I really wanted to make a post about my whole experience with a certain friend.

I really did.

I went through a lot of thoughts for it, where I went wrong, where he went wrong, where communication went to zero, what I would do again, what I wouldn’t, what circumstances existed to make this more likely, what could I learn from this, etc.

But when my trains of thought arrived at their destinations, I found myself not feeling a need for such a post.

I guess I still must have felt a bit of need to talk about it, since this exists, but to find myself so at peace with what had happened was surprising.

Unlike that time with Amanda near Christmas (to be exact, it was after), I didn’t feel a need to change the way I behaved in the way others expected me to.

Can I chalk that up as maturity? Lesson learned (albeit, probably not the best lesson learned from that)? Lack of care for public opinion? Or had I already convinced myself of this beforehand that I wasn’t going to be affected?

Don’t know.

And that’s how I’ve been feeling these days.

I don’t know.

 

Do you want to talk about it?

That’s something I’ve been hearing from people, not specific to this time period or anything, but just in general.

Every time I hear it, I can only think: “I wish I could”.

It’s really hard to talk about something when you don’t know what it is you need to talk about. I can’t explain situations either, because there’s nothing to explain, the feeling is just something that is there and is reinforced by small things I haven’t even noticed. Once and a while a big event will occur and reinforce it, but what is being support by these situations I still can’t determine.

And that really, really, frustrates me.

“Why can’t I solve this? I can’t even find clues!

After those thoughts leave my mind, they go and further boost this feeling of confusion. It’s as if once they’re separate from me, they realize what my issue is and join up with it.

Frustrating.

For example, recently I lost my pencil case. Thankfully it only stored one fountain pen, but it still has a majority of my writing devices. I actually have no more pencils, highlighters, sharpies, correction tape, and non-rollerball pens. I do have a hoard of (by hoard I mean like 3) of Pilot V5/7 RTs, which I may add are really nice, but other than that I actually have nothing left.

The moment I realized it was gone – the next day I had class – I mentally tracked where I could have left it, and determined there was only one place I could have left it – at Surrey. But that didn’t make sense to me, as I remember returning a pen I lent back into the case. Then I placed the case in my backpack, followed by my laptop, and left the school with my 2 group members.

I felt so incompetent. Why can’t I solve this? I could have only left it at Surrey, but I couldn’t have! It was frustrating.

That situation comes back and starts to support my building confusion. As if my thoughts no longer trusted my judgement and wanted their own revolution – a coup d’etat within my own mind.

I had another incident the other day.

Late night Skype calls – lovely. The perfect time for me to ramble on about how I have no idea what I’m feeling and how it’s bothering me. Except I didn’t.

Another supporter for the revolution.

I was asked a question: Who in this conversation do you trust the most?

Weird.

I have a default answer prepared – as I do for many questions I really don’t want to answer, or don’t want to think too much about – but I couldn’t say it.

In fact, I couldn’t say anything for a few moments. Many aspects joined together in a weird brainstorming way to form the answer of:

No one.

As I said it, I could only imagine that some people would be hurt by it. Even though they might think we are good friends, I just said I didn’t trust them.

I thought about explaining what I thought about, but it would only add to their confusion. After noticing that my latest reply didn’t exactly make someone’s day, I began to reign in on what I could say.

It made me think about another late night conversation, in which my filters were off the clock, where someone (or multiple?) people mentioned something they liked about me was how I was “brutally honest”. I found that hilarious, as the answer I gave for the best traits of the other participants, were censored, dolled up and vague in order to not be “brutally honest” to others. However that phrase has lingered in the lonely regions of my thoughts, occasionally coming out when I am given the opportunity to say something that might not be “socially acceptable” or “rude”. If it’s something someone likes about me, shouldn’t I try to keep with that behavior? Especially if I enjoy spending time with them. Although I understand that being given 30 seconds to answer a ‘best trait’ question doesn’t result in the most meaningful of answers, it still was one of the things that came to their mind – so it must be prominent.

On the other hand, I was once told “There are weirder people than you with girlfriends”, which solidified my assumption that I was ‘weird’. I like to think ‘weird’ is just a of saying ‘different’ with a negative connotation stating that those ‘different’ behaviours were not what society considered ‘normal’. It ties in with the above point about traits, as memorable traits of people are attributes that the person has which differs from the ‘norm’. Someone who is classified as a ‘nice person’ is just someone who is much nicer than what is considered ‘normal’ in the current society. If someone wasn’t as nice as a ‘normal’ person, they would be assigned the trait of ‘rude’ or ‘mean’ in response. And if someone has the same degree of nice-ness as a ‘normal’ person, it wouldn’t be a noticeable feature of the person. Instead others would look at their intelligence, work ethic, manner of speech, or any other aspect that is different from their understand of what society’s ‘norms’ are.

Those two phrases I’ve been told really conflict with each other. If I want to be less ‘weird’, which is inherently negative in that context, I have to stop being ‘different’ and in turn start removing some aspects about me that may be how others view me – like being ‘brutally honest’.

Moving on, I also am finding it harder and harder to find what would be a ‘correct’ response to what others say. Not just a ‘correct’ response, but I also have trouble trying to find something that I could say that others could perceive as something I would say.

It’s really making conversation hard for me.

This must is why Oregairu‘s episodes are resonating with me so much right now (although I think the purpose of the ‘Slice of Life’ genre is to be relatable so you can understand the characters better). This quote:

Think, struggle, stumble, and worry───It’s not genuine otherwise.

Nicely summarizes what I’ve been feeling recently.

Although it’s not the same context as a social outcast trying to fix his only close friendships, the same meaning is there – at least for me.

And maybe that’s the other thing that matters. I’m not sure about that though, as with everything these days, but there’s more confidence in that last sentence that anything else I’ve written so far.

So that’s all that matters.

 

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