So Olson left sometime yesterday.

I assume it was sometime in the afternoon, but that might because none of us got to know until the afternoon.

I can’t believe I heard of it from the UBC eSport’s chat. The chat that I have on mute because it’s 99% just memes and nonsense. While I love me some nice memes, I don’t like my phone vibrating the entire day because of it. I mean, how else am I going to play my phone games? Definitely not with the vibrations from that chat.

Which reminds me, Fire Emblem Heroes drops today (Feb 1st) in the afternoon. I’m so excited. I can only imagine how disappointed I’m going to be when the release is delayed for a few hours.

Hopefully I don’t play on my drive back home… Since I do have accounting homework to do and all.

I should be sleeping right now, but there’s something I probably need to say. Partially for completion (i.e. the previous post), and partially just for me.

I guess I’ll start off with my journal.

I haven’t exactly been doing daily entries, or weekly ones really. Which I guess is good in it of itself. I never had adhered to any schedule for blogs, so it shouldn’t be any different for the journal. It’s always in my bag, regardless what bag I’m using, or where I’m going. I mean, I brought it with me to swimming… which is probably the last place where pen and paper should be (if you have any respect for the paper). I’ve been getting a little tired of the orange ink (see: this) I’ve been using this school year. I think I should rotate out for some other colour, but washing pens are a pain (10 minutes max), and my TWSBI suddenly doesn’t feel as amazing as it was when I first bought it. The VP is still great. Maybe I need some different nibs, so then I can use the Italix on a more regular basis.

The first post I wrote in my travelor’s notebook (do I call it a notebook or a journal or a dairy or a… something else?) was about visiting Olson. The last post I made (yesterday, technically) was about Olson. I guess it’s fitting that my first real attempt at a journal (????) is about him, since my first real blog was because he made us do it.

In my update (in the notebook) I mention that I kinda regret not sending him my previous post. He did say he would read them if we sent it to him, so I probably should of. But I guess I was a little afraid of how he’d feel reading the first half of that blog, since it doesn’t reflect the best image of him. Even though he said we were old enough for the truth (and by all accounts, he is too), I still wasn’t ready to give him that truth, I guess. I could still send it in now, but that doesn’t leave the same kind of effect. Maybe it’s because I’m comparing it to the effect it could’ve had if he was alive to read it. The difference is so much that it probably makes sending it in now seem small.

But because it is small, it makes me remember that things change quickly.

It’s never about later, it’s all about now.

Maybe I’ll send it, who knows. There’s not much of a deadline now, anyways.

Next is the scholarship group.

Not sure how that’s going to work out, but with Kevin Dhir in charge, there’s the assurance it won’t just shrivel up and die.

Maybe I’m just too pessimistic, but I feel that the project got a lot grander in scale after yesterday. While I’m all for grand things, it seems a bit improbable, maybe bordering fantastical. I guess funding isn’t as out-there as it initially seems, because of the number of people who loved Olson, but I hate the idea of asking for donations. In my opinion, if there’s something that needs funding to be done, and the owner is passionate about it – they should fund it. Yes, yes, investors are a thing, but they get ownership of ideas, they don’t just leave scoot-free. I guess Kickstarter kinda deals with that with their promise of a product, but that is literally just pre-ordering a product that you actually have no real idea about.

I guess I’m just not a fan of asking for financial aide.

Which is ironic, considering my entire life has been funded by someone other than me.

Finally, it’s myself.

Kevin Dhir was very obviously upset about Olson’s passing.

There are many grieving friends posting pictures, stories, and kind messages on his Facebook Wall.

But me?

I’m not sure.

To me, it’s still just a small, outside event. I’m nowhere near as close as Dhir, or Olson’s friends are. I don’t exactly recall being incredibly inspired by him. I’ve gone over most of it in my previous post, but I’m still here wondering how I am supposed to feel.

I guess that’s a weird question, since asking how I am supposed to feel implies that I have no feelings towards the situation now, and am just looking for the ‘proper’ response to cover that up. Which I guess is kinda true.

Or is that enough? Not knowing what to feel implies there’s some sort of difficulty in choosing what feeling to have. So there’s two (at least) equal competing feelings that I should be feeling. Which I guess makes me feel a bit better about it, since there’s another emotion out that that is equally as strong as my desire to not care.

Yeah, that’s enough thinking for me. I need to wake up in 5 hours and safely drive to school.

What a frightening thought.