A FG/O box

It’s been forever since I’ve used my phone to write any meaningful amount of text for a blog, so what am I doing at 12:30am doing what I have avoided for so long?

Good question.

The last time this happened was in 2015. Or too be more specific, December 31, 2014 near midnight in Taiwan.

A sudden burst of inspiration and the looming boredom of a 5 hour wait created a lovely blog post about how I was feeling at that moment. Waiting for the new year, sitting in a strange foreign area, drinking fancy alcohol, and feeling very lonely. WordPress was so impressed, they didn’t upload it, and it removed my local copy. I guess they didn’t want anyone else to explore my emotions.

Amusingly, one of my draft posts on WordPress is my excess use of explicitives about the mobile experience to relive some of the pain.

So what brings me back?

Safety.

And a feeling of home.

I’m not saying that the application is safe from errors, far from it. But because I’ve spent so long on my phone in the recent years, it’s one of my few comfort areas. That sounds a little sad, but it’s true.

I’m not sure what my parents have been doing these days, but it doesn’t seem to be going well. My mother is constantly agitated and on edge. Father is finding random things to distract himself. My mother goes to sleep at 10. Father sleeps at 1am downstairs.

Surprise! They’re cookies.

I’ve known for ages that this house wasn’t ever going to be a safe zone for me. Though there was a few moments last year where I forgot that feeling.

I guess I’ve been finding too many excuses to avoid coming home.

Sitting at the library, driving to random stores, observing people on a bench, staying too long at a friend’s house.

Today (or technically yesterday) I stayed a bit too long at Cindy’s house. I drank too much too fast, when I hadn’t planned on it at all. I tried to do homework and just slept. 

I was relaxed. Too relaxed, I would say.

I am looking forward to becoming fully independent. I may not have cooked meals or have my laundry randomly done sometimes, but I will have the peace of mind that there exists a place that will always be safe and accepting.

This is a bit amusing because last week I finally got some results for the efforts I’ve put into CPA recruit. I felt estatic since I could finally see some sort of tangible reward begin to manifest.

It was motivating.

I wanted to tell my parents but they came home with a incredibly gloom mood.

My mom gave me shit for menial things.

I guess I was used to relieve stress. 

I hope she feels better, since I felt a lot worse.

Maybe that’s why I was so relaxed today. I’m thankfully for the change in page. Drinking a bit was to get some sense of control of my life, even if it was shameful. They call it liquid courage, but all it does is remove your ability to make good judgements. I guess stupidity is just 1 inch away from courage. Maybe if I had some of it some years earlier today wouldn’t be so bad.

But I can’t blame it on that.

I also can’t exactly fix my family situation.

Nor can I fix a lot of things.

I can however spend some more time away. 

Some extra time on the benches. Extra time in the shade. Extra time aimlessly wandering malls. Extra time exploring random Richmond parks. Extra time spent learning photography. Extra time writing blogs.

And maybe some extra time thinking about these stupid thoughts. 

Advertisements