…and everything that I do is not enough for you

That’s the conclusion I’ve finally reached.

Concluded from the lyrics of this song I just heard.

…maybe not too serious of a conclusion.

I still confused about what I’m doing right now. I still feel like I don’t know.

Don’t know what to say. Don’t know what to think. Don’t know how to act.

Not sure what to say. Not sure what to think. Not sure how to act.

Questioning what to say. Questioning what to think. Questioning how to act.

Pondering these questions.

Contemplating the results arriving from the questions. It wouldn’t be appropriate to call them answers, as they don’t answer anything.

In fact, it’s just more questions.

But so far I think I’ve gotten something down. Something that isn’t a question. Isn’t loose.

To you, I will never be superior.

Equality would be the ceiling of my life.

Although it’s quite difficult to touch the ceiling when all you are is an ant in their eyes.

Is it fair to say ‘their’ eyes if I rarely see their eyes? Rectangles with rounded edges separate the only occasions those eyes are seen. Only there to clarify what they see, never there to clarify what others see of them. In a way I can say I’ve never see their eyes. There’s the innate difficulty of actually ‘seeing’ things when you yourself have those rectangular censors. Sure, I can remove these things and ‘see’ the world. However, the censors are there for a reason. It only prevents the painful truth from being a constant reminder. In fact, I would say that the uncensored version is more vague version of reality.

The eyes will never look at me. Never will they be satisfied with my achievements. Always they will point to someone superior, the sheer luck of my situation, others who desire it more, and the hilarity of it all. To them, there is not top. The grand finals of your tournament is only the entry fee for something greater – how dare you be content with where you are now?

They can’t tell how lucky I am to even be in this position. All they can see are the problems with my current position. I do admit that there’s a lot of pressure from their family to become the best they can be. There is also the expectations their parents set up for them when they were young. It’s hard to see good in anything I’ve done if they have grown up expecting number 1.

And because they only focus on achievements, life skills never were a relevant topic. My learning of basic human interaction skills weren’t as important as learning whether or not this physics equation worked for the assigned problem.

Sometimes I tell myself I will try to live up to their expectations in order to finally see their true eyes. Only seeing reflections will never satisfy me. Sadly, that’s an unlikely occurrence. I dislike how I say it’s ‘unlikely’.

That implies there is a chance.

To be blunt, there will never be a chance for me to actually see their eyes. I will only be able to see the fake imitations and reflections – never the true thing.

And that’s not their fault.

It’s the fault of how this world has been constructed.

I mean, it is quite hard to see your own true eyes.