a bit?) and eaten separately
11. Not every dish has to be a mix of things that I’ve seen before. It is perfectly okay to just throw random things together.
12. There’s more cooking methods than just stir-fry.
13. Steaming corn is a pretty easy replacement for rice.
14. Zucchini’s are pretty good (I already know this, but just reinforcement I guess?)

I’m not really sure what else there is. I probably should have been keeping a list to just add things on when I see them, but I guess I was too busy trying to not be socially awkward in my own house.

While I’m at it, I guess I should actually write out my “discoveries” or conscious realizations about me and social interaction.

1. I worry a lot. I’m just a worrier by nature, and that’s fine. I also tend to worry about something a lot at the beginning, and then I eventually stop bothering to think about it.
2. Even if I think of what I want to say beforehand, if the scenario changes a little bit from what I had originally imagined, I quickly forget what I wanted to say.
3. I need to try to worry less about what people are going to think when I say something. I need to just ask the hard questions, even if they’re hard, because it (if nothing else) makes me less worried about everything that’s happening.
4. I really like being considerate of other people’s preferences and such. I guess I always knew that, but now I’m finding that I prefer it to a new degree. It makes the stuff I’ve been saying for interview questions (“I like to tailor my approach for specific people”) not as much of a lie.
5. Listening to my favourite music can instantly boost my mood. Also I still strongly prefer earbuds over headphones, so the WH1000MX2’s are probably the last headphone I purchase.
6. Talking to my friends and doing something quick with them gets me to reset (behaviour and thinking wise). It’s really easy for me to over think something and get lost in the worries and possible mishaps that my brain creates for me. Doing something (like playing Fortnite) with friends instantly gets me into a “natural” mood.
7. My “natural mood” is just saying whatever comes up on my mind, without worrying what comes into my mind (i.e. not worrying that I should only trying to think of things related to ____ topic). There’s isn’t a time where I can’t think of something random to say, only times where I get too focused on trying to think of something to say, and not letting it naturally come.
8. I really like teasing people. It’s fun in it’s own way, and (for me) a sign that I am relaxed. But sometimes I need to know when I’ve gone to far and apologize for it.
9. Sarcasm isn’t easy for everyone to get. I often use sarcasm or self-depreciating things to try and have some fun, but there are times where people don’t realize I’m putting on an act, and they can get upset/take things the wrong way.
10. I need to set expectations at the beginning. Like what I am hoping to get out of this experience, or what my goals are (i.e.: trying to make sure she has fun this week), and my reasonings/motivations for them (i.e.: I actually just want to see people enjoy themselves, and am not being forced/pressured by my parents/family relationships).
11. I seem to separate friends that I met through family, and friends that I meet on my own, and act around them different. Ones I met through family I feel like I let my guard down more in the beginning, but never truly move beyond that. Ones that I met myself, my guard is up a lot, but comes all the way down. In summary, there always feels like this “wall” that prevents me from acting 100% natural or perceiving them as a ‘true’ friend. I guess it’s the thought that they could share the way I act with their family, and that it eventually gets to my parents. Maybe it’s just a that I feel like I need to act a certain way around my parents/family, and meeting someone via family makes them feel like an extension of my parents/family. I need to somehow be able to switch people over to the other category.
12. Asking weird or out-of-the-blue questions is a pretty good way to break the ice and get used to each other.
13. I need to learn to let loose. I can’t enjoy something if I’m too focused on trying to “act properly”. And “acting properly” is a good way to get others to think of you as something you’re not. What a waste of time that is. (Too bad I do it all the time!)
14. When I’m talking in Chinese, I need to actually visualize that the conversation is in English, or else I can’t begin to think of follow-up questions or carry the flow. Something about speaking in Chinese makes me try to think in Chinese, which I can’t do, and ruins any ability I have to converse.

I think that’s all the things I can think of right now.

My mood felt better when I wasn’t thinking about her leaving and was focused on personal improvement. But alas, now I’m back to reality.

In hindsight, this letter must read like some sort of love letter, even if I had no intentions of it trying to sound like that. I just feel very thankful for her presence here, and that I hope this is the catalyst to me turning my life around (or at least the first step). I wonder how she would feel reading all of this… because even though it really does sound like I’m enamored by her (which I guess I am in some ways), I’m not really wanting to have some sort of romantic relationship with her. Though maybe if I met her on my own and not through my family, that would be different.

I guess it’s just that I feel like we’re so similar in many ways, but the differences (especially in her health focused lifestyle) are things that I’ve aspired to adopt, and I feel incredibly appreciative and thankful that there is someone close to me who is doing what I have failed to do. It’s really inspiring and motivating to see that kind of thing.

The Real Thing

I’m incredibly embarrassed right now.

Or at least I was about 6 hours ago.

I already knew I was going to have a hard time saying any of the things I wanted to say, and that was if I was saying it in English! I hadn’t even tried to think about how I would phrase anything in Chinese, and it was truly the struggle of my life to even think of the proper words to fit what I wanted to say.

I wanted to say something more sincere, because generally everything I had spoke to her was very casual. Instead I probably stammered and sounded very confused and awkward.

Sigh.

Looking at what I had originally wanted to say, I probably covered like… 1.5 points. I didn’t say that I had fun. I did ask if she had fun. I did try to say to call on us if she ever comes by again. I also did say that we’re friends now and to not bother being a stranger, but I fucked that one up pretty bad so I think she probably thinks Tiffany said that instead. Oh well, that’s okay. I didn’t say to not forget again, because I was scared of her getting moody again. So out of 5 points, I probably scored a nice 30% or so. That’s definitely not a passing mark.

If I had thought of it as a test, I probably would’ve gotten through more.

I mumbled some stuff and like phrased things poorly and she was actually confused if I was telling her to never come back or not. That’s unfortunate.

In my embarrassment I went and bought bubble tea at Coco, and drank that sweet unhealthy shit down to drown my sorrows. Before that though, I had to send some clarifying messages on WeChat, that honestly didn’t clarify much but were just additional awkward messages about random points.

Sometime after I got home and started doing my laundry to prepare for my noon plane on Saturday, I suddenly felt free to type whatever I wanted to her on WeChat, expect now I felt weird about it because we actually never really talked on WeChat or in person before it anyways. Yikes.

As I opened up the guest room door upstairs to claim back my laptop, I was reminded of the smell of my car. No, not the soap smell of the air freshener in the front, but of the person who always sat in the back. Honestly, I felt a bit creepy and perverted that I was recognizing a smell, but oh well, I’ll live. The room will also clear itself out before I come back anyways.

In retrospect, these last week and some days has been a quite positive experience for me. I remembered and got over past experiences, I learned a lot about myself, and I’ve been inspired to live slightly better. Just consistently taking walks and eating healthier/less is the first step, I need to someday branch that into actual gym/cardio workouts and actually cooking.

Sigh.

I feel a little bored thinking of what I’m going to do tomorrow. Pack my bags, prep my stuff for the plane ride, and do some shopping for things. I think I might go to Meinhardt on Granville because they had some fancy fruit chocolate thing there that interested me when we went by there on Tuesday, but maybe I just need to distance myself from anything related to her to get my mind out of this mood. I already know I don’t function well when I have something else entirely on my mind all the time.

It’s funny.

Before she came here, I was expecting to be annoyed driving this girl around town to different parks and places, but now that she’s gone I feel a genuine sadness about her departure.

It’s funny how thoughts and reality differ.

However, this time I wish that reality and my thoughts were aligned.

The Next Day

China.

I leave for China tomorrow morning at noon. That means I need to be at the airport between 9 to 10 am. Then I get all nice and comfortable for the amazing 13 hour flight I get to sit through. Yay.

I spent today not packing my bags or preparing for my trip, because I was at the office working.

I also felt a little weird, because things felt different.

I didn’t hear from the kitchen when I woke up around 7am. When I went to make breakfast there weren’t plates waiting to dry. When I had leftovers for lunch, the taste felt too strong and heavy, even though I preferred that before. When I came back from my walk to an empty house, I could sing indoors as well as outdoors. When I went towards my car I didn’t have to open the back door. When I looked in my rear-view mirror there was nobody there.

It was strange.

Doesn’t seem like I was a fan of her and her mom back in 2010 as well. Oh fast opinions can change.

Two weeks ago, I was starting to dread having to take someone around Vancouver even though there was so much work left to do. Now two weeks later, I’m missing said person even though we didn’t really talk. What has happened to me?

This all started when she first came around back in 2010.

I need to find out how I felt back then. What happened afterwards? How did those feelings just disappear into the wind?

You don’t know how many hard drives, USB devices, and external drives I went through. If there’s anything my house does not lack, it is storage devices. I must have flipped through over 40 different hard drives with at least 6 different input forms (USB A, micro-B, USB B, SATA, IDE (?), and plenty of other ones for which I don’t even know the name of) before I finally found the hard drive that contained these chat logs I’ve posted.

So what happened?

This is really cute. I asked her about the beaver plush this time around, and she said she wouldn’t have given such an uncute toy.

How did these interactions end up…

There was never a reply. Also, is that a Cut the Rope character? Loved that game.

…like this?

Did we just grow apart? Did I find something else, or someone else I was more interested in? Did she lose interest? Did she think I no longer liked her? I want to know so badly.

But that was in 2010.

Almost a full 8 years ago.

We were also both young, still learning, and still failing.

Reading those chat logs, I realized I no longer have that energetic online persona anymore. I constantly think negatives, and I no longer have the confidence to say whatever stupid, cheesy, amusing thing I want to say. In fact, I couldn’t even think of those words today! Younger me was definitely more brave. I don’t have that sort of whimsical, more outgoing personality anymore. Or at least, not the energy for it all the time.

I also realized her English is basically at the same level as it was before. That surprises me, because she’s actually gone and done a year over at Western, and even took dedicated English classes before then. I guess having an English professor as a parent is a really good way to get a great working grasp of English.

But I want to know.

I really do.

But what else is there left for me to learn? I stopped using MSN actively in the next following years after 2010, switched to Skype, and now finally I am on Discord. There is no more history for me to read.

None.

If there’s nothing left from my end, does that mean I have to get it from her?

Wow.

Uh…

No.

That is never, ever, happening.

…Sigh.

Does this mean if I was more approachable this last week, I could have potentially had my fairy-tale ending?

That’s a depressing thought.

But whatever.

When I talked to her in the car about if she would ever even come back to Vancouver, it sounded like she was sure she would (even though I was sure she wouldn’t). So maybe I still have a chance?

I have constantly been trying to keep myself motivated and dedicated to healthy goals and inspirations, so maybe this is finally the time that all kicks in. I’ve read that motivation only gets you past the finish line, and dedication is what takes care of the rest.

I guess I’m going to have to build up some confidence before she comes again. When she does, I’ll try to act more like a human being that time. And if she doesn’t? Well, it wouldn’t have been the first time we didn’t stick to our promises.

Two Weeks of Reflection

More China!

I’ve come back from my trip to China, and I got to spend a lot of time thinking over these feelings.

I keep trying to deny the fact that I might actually love her, and I consistently try to convince myself that I don’t. I am just inspired by her actions and the way she has changed. In my eyes, her actions in avoiding the planned life her parents laid out in order to pursue her personal interests was just inspiring. As someone who feels that they have no control of their own life, it was like seeing light at the end of a tunnel. I’ve always felt that all the big decisions in my life were chosen for me. From the schools and programs I attended, to my career path, and even my personality, I have always felt like those choices were not made by me. My parents wanted me to attend Middle Years/Synergy, my parents wanted me to be an obedient child, my parents wanted me to continue French, my parents wanted me to take extracurriculars, my parents wanted me to pursue IB, my grandparents wanted me to go to UBC, my mother wanted me to do accounting, and my father has always wanted me to be interested in technology. Never have they said that they wanted me to be happy, but rather it had always been to do things that make them happy. If even they say they “want me to make my own choice”, they always continuously put pressure on me to choose the option that they prefer. For most of my life I’ve felt so controlled by my parents, that my only goal in life was to meet their expectations and make them happy. When I first met Catherine in 2010, I felt that she was in a similar situation. Being forced to learn English even though she was raised in China. Living and moving between boarding schools because her parents wanted time to work and not raise her. Being forced to pursue accounting in university because her father could secure her future that way. For two people with such different interests, I felt that we were incredibly similar.

So when she was telling me how she lied about applying for UBC’s Masters program and instead applied to Western’s Undergraduate program, and how she handled the constant arguments in order to pursue what she wanted – I felt so inspired.

This girl, in a similar situation, had this bravery and self-confidence to go against her parent’s wishes in order to pursue her own. I instantly felt inspired to follow suit, and I always instantly felt jealous. Jealous that I didn’t have that bravery and confidence to follow suit.

I guess that made me set her as an aspiration, something to strive for. Of course, I am referring to the ability to strike her own path, but it seems to have mixed in with another feeling I had.

While I have previously stated in this blog that I had originally forgot all about our younger interactions, I have been lying. Of course I don’t remember word for word the things we said or did, but I remember the general timeline. While she wasn’t constantly on my mind throughout the last 8 years as someone I loved, she was still there. I had long accepted that we would never have any sort of communication again, so it was easy to romanticize the relationship that never came to be. It didn’t help that the only relationship I had afterwards was one that felt very manipulative. Nor did the shattering of any personal identity I had for myself after IB. One of the few enjoyable memories I could look back upon without any potential negative consequences souring the rose-tinted glasses. So when I first heard she was coming to Vancouver again, those nostalgic feelings started to take more and more control of my thoughts. What am I going to say to her? Do we still feel the same? Do I still feel the same? Wait, does she even still remember? Wait, am I even remembering correctly? I never really got to sort those feelings out. Quickly, my life got filled up with more pressing matters like failing assignments, group project drama, my grandfather’s diagnosis, and the looming event that was personal tax season.

When she did finally arrive, none of those original questions ever became more than just questions. It made it incredibly awkward and confusing for me to try and interact with this person who became a seemingly different person over the last 8 years.

Then when I became inspired and enamoured with her lifestyle changes, it set the answers to all those original questions to “yes.” A brain dead, yet positive sign.

So yes. I probably do love her. And yes, it probably heavily stems from nostalgic childhood memories and how inspired she made me feel. But what of it? It’s been some time since I’ve felt so unworried about having these feelings, that I think I might just let it run it’s course.

What that means though, I’m not sure.

Of course that means I’m probably going to end these feelings by telling her them, but what of it? From my perspective, if she doesn’t outright hate me, it’s probably pretty close to that. There’s also the question of what do I do about these past memories? Taking her word for truth, she doesn’t remember any of the things we did last time, and definitely doesn’t remember the MSN conversations either. Is it wrong for me to want to tell her about them? I obviously have such a huge bias for this decision, but I still would like to find a compromise between what I want to do, and what is for the best.

And that brings about another question… when? When do I even tell her these feelings? This year? Next year? Some random time in the distant future? I mean the last few messages I’ve sent to her on WeChat resulted in what I would consider as “ghosting”, and I sure as hell don’t think she’s coming back to Vancouver anytime soon. Even if she did, I don’t think she would be staying at my house again. And even if both of those things are true, I wouldn’t be staying in that house again, nor would I have the free time I did this time to take her around. I guess I can get something planned for her birthday, but do I really want to tell her that then? Would this sort of thing even be effective when it’s (A) in English and not Chinese, and (B) written instead of verbal? How would I even express myself clearly in written form? Do I just drop a USB with this blog and some old conversation history and say nothing? Questions.

But whatever I end up deciding, I don’t think I’ll really regret it. It is kind of fun having these kinds of feelings, and it’s enjoyable to have a new non-academic type of goal in life.

I feel a little giddy and unburdened after coming to this conclusion. I should remember my own advice of acting like I normally do, and just let this situation go as it pleases. I’ve long been developing a strange desire to visit all of the Universities I had previously applied for (Western was one of them), so maybe that’ll be the next thing that happens. I should also remember Cara’s words to be about enjoying the process. While I want to achieve my goals, I shouldn’t stress about them so much that I forget to enjoy the steps that brings me to my goals. That way, even if I don’t achieve my goals, I would have at least enjoyed the work and effort I put in to get there.

Yeah, that sounds like a good idea.

Summer Ends

The end of an enjoyable summer.

It’s been a long time coming, but finally this blog is reaching it’s end.

It will soon by close to 4 months since Catherine suddenly came back into my life. A date shared by the end of summer and the start of work. The end of my university life, and the beginnings of a work/school CPA life. The beginnings of a more regimented and focused lifestyle, and the end the whimsical wandering this last school year has been.

Hopefully I top it off by finishing this blog. It has enough word count to make up for any amount of regular blogs I could make.

It’s been so long since I’ve written anything, that anything I had written previously is likely gone from my memory. What I included, and what I didn’t include are all vague to me, so I will forgo it and write whatever I want to include.

I definitely like Catherine.

I’d maybe even say love, but right now it’s definitely more than just a passing fancy. But is that even possible? She studies in London, Ontario, and I live in Vancouver, BC. I’ll be stuck here fore at least 3 years to finish my CPA, and then maybe 2 more years if I don’t want to pay back the education costs I saved. She’ll be studying for at least 3 more years, and then look for work. With her parents background, she could likely move back to China to work, or use her academics to find a position in the States. Canada seems like the tertiary option, and even then Vancouver is below Toronto for work. Any future plans seem unlikely.

My mother is also close friends with her mother. My parents used to be closer towards her father, but time moves and people prioritize the people important to them. The friendship solely exists between the mothers now. Hearing that, it makes me anxious. I don’t really want to be a reason for my parents to suffer any friendship-related problems. Her parents are also both 100% of the time going to be in China, so her “home” will continue to remain there. Mine will forever be Vancouver.

I’m not sure what kind of interests we really share. How can you even be friends if you don’t have something in common for the relationship to revolve around? We don’t study the same field, we don’t have the same main language, our hobbies are different, and our lifestyles are vastly different. I know you don’t need to share the same interests in order to hang out with someone, but it’s a lot harder when there is no common ground to work off of. I guess I’m slowly trying to focus more on health eating and lifestyle, so that’s something in common, but this small language barrier makes communication difficult even after there’s common ground! It really makes me pay more attention to Chinese. I may listen to more Chinese songs to recognize and learn more words and phrases. Though I guess the most important part is to just feel natural around them and that you “can be yourself”. It started out weird, but a before she left I finally felt like I was acting and responding quite naturally, I was “being myself”.

What attracts me to her? Beyond just physical appearance, which she’s very pretty and very clearly leagues above me. I guess I have one big reason:

1. She inspires me.

Inspiration from her healthy lifestyle, from having a strict wake-up and bed time, to being able to have a daily routine of exercise, to caring about the foods she consumes.

Inspiration from her courage to change and control her own future. Changing her field even though the existing path was all planned out with guaranteed success is something I could never bring myself to do.

Inspiration from her dedication to academics, even when it was in a field she never liked.

I guess the other reason is that I just feel so much more happier with her around. Her smile, her eyes, her look of annoyance when I unconsciously begin to say “anything is fine” for the 6th time today. All of it raises my spirits.

But what do I even want from this relationship? To date? Long term? Short term? Long distance? Same city? It’s been so long since I’ve really put much focus into a relationship (if ever) that I don’t even know what I really want. Maybe what I really want is just to spend more time with her. Maybe that time lasts forever, but maybe that time only lasts until I don’t get that sense of happiness with her anymore. Though regardless of which, it would be what I want from this relationship – happiness.

But how would this development occur? Literally separated by the country that I oh so love. Sure, we live in this digital age where communication is instant, but we’re not even good enough friends to make small talk. Heck, everyday that goes by I become more and more sure that she probably dislikes me.

Which gets to the crux of all of this. Does she hate me?

Well, I’ve long come to accept the fact that it’s possible. Even likely. And even if she does, that doesn’t change how she inspires me and made my days happier. In fact, the coward in me would maybe actually prefer this result. This relationship would end right here, and I could keep these rose-tinted memories with me until the grave. It would be an easy stop, because it’s just a continuation of the current situation. I would use these memories to motivate me to continue changing for the better, and I would be none the wiser.

If it’s anything else – life is rough. A neutral response is the worst, because then it makes me want to put effort in to change it, but as I’ve already gone over, that’s a tough hurdle to cross.

But what has really got my head messed up these last few days is something she said about Tiffany when we were talking about exes.

She likes you! And I think she compliments your personality well.

Girl! I’m crushing on you!!! Can you not throw me this curve ball?!

This curve ball has made my so incredible conscious of my interactions with her that it just ends up with her basically avoiding her. It doesn’t help that I know people who actually do like her! An awful situation.

Catherine even bet me that in 10 years I’ll marry her. Can you give me a break?! Ahhhhh! I wanted to scream so badly. Actually, it’s not even past tense, I still want to scream!

I do not see Tiffany is that way at all.

I thought we made that clear ages ago? Right, we did! Yes, yes. Such a situation like Catherine said could never exist. But the evidence she gave for it had actually occurred before! Catherine had apparently asked her if she liked me, to which we answer was “Haha, he’d kill himself before we would date.” Which is supposed to somehow mean that she never said no, which somehow implies a yes. What is this reasoning!! Ahh!! Stop it! I know girls aren’t supposed to make any sense, especially not to guys, but this is so evil of you! And then I suddenly remembered back at Emily’s Christmas party someone asked a similar question “Are you two dating?” to which the answer was once again “Haha, he’d kill himself before that would happen.”

I mean I also instantly said no after hearing such a question back then, but the follow up reply was indeed real.

My confidence is the answer being no is seriously wavering and it’s driving me insane. Only for the reason that if it’s actually true, what do I do?! I’ve just been trying to calm myself by continually saying it’s not true and then trying to adjust my behaviour back to normal. I hated how she said that I would “forget about this the next day”, after telling me that I think too much about things. Isn’t this a topic I would think a lot about?! Evil, truly evil.

But her birthday is September 12. Which happens to be the day I start work.

I am going to mail her those plates that she couldn’t bring herself to buy when we saw them in May. It’s a ridiculously easy thing to mail, so I thought it would be a very non-committal and not too intrusive of a gift. A little throwback to something that happened, and it’s not heavily teasing a “I like you” feeling. But maybe I need to tease that feeling? Ah, that’s another struggle.

So when I throw in a birthday card for her as well in it, do I ask Tiffany to sign it too? I mean, in a normal circumstance I would ask without question, but the previous circumstance is ruining me too badly to make any sort of rational decision. I probably will end up asking, but I’ll just silently suffer over whether or not to do it until the early September.

So how should I wrap this up…

This summer has been quite good.

Good for my personal development and improvement (weight-loss, lifestyle changes). You know I’m down from 235 lb in March to under 210 as of mid August? How it continues to go is a little uncertain, but here’s for the best.

Good amounts of relaxation and travelling without wasting a lot of time. It isn’t like every other summer where I feel like I am just waiting for time to tick down to September.

Good amounts of new goals and future aspirations. Healthy eating, and routine exercise! Trying to put some focus onto caring about my physical well-being, while chasing the small amount of romantic emotions I stumbled upon.

Good amount of reconnecting with old friends, and continually meeting with existing ones. Who would’ve thought I could meet with Jimmy (haven’t seen in 4-5 years) and Catherine (haven’t seen in 8 years), yet be hanging out with close friends basically every week.

Life has been a lot more positive this summer, and hopefully I can keep this momentum going into the following season and maybe even until next year. I know it’s unreasonable to think this summer’s positives are going to carry me a full year, so I’m trying to prepare some additional positive swings in the following seasons to keep me going. If it works and brings me to Summer 2019, I’ll be readily looking for a chance to further develop my personal development goals (moving out and trying to become more independent!) as well as these new found romantic ones. If I find an opportunity to visit Toronto, you can sure bet that I’ll swing by to Waterloo as well as London. I just hope the people I’m looking to see will still be there during the season of academic tranquility.

It’s been a long time coming, but summer is finally coming to a close.

Yet my motivations continue to burn.

What a positive sign.