Your Lord & Savior

The title is based off this song.

I’ve had Lukas Graham’s album on my phone for a few months now. I’ve also heard this song so many times, and enjoyed it every time. It reminded me a bit of It’s a Hard Knock Life (I’ve never seen the movie), and the lyrics meant something.

For some reason today was different. While on my drive back from school, the song was the first to be played off my phone. The lyrics seemed to make me think about how it related to my life, and for the first time I really felt something.

I’m not trying to analyze a song or anything in this blog, so I guess this is where I briefly list the rest of the things I hope to hit during this post (in no particular order):

  • LCS Spring Finals
  • Computing Science Minor ???
  • CPA Recruit
  • Death of the private blog
  • Wanting to feel needed
  • Thoughts from the song
  • Alcohol
  • Summer plans?
  • 2017 goals update
  • Why people react negatively to other people’s words
  • Hiking
  • Photography
  • Relaxing
  • Being dependable
  • Sonic
  • Other unrelated thoughts

Yikes. I didn’t think there were that many small things.

Looks like I’m in for a long one again.

Side note, you’ll be seeing a lot of photos from LCS Finals & hiking cause that’s all I got. Maybe I’ll sneak in some Europe ones.

Lukas Graham

Unrelated Europe photo

Let’s start with the song. It’s been a few days since I typed the first part, so bare with me as I fumble around with my thoughts.

I initially had some kind of mental breakthrough when I realized how my impoverished childhood related to the song pretty well. New shoes once a year. Only vacations were to visit friends. Didn’t buy many clothes. I started to relate it to more things about me. Am I frugal about physical products because that’s how I was raised? Even though my family is pretty well off now, I still sort of live like we aren’t. My dad does that too. Save money on small, personal things. Buying news clothes is a waste of time if old ones fit fine. Shoes once a year. I know this is heavily contrasted with how I spend money on things nowadays, but somewhere in the back of my mind I still find myself trying to find ways to save small amounts of money, as if it would become something meaningful elsewhere.

Don’t get me wrong, I do think it is good to be a bit conservative with money, and having reasons for your purchases, but that doesn’t mean I’ll always have them, or if they are good reasons. I do feel like I spend money recklessly when it comes to digital products. Didn’t have any of that growing up so I didn’t have much inhibitions towards it. I’ve always tried to justified it by telling myself that these digital products don’t die from wear and tear. That digital permanent NX costume is going to be on that character for as long as the game exists. It’s not going to rip, shrink, or become outgrown. It’ll stay in the same shape as when I first got it. But I don’t really realize that it’s just bytes of data in some server, and I can’t experience that purchase like I would with something physically present. I wonder if this thought process with change when I start making my own money. It’s a bit embarrassing to still live off of my parents, but to them they just feel it is natural. I guess it’s a cultural thing. The West enjoys the whole individuality and independence stuff, while the East tends to sway towards the whole collectivism stuff.

I have been phasing out of this thought process in recent months. It feels like I spend less and less time on deciding whether to purchase something or not now. For better or for worse.

League of Legends (NA in 2017 LUL)

Vancouver, finally.

Next on the list is NA LCS 2017 Spring Finals.

Wow.

Personally, I didn’t have much expectations for the finals. Understanding that watching an eSport competition is nothing like watching a physical sport. You can’t see the players actually make flashy moves in person, but instead view the game from the digital screens on the top. The real difference between watching the game via the Twitch stream and seeing it in person is the rest of the crowd. Listening and experiencing other people get excited for something makes it easier for you to get excited about it. It’s one of the more interesting parts of large events. Game 1 I wasn’t really excited for. It was a bit awkward trying to cheer on some digital character that a physical person was controlling. Especially when they are wearing headsets filled with white noise to help filter out the crowd sounds. Game 2 wasn’t much better since the game was a stomp. Game 3 and onward though was much better. A competitive game makes all groups of viewers excited, and there’s more cheering, more energy, and a better environment.

Not qtpie, but Haunzter

Sometime inbetween the games we saw imaqtpie in the stands. We tried to go get a photo with him at the stands, but his manager came in and got us to disperse into some area on the side. We were initially so close to him (like 3-4 people away), but after the reorganization of the line, we were like 20+ away. We ended up being like the 2nd person from cut-off, and being that close made the experience feel that much worse for us. We did get an awkward photo with Pheonix1 (who had a nice free key-chain of their logo). Riot posted it to their google drive folder so everyone can see everyones (if they know the password that is).

I wanted to get a TSM one too, but I was on the wrong side.

The event itself was quite fun. There was enough other stuff to do that even if you felt bored of the games itself, there was still always something to occupy your time with. The creative loading screen prop set was great fun, and the long merch store line burned a lot of time. They had some first time showing Yasuo hoodie for like $110 CAD. Crazy. Surprisingly, or unsurprisingly, a lot of people purchased that incredible expensive hoodie. It didn’t even look that high quality! What people do to show their dedication.

Winner’s interview

For game 4 and 5, I ended up taking photos before, during, and after the games to try and get reactions of the players. I’m a bit surprised that they didn’t look that animated when things went their way. I guess when you have to do it everyday, and that it becomes your job, you don’t get that excited about wins or losses. Which is ironically much farther away from the TSM that was at MSI, too afraid to do anything.

Maybe next year, Smoothie.

Sucks that Cloud9 lost in that way, but it was a fun series to attend. I’ll gladly attend any other eSports stuff if it’s in Vancouver.

Summer 2017

CPA Recruit

Completely related. Don’t question it.

For the rest of summer I plan to finish some course(s) and hopefully get a job at some CPA firm as an articling student. It would be great to be given training, pay, and get CPA tuition paid all at once. But CPA recruit just had to change this year, which makes everything hard to plan, since I have a kinda time consuming course for the first 6 weeks or so. But I guess this is also my chance. Because of the new system, some students who would have made it in the old system may be left behind by the changes to dates and job postings and stuff. This creates the chance for random students to take their place. I am definitely the other “random” students, so if I give this some crazy amount of effort, I might just succeed.

Though it’s hard to see myself succeeding in something like this because I can only envision myself failing at networking. It’s hard and weird to enter conversation circles that other people are a part with, and it’s actually difficult to find a company rep who is free to talk to you. I also probably need to rework by business cards and get some new business-casual wardrobe options (SHOES) so it stops being a hassle to wear full formal every time, though I do like wearing the jacket more than the shirt.

WTF a Computer Science minor???

Weirdos.

Good question.

As for what my summer course is, it is CPSC 110.

I’ve mentioned before that I was looking to do a minor in computing science because it was something I was interested in. I was already spending extra time at UBC, so might as well do something I am interested in at UBC. It would be incredibly painful to have to do something stupid like K-Pop Music class for a year while I try to get a job. The course is like 10 hours weekly of lecture, 6 weekly hours of labs, and around 1-2 hours of out-of-class work per day. Which totals up to a crazy over 20 hours of work per week for this one class that is like working at twice the speed.

I don’t know if I’ll be able to actually complete the minor though. It’s almost impossible for me to register for any of the upper level courses since they have either:

  1. Lots of pre-requisites that I don’t have
  2. Restricted to only Comp-Sci major students

It’s kinda tough, especially with my mom’s desperation for me to get some extra sort of certification for my work, or else it would be a “waste of time”. I’m going to have to do some research and planning to think if it is even possible for me to graduate with a minor in comp-sci before next September. So far it’s not looking that great, but I’m not sure what my parents would do if they knew about that. I guess only time will tell.

There’s always that outside option of doing the 2 year 2nd bachelor degree program and it would only be one year extra, but forgetting the fact I am probably too late to sign up for that, I’m almost certain my parents want me to be working by next year September, and not starting my 6th year in higher education. I guess this is just the result of all these years of studying commerce, something I wasn’t that into doing, but am okay with doing. If I do work in this field, I hope I can keep up the ideal of having a job so I can live my life, not living my life so I can have this job.

Those 2017 Goals

The selfie in the corner…

Weight

I realize it’s hard to update anyone on my first goal (linked here) if I myself am not updated on that goal, so I guess I will in a bit. I haven’t actually weighed myself since that blog time. I don’t think I’ve lost any weight, especially since after January/February my diet went back to how it used to, and that the last 4-5 weeks was spent at home and not exercising. Although those 4-5 weeks is probably the shortest time I’ve gone without exercise. Which would be a good start if it didn’t sound so pathetic on it’s own. Someone told me that it would be easier to see progress, and be more motivated if there was no progress, if I weighed myself on a consistent basis. I understand that. What I don’t understand, is how I am going to live through seeing the number result all the time. I’ve avoided the scale for so many years of my life because I never liked seeing the disappointing result. I guess it would some kind of self-defense mechanic to prevent my supposed ego from being hurt. But what more is there to even be hurt? Good question.

So I’m back with a result. Surprisingly I’m down a few pounds. I’ve only started exercising again last Wednesday and just ate probably too much for dinner, so being lower than at the beginning of the year is not bad. I have very low expectations of this, seeing as how many years I had “tried” and got no result. This has given some slight motivation to try to constrain my diet a little more though. How my parents take it though is a different story.

But those 2017 goals weren’t just this one weight loss thing, so lets go through the rest.

Job

Group work

Yikes. Recruiting this season is all over this place this year, so I guess this goal has officially started. Right now I actually have no real plan for this, which isn’t good. I have signed up for a few networking events though. I should try one or two coffee chats to see if I want to actually do more of them (and if I can handle that many). I’ll need to actually think of these damn accomplishment sentences for my resume/cover letter, probably need to redesign my cover letter, actually get feedback and workshop critique on my cover letter/resumes, read & practice interview questions, attend networking events to the point where reason vacates the premise and I just talk to everyone without regard, prepare/redesign business cards (I have no thoughts in mind for this, ugh), find a way to market myself (some kind of value proposition/what can make me stand out vs others), and probably some new dress shoes.

Looking at that, it just seems like an insurmountable mountain of dreadful tasks I need to accomplish before I even have a chance at these large firms. Probably would’ve been a lot easier had I got some sort of work while I was in SFU’s Co-op program, or over the summers. I hadn’t really applied to much the last few years, and this is where I regret it. If I had to give a younger self (at least a year, thanks) some advice, it would be to fucking apply to jobs NOW. Sigh.

Social

For completions sake, this awful thing will see the light of day.

I personally think I’m getting a bit better. I’m definitely not having long conversations with random people in lecture or whatever, but I don’t find the idea of starting/having conversation with a stranger repulsive. I think the best way to describe my current mindset is that if I feel like it, I will do it no problem. It’s better than before, where regardless of how I felt, I wouldn’t want to do it. Today’s a good example of it.

After class today, I went to building 2215 Wesbrook (Center for Brain…something, I only remembered it was building 2215 while I was looking for it) because Brandon needed some volunteers for some photos he was potentially going to use in his research stuff. The meeting was at 11:30, but I got there a bit early (11:10) and just sat around outside enjoying the nice outside. 15 minutes later, Brandon shows up and I follow him into the building where he meets & introduces 2 of the other volunteers. We share a few words of forced conversation while I try to switch myself out of “relaxing by myself in the sun” and into “I have to pretend to enjoy conversing with people now” mode. I wasn’t feeling that into the conversation so I dropped out of it after a bit and just read the descriptions placed all over the building. I wanted to learn more about this building I always passed by but never took the time to fully appreciate. So sooner or later (it was later) the other 2 volunteers arrive, and we’re picked and placed in random places on Brandon’s orders for his photos. It was during the first photo where I realized the person I was sitting beside (Jessica?) was nervous about what to say/act in the situation. It hit me a little bit that I wasn’t the one who was nervous, and in fact I really didn’t think much of it. After I spent a few seconds thinking about that, I tried to start small talk (what are you studying? year?). I say tried because after the 2nd question Brandon was moving us around again for different pairs. It also showed a bit when we moved into the classroom. I never thought “wow I wish I could just say this line I’m thinking right now” or “I wonder if it’s okay to say this” and instead I just said it.

I think that adequately explains where I am in that goal, even if it wasn’t very well defined.

The Midori

Game 5 hype.

It was the better purchase over the Hobonichi.

Have I used it though? Good question.

Recall that I was relaxing outside the Center of Brain… something (Damage? I think that’s what it is, I’m too lazy to check) today. During that 15-20 minute relaxation time, I opened up the journal for the first time in 2.5 months and wrote a few pages. While I’m not surprised it had been a while since I last wrote something in that (considering how it’s easier to write a blog, but I haven’t even wrote a blog in that time), I was surprised how quickly I filled up 5-6 pages with just random thoughts and stuff about the day. I also found it a bit surprising how I secretly (not much of a secret anymore) wished I had ordered the regular version instead. The passport edition felt a bit clumsy to use out in open space, especially with large hands, it becomes difficult to use up the space on the sides. Right then and there, I regretted not going overboard and picking up the normal edition of the new “color” for this year. Amusingly, this is also the blog where I just discussed being frugal. Though, even with a regular edition, I don’t know how much more I would have used it, or how much better the large notebook would have been for me anyways.

Another reference point for my use of the journal was that I almost brought it with me on Victoria Day’s hike. In fact, if I had brought a larger bag, I probably would have. But because the bag I brought was kinda small, I didn’t bring it with me. I also didn’t know if I would have a chance to write in it. It’s not exactly a group activity kind of thing at break points, and it certainly isn’t something I can do while starving for air. But there was a moment on the way down where I had some time to write, and did regret how I didn’t bring it with me. Ah well.

Looking at the lasts of what I was writing today, I realized that Brandon’s appearance cut me off my then-current train of thoughts. Maybe I’ll finish it sometime this week. I do spend a lot of time at school, I can always just relax at some nice bench at school and write a bit more. It’s quite relaxing to just lean back on a bench in nice weather with a gentle breeze. When I was writing, time seemed to move so much faster. I thought it had only been 5-10 minutes when in reality it was double that.

Relaxing

Serenity?

I had passed by the Center of Brain Health so many times on my way to school, but I had never noticed there were benches positioned together with a super small garden walkway. It was a pleasant surprise to find that while I was looking for somewhere to sit and burn time while I waited for 11:30 to come.

I’ve done this kind of thing frequently at UBC the last few months I’ve been on campus. Something about just sitting quietly on a bench with nice weather, small breeze, and surrounding green life just makes time so relaxing. The other places I usually sit is out in that circular meeting area just south of the Forestry building, the benches in-between Koerner and Irving, and the benches just outside Henry Angus/Chemistry Building. After finding today’s new location, I suddenly am very interesting in walking around campus to see if there are more places I would enjoy wasting time at. Hopefully somewhere more secluded, so that when it’s regular school times, it doesn’t become noisy, populated, and dirty very quickly. I’m not even sure what I would do during those times if I didn’t have anything to write in my journal. Maybe I would just listen to music and people watch. Though going to a relatively empty location for people watching is contradictory.

Oh, but I guess I do have some things I could do. Not that the passport version Midori is large enough for it, but I do want to do sketches of things when I’m in an environment like that. Though, I’m pretty sure I can only sketch buildings, trees, and the like. People is too beyond me right now. I’ve never been good at them, so how would 5+ years without practice make me any better than before? On that thought, I haven’t really sketched much. The last time I really remember doing sketches was I think in grade 9-10. I remember finishing a math 9e test/quiz early, and then flipping it over and sketching the back of Kristha and then the front of the classroom. I remember being kinda happy about how it turned out (remember, the back of a person has no face) , and then suddenly had to defend myself from having some sort of feelings for Kristha when Sharon came out of nowhere and started telling Kristha about how I was drawing her, which was very true, but also a bit misleading.

Portrait contest ???

The other time I remember is in grade 10 and in International Studies (the first of many courses with dumb names) and I forgot what I was doing before, but I ended up sketching Aaron (from the left, back side). I don’t remember much else outside of enjoying doing some sketching that I don’t normally do, and then Aaron, Rose, and Gavin saying telling me they were impressed.

I guess I do remember another time, when I was made to try and sketch a copy of some Facebook photo Cindy had. I don’t remember the context, but I remember being frustrated with my inability to draw facial details with any sort of skill. I even remember a few years ago (from that day, which was 5 years ago) I had done multiple practice sketches of eyes, noses, and mouths in preparation for drawing an actual full face. It’s always been a struggle for me to get faces to look normal. Either my eyes look weird for some reason, or their in incorrect places. This even happens for the anime drawings I did back then. Probably those frustrations and how slow I was at everything made me not want to continue doing much art after I stopped going to classes. Photography is probably what my interest in art developed into. Photography has it’s struggles (like cost, knowledge, reliant on weather, and not much freedom to arrange your subjects), but it will always capture what is in front of you, maybe just not in the way you want. You never have to retake that photo because for some reason your subject’s face looks weird because you couldn’t reproduce it right.

On that note…

Photography

My favourite photo from hiking. Glad I took it.

It’s been a full year since I discovered the Google Sites version of a Stanford intro-level digital photography course.

That also means it’s been a full year since I pinned it on my internet browser and proceeded to never watch a single video of it.

Considering I literally just spent $70 dollars on a 128GB SDXC (xddd!!!!) card because my short explanation to JV about RAW vs JPG made me want to shot in RAW, I should be finishing those videos soon. Photography is something great for me to do, since you can do it very well by yourself, and do it even better with people (bounce off ideas and can use each other). There’s also an aspect of social interactions if you try to do candid/street photography. Some people might want you to delete their photo, some might pose for you, others you’ll try to avoid alerting them of your existence because you want a picture of them undisturbed. But the hardest part of photography (for me) is shooting the same subjects over and over and over. Although I have access to a car, and rather large amounts of time, I still only visit the nearby areas for photography. The same park, the same path, the same playground, the same buildings. It’s becomes harder and harder to think of someway to capture the subject in a new way. If I keep taking the same shot from the same angle using the same settings, I’m going to go crazy and not want to take pictures of things again.

Thinking about it some more, I had a lot of fun taking photos during Olson’s photography 11 class, solely because he gave us a kind of broad yet specific topic to go with. Thinking at how to fit the same school environment to meet the different assignment criteria was and interesting way to take photos, and made it harder to always look at the same thing the same way. Maybe that’s what a need, some kind of photography challenge thing. Which reminds me of how much I used to enjoy those “X day challenges” where you make a post/photo/something per day following their set themes. I had an entire blog for those before on Blogger. I don’t remember what the link is called, but I’m sure not sharing it here. God knows what I have posted there.

Phone cameras + dark days = disaster

Anyways, having a plan in mind makes me able to use the same subjects for longer without getting bored. But part of the joy of photography is to be able to capture whatever you want and find the sudden grasp of inspiration of “Oh this could look great!” and then trying to make than ideal image that appeared in my head, appear in the camera through it’s sensors. Being focused on thinking about a certain subject makes it easier for me to miss those things, as my brain is doing something else entirely.

Maybe there’s some sort of good middle-ground theory to take away here. There’s probably photography blogs talking about this. It is kind of like writer’s block, except it’s much easier to inspire a photographer than a writer. At the end of the day though, you need to keep focused when you take photos, so you can always get the best shots possible. That was something I thought I knew, but quickly forgot, as you’ll see/read/head when I get to the hiking part.

Alcoholics Not-so-Anonymous

Fruit juice is close enough to alcohol… right?

First off, I am not part of an AA group, nor am I planning to, nor am I disrespecting people who actually are in an AA group (it’s 2017, I gotta be inclusive). If anything, I respect people who bring themselves into those groups since it shows they understand they have a problem, and are putting in effort to remedy it.

I like a glass of wine to go with a good bit of political correctness and 2017 inclusiveness. What kind? Probably white. Why? I’m not that much of a fan of merlots and the other commonly found red wines my mother parents buy from the liquor store.

Why is this even a topic? Good qu- you’ll just have to wait and see.

I’ve grown accustom to drinking beer in situations where I would have had a glass of juice. Is this a sign of being older? I’ve also started to find more and more often I have a desire to try different kinds of craft beers, wines, liquor, and the rest of them. I keep up with the english translations of a manga called Bartender (which the wiki informs me had ended 6 years ago). Since there are only 21 volumes are the English translation is currently going through the 20th, I guess the amount of time I have left to enjoy the updates is quickly coming to a close. I’ve reread the translated chapters a few times now. The romanticization of alcohol and bars has contributed a lot to my desire to try the mentioned drinks, and experience what a real bar is like. I’m pretty sure both of those experiences will ruin my high-as-the-heavens expectations I’ve developed after reading this series. But still, I want to try them.

However, I am not down to spend 15$ per glass on a drink that probably costs a few dollars in materials. So how am I even going to try these? Get other people to treat me on rare occasions?

Hell naw.

Support

So the last few days I’ve been considering the costs of buying the alcohol myself and then mixing them myself. It probably won’t taste anywhere as good because of the ice, mixing, alcohol, etc, but I wouldn’t be able to tell how good something is on my first try when I’m constantly thinking about the $15 price tag I’m paying for a mix. I might as well take that extra money I’m paying and invest it into a mixing starter kit, and make them myself. Either I’ll find that I enjoy them and save money in the long run (making), or I’ll find that I don’t enjoy them and save money in the long run (not buying). There’s also the extra case where the taste is kinda meh because of my errors but if I can’t tell if I like it or not because of poor skill, how am I going to be able to order these things at random places around the world anyways?

Also I kinda just want to try all the base liquors in the first place. The mixing and stuff really is just second fiddle for my desire to try out more things.

Conveniently a friends birthday was in this month, and as a belated birthday present I could just get them alcohol. A perfect excuse to spend time looking at alcohol and related items prices so I can find out how much this is going to cost me now, versus in the future. Also, if I somehow come to enjoy this, it would be an interesting skill to have. Though if I do this whole tasting and mixing thing as a gift-thingy for them… how am I going to get home? Can’t drink and drive (shouldn’t*), and can’t bus (with peace of mind) holding a bunch of alcohol. This really is a first world problem. Come on BC, bring Uber and other ride-sharing services back. All of the provincial parties did have bringing them back as part of their platform. I can’t wait forever you know!

I guess I could just not do something like this for a present, and just give them some stuff, but it’s such a great coinciding of interests that I might as well. Sorry, girl (I’m not sorry).

Climbing a Bunch of Rocks

Not the peak, but close to it. Also, have I vented about phone panoramas before? God they are mostly garbage. Nice that this one isn’t.

I didn’t have any transition in mind for the other topics, and hiking is a pretty fail-safe topic to awkwardly transition into, so here we are.

Ah, I forgot that I’m running out of storage on the WordPress-hosted site for more photos. Thankfully they’ve updated the storage space, and now we’re at 3GB instead of 1, so I’ll get to upload straight to WordPress for a bit longer. Maybe I should really consider throwing them $36/year to hit 6GB, since I’ve been here for so long. But it feels like a waste when I don’t actually make use of the site that much anyways. Plus, $36 for a 3gb increase is kinda poor… I might as well just self-host the site, not that I would want to download everything so I could host it myself, sigh.

But back to hiking.

Because of the fond memories of last year’s small hike to mystery lake, people seemed to warm up to the idea of another hike this year.

How it went? Well, let’s just say this may no longer be an annual thing.

Exhausted.

We went to the Chief. Located a good 60+ km away from home, it wasn’t the quickest of drives I’ve had. All things considered though, getting there at 9:30am after picking up the last person at 8:20 is pretty good time, especially for someone who maybe slept 5 hours. I’m surprised I didn’t consume any caffeine before leaving.

The drive there was rather… boring. Early morning on the last day of a long weekend (most people had left on the Friday/Saturday) left the traffic quite empty. I have never driven over to North/West Van (why are these even their names? it doesn’t make much sense) so it was a first. I was expecting to drive by a lot of trees, but I didn’t expect to be making turns at 110km (I mean 90 km/h) on a mountain side. I’m slightly glad my fear of heights only really kicks in when I’m at the edge. I wouldn’t want to be like my family friend and be unable to drive after being high up. Not only would that be embarrassing, it would also be bothersome to the 3 people in my car.

It was slightly surprising to see Jack & Jessica (J&J) at the Chief. It wasn’t really surprising that they would be going for it, but it was just the timing that was surprising. I guess most Vancourites think about hiking when it’s a nice day. I don’t need to mention how I think they would make it to all 3 peaks and come back down before us, so let’s move on.

We only went to peak 1.

Almost a complete group picture.

The way up wasn’t so bad. The worst parts would be near the end of the hike, where the game mode suddenly switched to rock climbing, and not hiking. I had a small recollection about reaching the rock climbing part before, and remembered not wanting to go through with it. While it didn’t occur to me at the time, I later felt a little happy that I did something I didn’t do before. A lot of the hike just felt like working out on a bike machine. A lot of leg strength walking up the mountain, and not much actual cardio. Considering how much worse my cardio is, I was all for it.

1st peak.

The scenery at the top of the 1st peak was beautiful. A bit of the joy was removed because of the massive amount of people there with us, but it was tolerable. Being able to see Squamish just over the side of the peak felt kind of surreal. It made me think of video games where the town would be just over the mountain if you climbed over it. Especially for Just Cause 2, where there are so many cities placed beside a mountain range. Beyond that, it was interesting to see how small of a town Squamish really is. My neighbourhood is probably larger than the town itself. It must be difficult for the companies to operate there. Most of their raw materials would have to be purchased from Vancouver, and then delivered to them. I wonder if their prices on basic things like groceries is higher than if I were to buy it at home. Something to look into at another time.

The essentials – Russian roulette cookies

JV asked how much I enjoyed the hike after we came down (which really hurt). I think I said and 8 or 9 out of 10. No, that does not mean the pain of the hike only contributed a -10 to the score. There were just so many things to be mindful of, like the scenery, the peaceful and quiet moments I got to myself, the chance to take photos (of which I botched), opportunity to spend time with friends, doing something I should be doing, and more. I really didn’t factor much of the pain into the score I gave. Partially because I felt like this was something I need to be doing more (exercising), so I felt like I didn’t deserve to dislike it. In reality, it was a fun experience. Not so much because of the actual hike, but because of the other extra things that came paired with the hike. I’m sure that if I were to do it again, it wouldn’t be as enjoyable.

Most of the blurred ones were like this, but worse lighting too.

On the topic of butchering my photos, I shot the entire time at a 1/30 shutter speed with auto ISO and rather high f-stops. Pretty much unintentional beyond the ISO. Something in my mind reassured me that 1/30 was just fast enough to be able to capture photos without there being too motion blur. It’s pretty true. Though only when the subject and me are still. I never thought about how taking quick snapshots would be difficult if my shutter speed remained at a slow 1/30. There were photos that I did check over though, but they were all when the subject & I were stationary, so there was no real risk of blur. It was disappointing to say the least when I came home and saw the photos. There were some more candid shots that I would have loved to keep if they were actually focused. You could barely see what was going on, and who it was. I would show an example, but I’ve deleted most if not all of them. I’m slightly ashamed. Where’s my redemption arc?

Imposter-Tiffany

Here’s an amusing story. On the way down from the 1st peak, I saw what I thought was JV and Tiffany going down the mountain ahead of me. I was a bit surprised by Tiffany’s Kwantlen (KPU) bag, since she doesn’t even go there. I said something like “Wow, you took their orientation bag but you don’t even go there?” and then moved ahead of them. After I get down the segment of rock we were on, I turn around to see how the others were doing. Only to first see that the girl beside JV was definitely not Tiffany, and was a stranger. A w k w a r d. I quickly continued to move ahead, and could only pray she didn’t realize I was talking to her. If she did, I’m sorry, I’m retarded.

Dogs and little kids are better at this than me.

It also felt nice just to have 1 on 1 conversations with people while in a group. Something about a conversation being one-to-one just makes it so much more personal, even if everyone else is still there. I’ve mentioned it in passing, but I was rather happy/impressed with the conversations.

Daring

I was also very happy about the moments of silence I got to myself. Especially on the way down. As I mentioned in the relaxation part above, something about being alone with a nature & a breeze on a nice day just feels right. Serene, even. I had once made a blog (saving you the effort) about wanting to find someone to walk with me. While I was just sitting there on the rock facing the trees, I thought, this is where I would want that someone to be. Someone there to share the joys of the day with (like the scene). Somewhere in my mind, I longed a bit to have someone who would enjoy that moment like I did. Or at least try to understand it. I kind of wanted to just stay there longer. Maybe lie down instead of sitting, and take short break in that warm sun.

Being Dependable

It happened to be my cousin’s b-day a few days ago.

Or as I like to call it, the “cousin criteria”, named after my cousin, duh.

My cousin dumped her most recent boyfriend because she didn’t think he was dependable enough. She felt that if they got married, and then were placed in an unexpected situation, she wouldn’t be able to depend on him to get them out of it.

That kind of resonated with me.

But what is being dependable? Goo- I need to kill this lame joke.

I think of being dependable as having others trust. If something goes unexpectedly, others put their trust in you to be able to resolve it. When it comes to things I don’t like, I have always just toughed them out and moved on. What good does it do to just take the shit you don’t like, and keep going on? I’m not preventing it from coming again, but only dealing with it for now. In a way, being dependable is kind of like that. No matter what dumb thing gets tossed your way, you can’t crack and need to continue doing what you can to move onward.

I don’t think I’m anywhere close to that right now. There are too many things that I would struggle to resolve right now, how could someone else ever depend on me? I’ve got to improve myself so that at least even if I can’t do it right away, I can at least think it through and be able handle it later on.

The Fastest Thing with Blue Spikes

Sonic.

You must have thought that bullet point was a joke, eh? It’s not.

Talking about things I wanted to be, I remembered this supposed quote from Sonic I was told by a friend back in elementary.

Flashback to grade 5, and I had just discovered that I could communicate with others via the computer, and there were these things called websites that had everything that was humanly possible to do! Obviously the next logical step was for me to start using this feature to communicate with others, and have some fun with these websites.

I don’t remember how, but I had Angeline as a friend on MSN messenger (good ol’ days). She was a huge fan of Sonic (yes the blue hedgehog himself), and would constantly tell me things about the character, and show me all the crazy free fansites Sonic fans would have. So of course I ended up making my own free website, and spent a good bit of time writing what are basically blogs onto my website, and then visiting others. Angeline had a bunch of Sonic related websites, but there would always been this quote on her webpages:

Live a life of no regrets. – Sonic

As a 5th grader, that kind of sentence was very awe inspiring. So much so, that I took that mantra and tried to make it my own. I tried to live a life without regrets. Of course, things don’t go that well, and I have plenty of things I regret. But now, 10+ years later, I can appreciate the quote a lot more. There’s not a lot of time in this world, and definitely not enough for me to not do the things I want to do. I also see it as the things I want to do being harder and harder to do as time goes on. After all that time, I might want it a lot more than is healthy for me, but because it’s been so far gone, there’s so much more to lose by trying to get it now. It’s better to steal the initiative and take care of the problems in the here & now, rather than in the there & later.

Things that hurt are called the Truth

Portrait king?

I mentioned that I re-read the translated Bartender chapters a few times now. My most recent comb-over resulted in me noticing something a character said in one of it’s first chapters.

They character had just gone off on another one, prompting the other one to leave. In their regret, they asked the MC if he knew how someone’s words could make someone irrationally upset. People get upset over meaningless words because deep down they believe that it is true. I mean, why else would some drivel spewed out by someone who doesn’t understand the whole picture make you upset? Because somewhere, deep inside, you feel that their accusation is correct. You just don’t want to admit it because it might hurt your ego to know that someone could speak to your weakest aspect just like that. I guess it is also us not wanting to be that easily read. It is a bit frustrating to know that the person who understands me so well isn’t myself.

I’m not sure why I wanted to talk about this, it’s not as if people don’t know this already. I’m really only making the obvious even more.

A Long-overdue Farewell

False peak.

I don’t know long ago it has been, but I used to talk about wanting to have a completely private blog.

I wanted to write without having to hold back details like names, dates, places, and anything else that could let others identify the people I was talking about. My own online diary, that was what I had wanted.

So I went ahead and made it in 2014, and gave it it’s first post on the 1st of 2015.

It’s only been 2 years, but I think I need to let it die now.

Part of it is because of how little I post. I can’t even get 1 post per month out of this one, so how do I have anything to put out for that one? My most recent post on that was in January of this year, which isn’t that long of a drought, but the one before that was in 2015.

Another part of it is because it’s stopped being private. That’s mainly my own fault. I had made my own posts, and then later on I shared it with a few people. I just wanted to answer their questions, and I wasn’t ready to go ahead and type it all to them again. It was the easiest way.

Portrait queen?

But that really broke the whole purpose of the blog – that it was private. It’s a weird feeling. I don’t want other people to know of the things I type, yet somehow I end up betraying that feeling and sharing it anyways. Is it because I just wanted attention? Or did I just want to share my feelings with someone since I didn’t want to keep it all pent up anymore?

Regardless, why am I even talking about all of this? I often complain about people telling others that they have something to tell you, and then not telling you because it’s a secret. If you really wanted to tell me, you would just tell me. Telling me that you can’t tell me is so incredibly frustrating because it piques your interest, and then punishes you for having that interest. Yet that is what I just did. “I have a personal blog and I’m shutting it down, but you can’t see it!” Double standards, contradictory, call it whatever you want. Part of the reason is because it was on my mind, and whatever is on my mind while I am writing a blog just gets included into the blog. Another part of it is that I use my Midori as it’s replacement. What I wanted from a private blog was just a place to bring together my thoughts. I find it hard to do if I’m just sitting there and thinking about it, but writing/typing it makes it much more comprehensible. I mean, being able to literally see the crap you’re writing makes it easy for you to spot out places of inconsistency or things that don’t make sense. I guess the final reason would be…

I want the attention ?.

Fake selfie. It’s like a traditional

That is one of the things I came to today.

My timeline is all messed up because I write these things at different days, and don’t make the necessary edits to put it together, but today I found a nice spot to just sit and relax. It wasn’t the Center for Brain Health, since that was another day, but it was near the Music Building. I spent some time yesterday looking around campus for places where I could relax, and came up with a small list of them. Today was me going through a few of them that were no-good, before settling down by the Music Building. I sat on a nearby bench for a bit before scribbling more thoughts into my Midori (it’s getting used!!! yay!!). Sadly, my sense of time is still pretty bad. I thought I had spent maybe like 15 minutes there, but apparently it was closer to 40. No wonder all those people were leaving, I stayed way too long.

I digress.

Pictured here: not a winner, a winner.

I was writing about a lot of random stuff, and then somehow it hit me that a lot of the things I have been doing was basically attention seeking. I paused. I don’t think that well of all the people on Facebook constantly exaggerating the little problems in their day-to-day life, as it is easily seen as a cry for attention, a desire for sympathy. Yet I just caught myself doing similar things, although on a much lesser scale. I don’t remember the exact wording I used, but I remember writing something like, “I have been thinking of them way too much the last few days… why?” Which lead to “I wanted to talk to them” -> “I wanted their attention?”  Am I just feeling lonely? Looking for companionship? Going through a small “phase”? Was the hike so peaceful that it overloaded me? Should I be getting more than 4-5 hours of sleep?

I’m not sure.

I’ll come back to this thought in some later time, and hopefully with some more time, information, and sleep, I’ll have a clearer answer.

Miscellaneous Section

Ya boi is busy.

For this, I’m really just scrolling down Google Keep on my phone to look at the random notes I add from time to time.

Apparently, I had a blog idea where I would talk about who I feel comfortable talking to across a wide range of topics, and then try to explain my reasoning for that. For ones where I didn’t have a good reason, I would get a chance to delve deeper in why that was the case, and hopefully come up with something new.

Another one here is “my worst characteristic”, which could potentially be challenging since there are many things I don’t like about myself.

Something about political correctness and accepted racism, something about saying “Sorry”, something about books and personality, lots of reminders that I owe people money, some telephone numbers and addresses that I don’t remember, and other stuff that aren’t interesting.

Oh, here’s something that I’ve thought about a few times. I wonder what kind of impact my death/disappearance would have on others. I’m not saying this with any intentions of it, but it was just a curious thought. Would there be any changes in peoples attitudes towards me? What would the funeral be like? Am I going to heavily impact anyone’s life? I guess this question came as an extension to the thought of whether or not I have made a lasting impact on someone/something. For more information, please refer to the one-too-many anime/manga/show/movies that have a character talking about making some sort of lasting impact on history/humanity/others/etc.

I would like to expand my vocabulary and sentence structure. It is easy to notice the amount of times my sentences start with “I/My”, a transition, or “He/She/They”. Sigh. I guess it makes my stuff easier to read, but it doesn’t feel fun typing OVER 9000 (I typed a bit more to make this stupid joke) of the same words but in a different order. I’ll look around at the other blogs I follow and hopefully get some inspiration for varied sentences.

Wow, I just got a reply e-mail on something kinda important. The offer I ‘drafted’ (typing things into pre-formatted documents, huzzah) for my parents was accepted! Although the other agent seems to not really care about it since it is a back-up offer, and I understand. But oh my god, this is the first time I’ve really interacted with other agents, but this guy does not give a crap about doing things by the book. Acknowledging my  Disclosure of Interest in Renumeration form? Nope. Changing dates as a counter offer but then not changing the most important date of extending the offer? That’s actually a bit shameful. When I told him to just send me an updated copy later, he said “No, it’s correct”. I mean dude, it’s an expired offer if it goes over, and you can’t legally present a counter-offer for that. I’ve asked my managing broker, and I have confirmed that I need to re-draft one and get my parents to sign again.

The guy probably just didn’t want to bother his client to get them to sign the extra change of the offer date, and now he’s gonna have to get them to do more signing. I do feel a little bad, but come on! You can’t just forget the most important part like extending the offer date when you propose a change… Sigh.

I’ll probably be sending him another contract today with all the updated information they had. It’s a little annoying since their first offer has probably gone through already, but I gotta do it by the book. How else am I going to get proper experience?

Journey

Anyways, this post is already long enough. It’s more than double the length of my EE, but quantity doesn’t imply quality, as my EE could attest to. And   guess Patton could too. It also has probably the most photos out of all my posts, and probably the most effort I’ve put into choosing them, not that I put much in to begin with. I’m going to end it the same way I started it, with a song. I’d link a jazz one, but I’m still figuring all that stuff out.

We will see whose will is stronger!

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