Going by the date published, it’s been 4 weeks since I thought to write anything.

I don’t know why. It’s not as if there’s nothing to talk about. It’s more about things that I can’t talk about that I want to talk about.

No, I did not kill somebody, or plan to. That’s not the kind of thing that I can’t talk about. It’s similar in that discussing these things would probably result in me getting some kind of  response, to put it vaguely.

But fuck it, I’m going to try and talk about some of it today.

Some time ago I ended up stumbling (less serendipity and more intentional) on some old files. The oldest they went back were 2010.

These were the ashes of a program that I used to use a lot – MSN Messenger. Which then sometime down the line became re-branded to Windows Live Messenger before being absorbed by Skype.

Old files from a chat messenger, what could they be?

Who knows.

But these things made me remember of a certain song that I really liked. I had once downloaded all of their songs and played them over and over on whatever music device I had used then (iPod? MP3? PSP? Phone?!). Most their other songs didn’t interest me as much as this one, but back then the ‘hip’ thing amongst some friends were to know all the previous songs that a band had made. In essence, it was cool to be the person who followed them before ‘they were cool’. Though I think I was pretty late to the party for this song.

Spoiler, it’s a love song.

Now how does this really relate to MSN chat logs? It was during summer, which matched the lyrics “you were the soundtrack of my summer”, but it was because I had typed some of the chorus out to someone. I thought I was being sneaky in how I was indirectly saying that I liked them a little more than normal friends, though in hindsight I’m pretty sure they knew of the song too. Or they assumed I was joking, because I did that a lot.

So how are MSN chat logs, an old love song and a indirect confession relate to things that I can’t talk about?

Is another lovely question which I’ll ignore.

I had always wondered if other people understood those indirect/weird/shy things I had said/referenced before. This was one of the large ones for me. I was fairly certain they knew of the song, and more than likely knew of the lyrics/meaning, but there was never a clear indication (to me at least) that the message was understood (clear as in, there was beyond a reasonable doubt that it could be for something else). I had gotten an equally vague response about it – likely it was interpreting my message was mostly a joke and it was a reciprocal joke message.

Somewhere there is further evidence for guys being unable to read ‘hints’ or indirect communication well. Somewhere there is also further evidence that people read into things too deeply.

I wonder what they thought of it. What they felt. If they even understood my actual meaning. Did I dodge a potentially painful experience? Or did I miss a wondrous memory? I’d like to know.

Though I wouldn’t like to know at the same time. Ignorance is truly bliss. It makes it easy to make what would’ve been difficult decisions. Knowing the knowledge could perpetuate into a future scenario which might exactly be as planned. Also context. Context of who they are, who their friends are, who I am, who my friends are, and much more.

In a way, I’m pushing responsibility over to them with what to do about this case. Assuming that 1. they see this, and 2. they understand this, the decision then becomes theirs on whether to answer my curiosity (kininarimasu!), leave it a secret, all the options in-between & beyond, and all the implications/cases of each. It’s a very selfish thing, and not exactly a supportive of a stress free relationship.

Personally, I was just afraid I might forget this mixture of curiosity, hesitation, regret, and willing unwillingness.

Also, it seemed like the perfect opportunity to ask. I’ve skipped a lot of opportunities to do things I wanted and regret not doing it each time. This is the latest opportunity I’ve noticed, and it’s a bit hard to pass it up – even though it’s much better to leave it buried for now. Sort of like that chat message, once again I’ve resorted to this indirect/shy way to ask a question I should have really considered only asking directly or not at all.

Sigh. Context in this scenario is everything. Rational thinking about the context urges me to not ask this now, but emotional processing doesn’t have any more available ‘Abandon’ options left to offer. Well then.

I guess I should apologize if they ever see this.

So, uhm…

Sorry.

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