regrets

Regrettable photos.

The photos for this post are scarcely related. Don’t think about it too hard.

I’m incredibly tired right now.

It’s 110% my fault, since I did end up sleeping at 5:40am while trying to wake up at 8. I wondered if I could do it before I went to bed. I believed that I could.

I couldn’t.

It just wasn’t in my life’s plans. It didn’t want to wake up at 8 with 2 hours of sleep. Instead it woke me at 9:40 (after I turned off my 8am cell phone alarm, thinking my actual 8:30 alarm would help – it didn’t), where I rushed out and drove to badminton.

I’m surprised I was capable of driving well, I was pretty tired. I really did feel like I was going to hit someone.

Badminton finished and we went from lunch at Matsuyama. I’ve passed by it many times, but never entered it, so today was a first.

It wasn’t too bad, although I did think it was a bit pricy for the amount of food. But the loonie has been tanking pretty hard, so I can’t really fault price increases. I mean digital game currencies have increased in price due to the weak loonie. It’s not surprising that everything else is too.

Everything's connected together.

Everything connects to form the forward trotting path.

Then we met up with Stephanie’s group. Or we should have. I didn’t realize there was a text 15 minutes before the meeting time that said essentially said: ‘go on without us’. So we went to go play DDR and some other miscellaneous stuff like discovering how to unlock the next 2 difficulty levels on taiko for the price of $2 dollars. DDR wasn’t bad. I guess I’m getting used to playing it, since I’m not failing every song anymore, only some. Eventually Stephanie & co. arrived. In tow with main couple of Tiffany and Julia, with Stephanie (ironically the person I used as the group head) as the mistress. Julia was nice. Seemed to mesh well with the group… maybe? I’m not too sure, I didn’t pay much attention to that. It just didn’t seem weird, and there was interaction between people so hey, that’s good enough for me.

I started feeling a little headache a bit afterwards. Tiffany and Allen played their DDR stuff, and I got corrected about the relative skill level. I always thought the former was better than the latter. Shrug. Details, details.

After more loud music, we moved over to billiards pool. I kind of wish I was better at this. I mean it’s obvious I’m not as good as I’d like to be since I don’t play it often, but it’s something that I would enjoy doing more of. I could join the billiards club at UBC, but they play weekly, and I don’t know if I want to do a weekly thing. Maybe semi-weekly, or just during break-time at school. I guess Sauder has a pool table, but I never have someone to play with there. Also it’s kind of awkward, I don’t exactly want to play pool in the lounge, it just feels strange.

An hour came up and we paid (or DT did, to be specific) and left – sort of. More DDR, some Izumiya, regretful photos, and then the normal difficulty in deciding where to go eat. Nothing strange about that. Julia preferred Korean food, so as the guest of honor, we tried (keyword) to accommodate her request. House of Tofu – permanently closed. I guess it just wasn’t very profitable, although my mom does think they’re not very good, so maybe it was that instead. Other places were: expensive, small, busy, far, not open, not preferred. Back to Tiff’s place became the new plan. There was a side story of her canceling the request to work today because she was busy… with us. Only to end up showing up again. I thought it was a bit strange, and am kind of against it because it’s weird, but we went anyways. Only to find out it was similar to the other places – busy. After not having any other choices, we went to number 9.

That waitress gave me the death stare when we left there. My bad? I only said ‘happy new year’. Maybe it was my tone, I really wasn’t paying attention. I just tried to be cheerful. Keyword here: tried. Oh well, I did think our tip was a bit small for being on Chinese New Year, but basically everyone thought it was okay, so whatever. Anyways, I tried to be cheerful. I’ve noticed that during long outings (over 5 hours) I just can’t keep up this image/persona of being engaging. I’m actually so mentally drained it’s ridiculous. I just can’t be super excited about things, I can’t be willing to do things, and I can’t be expressive at all. It’s not that I don’t like being quiet and just an observer, but the difference is pretty noticeable, and I get some comments. Usually it’s just Tiffany asking if I’m okay, to which I reply in a slightly surprised tone that ‘what? I’m fine, just a bit tired’. I’m not lying or anything, so don’t get on my case too much, okay? I’m just tired.

IMG_1477

Am I pretending? Hiding who I am?

I’m definitely not an extroverted person. My father is definitely not an extroverted person either. My mom is, my dad is the restraint that makes sure she doesn’t go too crazy – it’s a nice balance. It’s not like my dad can’t be an engaging and outgoing person, and that my mom can’t be quiet and observant (rare), but that’s not the norm for either of them. My father can be very engaging and expressive with his co-workers and friends, but with strangers maybe not, unless the situation calls for it. Since I’m their child, it’s not a surprise that I can see similar traits between us. Not that these traits are anything rare or anything, but I’m just noting it down. But yeah, it is really tiring trying to be more outgoing. Maybe I should restrain it more. Or only hang out for 4-5 hours in a day. Though it’s not that being more withdrawn distracts from enjoyment or anything, I just find more joy in other things.

Like today, I was way too tired after dinner. I moved around a bit for badminton (I didn’t feel too tired) in the morning, walked to Alexandra Road to go get food, and walked around Lansdowne a bit before playing games that kills my leg & arm strength (holding that bar is hard). Then there was pool, and more games again. Most of which was in a pretty loud and information intensive area. Even if I’m not doing something, there’s just so many sounds, sights, and people to have to identify and process – my head just gets tired. So during dinner I was already pretty tired. I’m not sure if it was too evident, because I tried to just relax and calm down, and then use whatever energy I had to reply to people. But meh. I’m just tired.

Going to ‘The Bubble Tea Shop’ was when I was actually too tired. I bought a drink, to help build the image that the 7-person group we had belonged there. There was a surprisingly large amount of people at this bubble tea store for a small place below Superstore at 8pm on a Monday night (okay, I guess it was a statutory holiday, but still). But I was so tired. My head still hurts, and it sure was hurting then. I don’t think I pretended or acted like I wasn’t tired. It just felt normal for me. We went to Superstore, and I think that’s when I really went into the more withdrawn me (this sentence is pretty bad, oh well). I did some solo wandering, which I kind of like to do. I’m not sure what I’m trying to get at here, but part of the reason why I was so out of it was because I just had to ask myself “Why am I at Superstore on a stat holiday past 9pm on a Monday? What is the purpose here?” Oh well. Walked around, and then left afterwards.

Seeing the exit.

Seeing the exit.

I don’t think I have to act out a certain side of me when I’m with more close/familiar friends. I really do feel like I have to act out a personality when I’m with strangers/group members though. It’s really hard to just “be natural” in an unnatural situation. On Saturday, I met up with Acky & Angel (who I met literally 0 times prior) for cost accounting, and even though I’ve talked to Acky for a bit too long, it still felt like I was forced to adopt a personality of mine that wasn’t what I normally am.

I guess part of this is just growing up and having to be an “adult” and acting mature. Being able to adapt yourself to different situations and continue to work towards whatever the goal is. If the goal is for group-work, maybe adopting a more leader-like personality or more caring personality would be more helpful than what I normally am. It doesn’t feel fake, as that is a part of me, but it sure does feel tiring having to do it often. It also becomes a problem when you get used to these people you change your personality for. Thinking back on my BUS202 project at SFU, they commented that my ‘leadership’ and ‘communications’ decreased a lot over time. I guess I just got used to everyone (since part of the group project was to bond well with your group) and didn’t feel a need to adopt a personality that isn’t usually me. But for them, my usual personality became an outlier when compared to my initial self-portrayal, and it made them feel strange. I guess I have to keep up a certain image with school/work groups. Maybe that’s why the saying of separating work from personal matters is popular.

I got home and talked a bit on the Skype-replacement known as Discord. It’s pretty meme-heavy, so maybe not everyone’s cup of tea. I still feel like I have problems trying to find the correct angle when talking about serious things. Words can be misunderstood so easily, regardless if it’s spoken or not. Even the non-verbal aspects of communication can’t solve miscommunication that easily. I always feel like I need to clarify my context, the angle of which I’m approaching the topic, what my topic is, and what it’s not. Doing all of that and more might be helpful and stuff, but then it becomes overly complex and annoying for both me and the other party. Oh well. I was just in a talking kind of mood when I got back, even though this entire blog post was about being tired from interacting with others. There was just some itch for talking that I didn’t scratch. Maybe I’m catching Stephanie’s ‘lets talk about our feelings!’ syndrome. I heard it was pretty lethal. Hopefully it’ll pass me by. On the topic of Stephanie, she’s playing Batman again, I thought she finished that game with Julia. I guess not.

Maybe all of this is stuff is just the rough welcome into adulthood.

Then again, adulthood is just trying to do things the way society says you should do it, even if you have absolutely zero clue what you’re supposed to do.

Maybe I’ll get better at this whole “adult” thing.

It can’t be that bad, most people seem to get through it.

Though, that is 100% not a challenge. I’m happy with whatever difficulty setting I am playing on currently.

Anything more and this game would be too hard to enjoy.

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