I’ve spent a lot of the last few years (maybe like 5 years now, shit I’m old) thinking about parts I didn’t like about myself, and what I wanted to become more like in order to shore up those ‘weaknesses’. I’ve tried to become more outgoing with things, taking more risks, being more considerate, being more flexible, understanding other perspectives better, handling stressful situations, thinking about things clearer, being patient, and a lot of other things.

Sometimes the best motivation for me were the awful feelings I felt from someone’s comment about me.

Sometimes you just don’t care about others’ feelings.

I don’t want to hear how I could resolve my issue! I just wanted to vent my frustrations!

You’re so annoying. When I say it’s private, it’s private.

I like to think that those comments are made by people who are being ironic, and causes it to lose all value.

But that’s just what I like to think.

Even though that last quote (PARAPHRASED OKAY) came from someone who spent a lot of time doing the same thing to me. Double standards.

First – myself

I like to think that I’ve improved in those areas that I once identified as weaknesses, or things I didn’t like about myself. Whether or not those areas are good enough to no longer bother me, is a separate question.

I remember a few months ago (maybe it was a year ago now) I used to wonder if I had changed or not. And was it the better choice to take, regardless if I changed or I didn’t. Right now, I feel like I’ve changed. I’m definitely not the same person I was in grade 10. I sure as hell would not have said those embarrassing things to Amanda in 11th. I wouldn’t have ran away in 8th. I wouldn’t end up in that awkward English project situation with Daniel Au either.

But did I change for the better?

The last few days made me spend a lot of time (every bus ride man! That’s like at least 6+ hours!) on how I’ve changed, and if it was beneficial or not for me.

I think I’ve become a lot more… analytical about things. Calculated may be a better word, but neither of them fits well. My best description would be when my mother once asked me whether I thought I was a ‘thinking’ person or an ’emotional’ person, with respect to decision making. To clarify, it’s asking whether I make decisions primarily based off of my emotions, or did I spend time thinking about the pros/cons of each option making decisions off of that cost-benefit analysis.

Did I think with my heart or my brain?

I couldn’t choose then. I remember making countless dumb and financially unsound decisions just because I felt like it. Like walking down Granville street and just being like ‘Hey, I want to buy this thing today!’ and then buying it. Some of those purchases were of NX, and that is something I do strongly regret. But in the moment, I just wanted it and junked any kind of rationale behind it. I also remembered spending lots of time trying to weigh the pros/cons of making a certain decision as well. I don’t have a pretty example for that one though.

Now I think I have fully integrated myself into the latter of my question.

I do spend time trying to make a pseudo-cost-benefit analysis of things.

‘Would I rather spend my hour listening to an info session or going home?’ ‘What is important about the info session I can’t find out at home?’ ‘But I can also meet people at the session and connect with others.’ ‘Which one do I value more?’ ‘Which one is better for my future?’

I asked myself those just a few days ago when trying to think of what I should do on Tuesday as there was a CPA info session.

But the events of the last few days has made me think that I’ve changed for the worse.

I think I could’ve gotten much farther by just doing the things that I think were right. Spending time to think about the correct decision would take too long. The moment would expire, and I would regret it. Thoughts of ‘Oh, should I really be doing this?’ ‘What if I’m wrong here, what will happen after? What do I say in response?’ would appear, and when they would disappear the chance was gone. Those occurrences were the worst. I just felt awful, replaying those scenes again and again in my mind. ‘If I did this, would things be different?’ ‘Would I be hurt in this way still, or another?’ ‘What would happen to this relationship if I had done this instead?’

I guess it’s just a live and learn thing though. It’s not that I should try to change back and become more of a ‘think with your heart’ kind of person, but I should be able to choose when to make decisions with what system. Sometimes a more slow and methodical process works better, but other times an instant, passionate decision would be better. Another time to work on.

Now – my friends?

I got asked to write about my friends. Specifically, what I think they could improve on.

I feel that it’s in bad taste to criticize others for things, when I haven’t spent any time trying to think about it. Trying to find out if it is actually something I think (important!) they could improve on. That was my implicit way of saying: “ONLY MY OPINIONS. I AM LIKELY NOT CONSIDERING THINGS ABOUT THEIR CHARACTER THAT I DON’T KNOW/REMEMBER AND THAT THESE ARE VERY WELL WRONG. PLZ NO HURTERINO OVER OPINIONERINO.”

Thanks.

First off, everyone’s just going to be a capital letter in the alphabet. Fun! I’ve always wanted to be known as ‘V’ (I have not).

Well, for A, I think they could be a lot more decisive with what they do. It sounds really weird, because I haven’t thought of a good way to really explain it. I’m kind of on the spot here. I’m trying to say how sometimes they are very quiet/shy/secretive about how they do things. I think it’s because they worry over how others will see them, especially their close friends, but who cares! If they’re your close friends, I am almost guaranteed to believe that they’ll be okay/not care about what you do. That’s why they’re your close friends! They just accept it as you, and move on. I mean they already know enough dirt about you to make a good enough guess, why do you need to hide it? It just makes it worse when they do find out that you’ve been trying to hide it. Dummy.

For B, I think they could really, really, really, do with some reality. They are kind of naive about a lot of the world and how people do things. Sometimes I’m actually quite shocked at how cliche their thinking is. Yes, people have sinister thoughts. Yes, people act on them! And yes, people do things you would not believe could happen (not in a good way)! I also think they may want to try having a ‘problem-solving mindset’ rather than a ‘problem-worrying mindset’. The difference being that one makes you look at how to fix it, and the other only looks at how it is bad. Though, it is very much their character, and it could really change who they are. So it’s fine.

Now… C! I don’t have much to say about them. I think they’re fine as they are. I mean a lot of other people sure think so. At best, maybe they be a bit more open about things. It feels kind of bad when they’re suffering, but they don’t show it at all – at least to me. Though, I think I am super duper guilty of that as well. Can I consider masking sadness/pain as a skill? It sure helps me to pretend that nothing is wrong to people. Especially when it’s to people who (in)directly caused those feelings.

D now? Dunno who I should even choose for this, give me a sec. Ah. I think D could do well with trying to be more open. So many times I feel like they’ve tried to say something, but they quickly take it back and pretend it’s nothing. Something, something emotional support. Yup. That’s all I got really.

E….. uh. They’re too dense. Maybe that’s just a personal opinion, but man is it easy for them to not notice anything. Then they complain that I’m too vague with my wording! Great, great, great. Uh, other than that I don’t think there’s much. Maybe for them to be a bit more social? Sometimes it’s really hard to talk to them because they give off the image of someone who won’t reply/don’t care. Maybe even a mean message like ‘why does it matter’. Ouch. Yeah. I’m not really in the mood (so tired!) to think about it more, but I’m pretty sure I had something else here.

F! I don’t know if they just need some time alone, or they need less time alone. I really feel for them as much as I can, even if they’re going through something I’m not going through. Sometimes I’m really thankful for the things they say. Just the ‘thanks’ at the end is really great. But when the situation is reversed, I don’t know how much my words can really help them. In fact, I’m not sure how many times I’ve properly thanked them for their help. Makes me feel bad. I do think they could do a lot better by just being more confident in who they are. I think sometimes they don’t like how they act/who they are because of some of the things they think they can’t do. But I think otherwise. I have utmost faith (#faith) they could do all those things and more, but they don’t believe that they can. I’m not sure if there’s anything I can do to even assist in that, but I do think it’s a case of self-defeating thoughts for them.

Is it G now? I think what they are worried about is a really minor thing. Honestly. It’s not that they’re lacking it, but it’s that their not noticing it! Whether they like or not is a different story, but it sure as hell as there. I’m sometimes a little jealous over how some people say that their personality is attractive or ‘date-able’. At other times, I’m glad I’m myself.

H is up next. I’m stretching here, but god this guy needs to tone it down! I don’t mind at all if you have a different way of thinking compared to other people, but geez, if you know it’s going to be offensive to someone, you sure as hell have a responsibility to not say it! I do not find having to defuse situations a fun past-time, nor do I think you actually enjoy the hate you get yourself into when you say these things. In fact, if you could just like take 15 seconds to edit your statements to reduce how much reader resistance they’ll have, god your life would be so much easier. Please! Thanks.

I. I haven’t talked to them in a while, honestly. I only really started to see them again after transferring over to UBC. They’re still much the same person. Albeit, maybe a bit more sociable. However, that could largely be due to a change in me, and not so much them. I was really surprised that they encountered academic difficulty at UBC, and by extension IB. To me, they were really someone who could not have flaws – at least academically. I just assumed they would understand and solve the problems they faced. I now know that I’ve just been putting them on a pedestal and observing them from a wrong view. I still wish the best for them. It feels like they’ve been weighted down by something, and I’m not close enough to them to really ask why. I mean, I could ask, and just get ‘Hm? I’m fine.’ as an answer. Ahhh, I wish they were a bit more talkative. It would be nice to learn more about them, I never really used my previous opportunities to do that. My last one was like 4 years ago now, and I during it I felt like I got a lot closer to them, only to basically never interact with them again for 4 years. Great!

Yeah. I think I’m down now. I did something like this before, so I’m really out of ideas or things that I want to talk about.

Expect for the personal stuff, I think I could go on about that more. Just not today.

Maybe tomorrow.

Maybe never.

Who knows? Maybe that should be something I could work on.

Planning things better.

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