I’m having motivation issues again.

I think it’s from being satisfied after previous term. Something about needing a break after I finally found some sort of success.

Though it’s been a long time since then. 3-4 months. Quite a decent amount of time for a break, I’d say.

Something tells me I need to feel some kind of suffering, a ‘wake-up call’ or whatever people like to call it now.

Something that really hurts, something that bothers me, something that would make me really frustrated about myself.

That something would be my BUS 207 exam.

I took 201 last term, a harder and more advanced version of the 207 I’m taking now.

However I’m doing worse in it.

Even though a lot of the content is repeated, albeit not through the same methods.

Even though I’m paying much more attention in class for it.

I’m not looking at my phone the entire class and missing notes.

I would be less worried about this if the course wasn’t so important to me.

I guess only it’s only right in order for the experience to be painful – it has to matter.

My 207 grade will basically determine my Sauder application.

I’m not really worried about being accepted or not, as Beedie, honestly, is pretty nice place after a while.

But what I am worried about is not trying hard enough.

For this application, I asked some people to be my reference (as it is required). But these people are people I respect, and I don’t think I can bring myself to ask them again (if I ever apply again).

I would feel like I disappointed them if I didn’t at least give it a good amount of effort. Something about thinking possibly thinking I don’t appreciate their efforts.

I also feel kind of incompetent being rejected three times.

Not one.

Not two.

But three.

The wishful, wonderful, idealistic reason I had for going to UBC doesn’t exist in the face of realistic issues.

In fact, it’s not even a slightly moving reason.

It’s frustrating.

It’s even worse when my fellow Beedie student, Acky, applied for Sauder and got accepted.

There’s something there between us in terms of marks and competition. A lot of it stems from IB culture as well as MY/SY vs regular culture. I hate it.

I’ve always promoted IB, and will keep promoting IB, but only recently have I discovered the issues that the culture of IB students bring. That’s a separate post.

Healthy competition is nice, but sometimes it gets too far.

It is also part of the reason why it’s so frustrating.

Frustrating that even though I can seemingly determine factors, reasons and correlations for my issues and problems, but that doesn’t help me do shit.

Sigh.

My exam is Monday at 8:30am. I have one the previous day that will let me get home at 8pm. I’ll sleep at around 10-11 and then wake up at 6 to go to the exam.

Sigh.

I’ll spend the next 30 minutes reading more material for tomorrow’s exam.

I’ll be back with a post about how I hate my motivation level afterwards.

See you.

Advertisements