IMG_0279

Today was an interesting day.

I ended class early, as my 390 professor felt too sick to continue teaching.

Then took the 33 with Rachel to Soho and met up with Stephanie and Tiffany. Sometime later Allen shows up. Then we move over to Stephanie’s house.

As Rachel teaches Alexandra piano, me and Allen went downstairs. As people finished what they were doing, the basement filled up with people watching Tiffany’s assorted collection of movies. Art budget galore to Mean Girls to plot armoured a Capella groups. Was quite fun.

I had to wonder if this is what a free university life really was. Had I gone to school outside of BC, would this be a more normal circumstance? Sean’s mom can’t be forcing him to go home when he’s in Toronto. He decides when and what to do there. Whether it be buying a ticket to Hack the North, flying down to the states, or just exploring the city on his own time. Is this independence?

I had that quickly shattered though.

I’ll be eating out today.

Sure. Make sure to eat dinner when you get back home.

And that was that.

Control? Decisions? Nope.

I still feel as if I don’t have much control over my life. It’s really obvious with dinner, as apparently it doesn’t matter what circumstance I am in, I have to eat dinner at  home. Ate 1 hour ago? No silly, you’re not hungry and you can totally eat another full meal, come here now. 2 hours away? It’s okay, you can eat when you get back at midnight! What sick joke is this.

It really frustrates me. Why do you have to be so illogical about this? In what world does any of that make sense? Does me being at the dinner table satisfy some other worldly tradition that one can’t fulfill with common sense? Does being forced to eat somehow make it that everything is okay? Does my suffering mean nothing if you can derive almost no utility from it? It’s just so frustrating to tell with. Why does this occur? Why can’t you see how dumb you are being right now?

I can barely even structure sentences properly.

Do I get no real say in my life choices?

Focus on academics.

Why? No questions.

Join Middle Years.

Why? No questions allowed.

Join IB.

Why? You’ll thank me when you’re older.

Choose accounting as a profession.

Why? Because you need to help me.

Transfer to UBC.

Why? You need to satisfy your grandparent’s uninformed expectations of their perceived ‘good school’.

Why don’t you listen to me?!

Are we seeing the same things here?

You always believe that this is the best course of action for you. But that’s always only through your eyes! It’s only you that believes those things. Have you once considered what I believe in life? I bet you don’t even care about that, because to you, my thoughts only differ because I’m not yet mature or aged enough to understand. Maybe you just can’t seem to understand that we’re not the same person.

The easiest case of this was those years of Christmas. I was grade 8, and had spoken many times about things I was interested in, yet neither of you seemed to even realize I had any interests.

What do you want for Christmas? We can’t think of anything for you since you aren’t interested in anything.

Hello? Do I apparently spend my time doing nothing? Badminton? Computer games? DS games? Listening to music? Swimming? Reading?

Do you just see nothing in me but just your future caretaker?

I’m not just a robot. I have feelings. I have frustrations. I have likes and dislikes. But neither of you seem to know or care about those things.

How are you doing in school?

School’s started so you can’t have fun anymore.

Don’t worry! You can play all you want once you graduate.

You’re done your assigned work? Why haven’t you finished next months’ work load too?

Do you hear yourself?

You are the one that complains about this generation’s large increase in teenage/young adult suicide.

What gives them the right to kill themselves? They had it so much better than I did. I didn’t have any of the luxuries you kids have now with the internet, food, shelter, education, public services, and even more. If I could live through the days of being hungry, how can you ever justify suicide?

Are you just ignorant or are you just pretending. The only goal you’ve set in your life (due to generational differences) is to satisfy your physiological and safety needs. You don’t even care about complex needs. You’ve never known the pressure of expectation an entire extended family could have on one person. Did your entire extended family just expect you to somehow become the next Einstein in your field? Graduate high school and suddenly make 6 figure salaries? Did they expect you to have no flaws, and show no flaws?

No!

Hell, grandfather even told you to drop the idea of further education as it was too hard. But here you are expecting me to walk into an intensely competitive field with a success rate of below 1% with no prior experience or knowledge, and just get hired for the best job possible.

It’s not hard at all.

Yeah, what part of that isn’t hard? You’ve never had the pressure of expectations. You’ve only had the pressure of hungry and safety. I’m not saying those are invalid concerns, but they are simple to fix. Hungry? Get food. How you get food is another easy question as there are many ways. What are morals when you’re dying? Same with safety. Can you do something about it? If yes, then you can do it. The solutions to those  problems are clear and simple.

But there’s no such solution for a person seeking self actualization. There’s no obvious solution to curing someone of medical depression. No magic word to make people feel loved and accepted. No simple idea that will fill your need for purpose. You had simple problems during a simple time. Those were hard problems in those times. Now we have complex problems during an even more complex time. They are the hard problems of our time. However, simple problems have simple answers. Complex problems have complex answers. While they are relatively the same difficult in the context of time, current society’s problems are objectively much harder.

Yet you can’t seem to understand that there’s such a thing.

That the world doesn’t share only your thoughts.

That someone in this world could be sane, rational, and acceptable without having the same opinions as you.

It frustrates me to no end. I can’t do anything about it because your belief of being right is so entrenched into your character that to for you to understand would mean the birth of a new character.

It’s not even something I can talk to people about. While talking about it makes me feel better, but there’s still no solution in sight. Others still have their own problems to figure out. And so do I. Things like self-improvement, expectations, society, interests and hobbies, romance, and academics still exist. The problems don’t exist in isolation, but all together. It doesn’t leave much time to think about either. It surely doesn’t give me much time to clearly think through and make proper decisions. I need a solution, but  so does everyone else.

Another night where I long for the day I move out.

Just another day where everything seems fine.

To think this day had so many enjoyable moments, yet here I am lamenating over 1 of the 2 annoyances I had.

Just another day, I guess.

Advertisements