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No words spoken.

Wow.

Last night, I felt pained, and forced myself to make a post focused on channeling my energy away from the pain and towards self-improvement.

Honestly, it worked out really well. I didn’t think that it would have helped me so much.

Of course it wasn’t a perfectly smooth transition. It was hard to take in, and it caused me to have trouble sleeping (I ended up sleeping 2-3 hours instead), but I made it out pretty good. It’s still only been a day, so it will hopefully get better over time.

But today was so much worse.

Yesterday was being kicked when I was down.

Today was being beat up when unconscious.

I don’t know right now.

Yesterday I observed how much of a low this is right now, with all these problems.

When I was having trouble sleeping last night, I tried to google some possible solutions. One of them was to envision a safe place. It would take my mind off things, as they’re focused on imagining this safe place.

I couldn’t imagine anything. That felt even worse.

So when I woke up today, I spent some of the bus time trying to think of a safe place. Somewhere that I would feel comfortable when I’m at this low point.

Parks? School? Libraries? With people? Home?

I thought about Home a lot. Hindsight, I think a quiet park area with trees/shade would be somewhere safe and peaceful.

But back to Home.

It’s not exactly a safe place right now. When I did get home from school, it didn’t feel any safer. It felt worse. I felt strange in this area. Nothing really felt right. Looking at my computer felt off, trying to read textbooks felt off, and lying on the couch felt off. I don’t know.

I ended up resting on the bed for a few hours. Helped to make up that lack of sleep.

Then my mom came home. I thought both parents came home, but apparently it was just her.

The first thing was that she wouldn’t reply to what I said. ‘Hi’ goes unanswered. ‘I’m going to be back late tomorrow’ goes unanswered.

So I left to go back to my room.

That room suddenly felt unsafe. Unhappy. Sad. I ignored it, and tried to finish my research on BDO LLP.

Then dinner came.

Then it started.

I don’t ever want you to talk to me like that again.

W-what? What do you me-

He may sympathize with you, but I don’t care.

My heart is dead. Cold hearted.

If this is about Tuesday then that’s not what I m-

You’re cleaning up today.

End.

Someone grabbed a tissue, and wiped their eyes. It wasn’t me.

Ate in silence.

Two chairs, two people, two bowls.

No sound.

I didn’t really know what to think. Does she think the icebreaker thing is literally just me going to play games for 5 hours? Does she still not know what I mean? I’m not saying you’re all annoying, you’re pressuring me very hard, and that I hate you. I only wanted you to trust that I can make decisions on how to spend my time. Have the last two terms not been enough? Are you still expecting A’s? Job offers from the best company’s to come flying at me?

Yesterday, I wondered if I would cry from the pain. It was the most important question I had.

Will I cry from this? When?

Someone else grabbed a tissue and wiped their eyes. Once. Twice. Three times.

This sorrow really overwhelmed much of what I felt yesterday. I guess it only shows how small that pain was, relative to this one. I…

I spent some time looking on Google for information on how I was feeling. General information about family problems, specifically 1st generation Asian ones.

I got articles like this. Stop running away! Face your fears! This doesn’t fit my case. On a slightly related note, today’s AskReddit had a thread on advice people did not agree on. Not surprising, I found a lot of common ones. Face your fears. Live everyday like it’s your last. Always be yourself. Just be confident. The explanations were really poor (from my perspective). They did not understand what the advice means. They are taking all the phrases literally. It’s like a metaphor, you don’t take them literally. The roads are not literally twisting around to confuse you. If you don’t understand what the advice means, you have no right to criticize it. They’re all good pieces of advice. It’s just that which advice to follow, just like almost everything in this world, depends on your situation and your goals. There’s no one definite answer to everything in life. These common advice quotes are just a representation of one simple lesson/idea. Learn and use multiple.

I love how this one is a limerick. People will misinterpret it to mean that you should always confess, even if it’s probably a bad idea. But what it actually is referring to is passions. If you like something or are passionate about it, don’t just give up on it so easily. Try to find a way, don’t just give up without trying. It’s something you enjoy, so take a stand for it.

Anyways.

I found this article again. How it compares Asian parenting to Western parenting. I didn’t realize the author’s credentials the first time I read it. This time, the article made me more upset. As an accompaniment article, this one suggests it’s something else.

This reminds me of the that Toronto girl who killed her parents.

People always stress how Asian parenting can bring up very successful children because a self-fulfilling prophecy kind of thing. They never remember to mention the amount of children who can’t recover from the failures. Only when a story like Jennifer’s comes up, does it start to be discuss a bit.

It can be extremely hard for a people to pick themselves up after failure. Especially when they’re expected to achieve the exact opposite – perfection.

Sigh.

Well, home sure doesn’t feel like home anymore. I didn’t learn anything I didn’t already know from those articles. The parents care. They care a lot. But the disconnect between a child raised in western culture, but coming home to Asian culture is really hard to deal with.

I guess I need a new safe place.

New motivation too. Yesterday’s wore out the after the second line.

I even worked hard today too.

All for naught.

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