Unrelated photo is unrelated.

I woke up this morning thinking it was 6am, and went back to bed.

But then I slowly came to realize that my phone alarm was ringing and that meant it was 7, so I eventually got up after 10 minutes of it screaming.

Begrudgingly went and took a shower to try and wake myself you after a few hours of sleep, and then get ready to deal with stupid merges on the road.

Surprisingly there was little traffic on the road to school, and I got there pretty early considering the bonus shut eye I took. Someone up there took pity on me for driving while tired.

Yesterday was Pacific Northwest’s first real Smash Bros. ‘Major’. I think Don’t Park On The Grass which happened last year was kind of one, so maybe it’s Western CANADA’S first major. We had about 700 entrants (I think it was 680~) across both games and had a peak viewer ship of 6k viewers on the melee grand finals stream. I’m not sure for smash 4’s peak, but it was over 1.1k on day 1, even while Smash ‘n Splash 3 was running it’s top 64, which would be more exciting for people to watch. That is an amazing result. Especially considering both events ran on the same weekend.

I’m hella tired from the event, and I really felt like I did nothing. I can only imagine how K. Dhir and the rest of the Smash execs feel.

Looking back at Tuesdays midnight mobile blog, those feelings feel quite foreign. I’m not feeling the stress and heavy atmosphere of home, and definitely not feeling those annoying temptations I had before (to a much lesser degree). Doesn’t mean that any of them are gone, or I’ve come to some conclusion about it that satisfied me. I’ve only just forgot it. Pushed it out of my mind. I have more important things to be focusing my attention on. Succeeding in the course, finding a job, taking photos, attending events that I enjoy, etc. I may sound very wishy-washy, but I’ve always been like this. I move on quite quickly. Unless I really feel that strongly towards the subject, I’m likely not going to be able to hold on to the intense feeling I had before, for better or for worse.

When it’s about something difficult and negative, this trait is pretty helpful. Those things quickly stop being important aspects of my day, and I go back to focusing on things that mattered to me before. When it’s about something positive like motivation to do something, or enjoying an activity, it will just as quickly disappear and I’ll lose sight of what I had wanted to do before.

That’s disheartening.

I have plenty of examples. There have been some many times where I suddenly feel inspired to improve my photography, and for the next few weeks or so, that’s what I go about doing. Then the passion just stops. The photos I’m taking are bad, or not inspiring. The trips in taking are a waste of time. There’s something else I rather be doing. I’m starting to feel the limitations of my understanding and have no idea how to improve it. These little things really drag down on me, and pull these positive things apart.

I’m kind of scared it’s going to keep happening to things I want to do. I’m getting back into photography, but I’m not sure how long I can hold this interest. Same for Smash. Each tournament I go to, I come back feeling excited to attend another one. Then I don’t attend another one for a long time. Before Bob 2, the last one I attended was maybe 3 or 4 months ago for UBC cup near reading break. That might not be bad if there had only been a few tournaments in-between the times, but there are literally multiple events a week in the area.

I’m also scared this phenomenon is going to carry over into more important things that just enjoyment.

Things like work. I don’t want to be motivated to carry on a project only to stop caring part way through. That has already happened to me with being assistant manager of the UBC Hearthstone team. After a bit, I stopped getting information on what was going on, and I also never knew of what I actually had to do. I just felt unneeded as the team still got through their stuff, and no one would bother to catch me up to date. I had also never met any of the people really, so I didn’t have any kind of connection to them. My interest in it waned a lot after the first few weeks, and by now I haven’t said a single thing in the chat for maybe 8 months.

I’m amused.

I started this blog with the idea of wanting to talk about how I always seem to feel unwilling to share more about my life and day with people. I was tired and bored in class, and desperate enough to give mobile WordPress my trust again.

Partway through I started talking about personal thoughts and learning more about what makes me tick.

Well, I guess it still applies. I was thinking about how I can’t find it in myself to talk about my life in a 1 on 1 situation. I also find it difficult to find a reason to talk about my day and the like outside of this blog. Though in person is much better. It’s easier to get comfortable and speak your mind when you can’t see what you’re about to say.

I guess part of it is the perception. The same people I would talk to are the main readers of this blog after all. The other day someone talked to me about my last blog (hi). I’m not sure what it was, but I really couldn’t bring myself to really say anything (type). I don’t remember how I felt exactly, but it was a mix of wanting to not wanting to let others learn more about myself, and something else I can’t put my finger on.

Actually, I really can put my finger on it.

I don’t want people to know about any negative parts about me.

It doesn’t matter if they’re close or not, I always want to project the best self I can possible be.

Talking about my failures, troubles, struggles, and weaknesses doesn’t project the best me I can be.

I know, you have to be willing to discuss these kind of personal things if you want to progress your relationship with people, but it’s hard. I’ve gone over the topic of not caring what others thing of you for so long, and to be fair, I’ve done a good job of doing things I enjoy, regardless of what other people feel. I mean, I write about esports, photography, and a little bit of singing on my CPA office tour applications. Probably not the kind of application that has the highest success rate, but I want to be true to myself.

However, when it comes to things about my life it’s much harder. Thankfully, those kind of topics don’t usually happen often in a school environment. It’s kind of amusing, I probably want to talk about these things to someone, but I try my darnedest to make sure it doesn’t happen. It really doesn’t help that these days I’m more scared of the effects of saying these things than ever before.

I guess I should just apologize beforehand here for basically shutting down all conversation about this. Maybe in the future I’ll be feeling better enough about this to discuss. I can’t imagine how I could ever get a girlfriend like this though. A bit of this is ironic since I do remember wishing I could keep a filter over what I wanted to say so I didn’t always embarrassing myself with the things I’d say. This wish started maybe around grade 8, and finally stopped near grade 11. Maybe a bit of the blame lies in that relationship with Amanda, but that doesn’t mean it takes 5 years to really start to notice.

Something like the last post is something I want to not be posting here anymore. That is the kind of thing the last few paragraphs are talking about. I don’t want to be talking about the negative aspects of my life (in this case, family situation). A lot of them seem to all meld together too, and I quickly get distracted on which one the actual focus is for. When someone first talked to me about that blog, I thought the conversation was going towards a whole other topic I had no interest in participating in. Thankfully, it wasn’t, but that that kind of show what I mean. In my mind I had associated the family issues (or at least the awareness of it) with other things, so it was hard for me to determine what the conversation was even going to be about.

Contradictory, my decision about having blogs like that is to make sure they don’t exist anymore, yet the blog mentions how I should be trying to do that. Especially since talking through a blog feels a lot more safe than typing directly towards a person. A blog feels like I’m talking to a wall. If someone happens to pass by the wall on the other side and hear what I say (in this context it would be reading this blog), then there’s not much I can do about that. However in a text-conversation, there’s so many more questions related to the whole ‘digital’ aspect of the conversation. Are they understanding my words properly? Should I retype that? Did what I type reflect what I wanted to say properly? Are they going to understand the context of the text? Are they paying attention to text? Are they replying back in 15 minutes because they thought about it for a while, or were they doing something else? It’s hard to full communicate these things over text. I guess this is why important things are done in person. I guess the suggestion I should make is to talk in person about things like this. That doesn’t mean it’s going to always work though.

I think I had something else to say, but I’ve forgotten it already. I probably wasn’t going to be able to finish this blog anyway without all of this liquid courage (I’ve learned I’m not a fan of scotch), so I am satisfied just getting to here.

Oh, and if you want related photos to the top image, maybe check out my (new & lacking content) photography blog, since I am planning to make a Battle of BC 2 post. I don’t have any more posts for that one planned, but then again, none of my blog entries are planned.

Time to sleep off this scotch.

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