It was Canada’s Thanksgiving (since the American’s in the south celebrate it next month, weirdos) on Monday.

This meant I got a long weekend! Yay!

I also didn’t have class on Tuesday because it was cancelled. The Midterm is tomorrow, so class is off for people to study.

‘Study’.

And that’s exactly what I’ve been doing. ‘Studying’.

AKA: Not studying.

I spent the weekend pretty much doing nothing. Well, I procrastinated, so I guess it meant I did do something. Nothing of value though.

The last week or so has made me felt pretty… underwhelming? Unmotivated?

When things all went downhill at the beginning of the month, I really tried hard to use it as motivation to try harder. Then right after my promise to myself, stuff got worse, and I suddenly forgot I even had those thoughts.

One of those problems got resolved. Sort of. It did take a depressing conversation/argument that spanned several days. It definitely was the worse thing. I’m kind of glad it’s over with, but there’s there always is that feeling that it’s never truly gone.

Another ‘problem’, if I could even call it that, is kind of resolved. I didn’t suffer as long as I had originally thought, and ended up using most of my time thinking about the former issue. The fact that I really never dealt with it weighed on my mind for some time. I didn’t exactly like how it affected my mood. The change was sort of easy to see (at least I think), as friends were able to tell. By ‘tell’ I mean I got a lot of ‘Are you okay?’s and ‘Do you want to talk about it?’s as well. I answered ‘Yes’ to the first one. It’s pretty easy to say now. While a large part is just me not wanting to share for a variety of reasons, there’s another part of it just not feeling important enough.

It never felt like I had enough to say about it.

Was there even anything concrete to say?

I tried to think of it in my head before, and found it very hard to phrase. I could simplify the problem into a few words of ‘family issues’, which made it really easy to answer with, but at the same time it further made me feel as if it wasn’t important. I guess the idea of having something be hard to explain is what makes something feel a lot more serious. That’s something I hadn’t thought about before.

As I never said much about it, other people seemed to think that most of my issue stemmed from the 2nd problem (at least I think?). While I personally didn’t feel like it, it felt kind of bad when that’s what people thought you were suffering from. It kind of almost made the 2nd problem a lot worse than it already was. Especially since I wasn’t thinking about it for much of the time anyways. I’ve only really spent some time thinking about it the last few days.

The last month and a half saw me not being too interested in playing games. My main addiction and procrastination activity seemed to disappear on me. I guess it came at a bad time as the beginning of a school year is where you had to do many introductions. I felt I had nothing really to identify myself with. No real hobbies, no real activities, no real differences. But guess what, I am suddenly super interested in playing fighting games (Smash, SF4, etc) right now. Comes at a pretty shitty time where my midterm is literally tomorrow and I actually haven’t studied for it at all.

Welp.

I had just spent the last 3 hours trying to write a report brief about Fort Nelson First Nations (northeast BC) for my writing course. Realistically, this should have been done on Saturday. But I waited until Tuesday. ‘I’ve got time.’ ‘There’s something else I want to do.’ ‘It’s easy.’

I’m back to my old habits.

I guess they really die hard.

I don’t know. I’ve spent some time just thinking about what the hell is wrong with me right now. I can always think of short comings, possible causes/reasons, and how to improve them. I understand I don’t always go through with my plans of improvement, but being able to identify my weaknesses can make it easier for me to do stuff, right?

I’m starting to think that it’s wrong. I’ve spent so much time noticing things about myself and trying to improve them (caveat of ‘not always’), but I don’t feel like it has done anything. Most of the time my improvement is very little (I realize there are areas that I’ve changed a lot in, but that’s the exception, not the norm), and those problems persist. But then what’s the point of noticing them? What does it do for me? It just makes me realize all the things I can’t do, so I don’t try them. It ends up limiting what I do.

What’s the point of me knowing these things if I don’t do much about it? What’s the value of knowledge if it can’t ever be applied?

That’s been on my mind lately.

As dumb as it sounds, that has really been bothering me. I can’t feel too motivated to do much.

Other than Smash, really.

I don’t want to lose to down-B ever again. Shit makes me so mad.

Mad enough that I forget everything else.

That’s kind of nice.

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