Free! Eternal Summer!’s episode 5 came out today.

I cried tearful empathized with Nagisa during this episode.

Yup.

Nothing else.

Nothing else in this day bothered me.

Not.

At.

All.

That would be a lie.

It was frustrating.

What are you people trying to say? What is the problem?

Does no one want to clearly point out my error? Is everyone just going to mindlessly type insulting and aggressive statements, then back off with ‘I didn’t say that’.

No kidding you didn’t say that I’m shit. But you are clearly implying it! I can feel your damn bloodlust oozing through your words. The drip, and the drop. The loathe and disdain.

I might as well be right beside you.

But the worst part is that, my truly incorrect action has been admitted.

One of the first things done too.

And then the discussion goes on.

What is this something else?

Why does no one tell me?

And when they do, I am already very fed up.

I am in the wrong.

But that doesn’t mean I will take unnecessary shit.

 

I’m not as mad as I seem. To be  honest, I shouldn’t even be allowed to be mad in this case.

But I just can’t help but be mad.

I judged my action to have been mildly upsetting at best.

If this was a separate case on it’s own, I doubt I would get even close to this repercussion.

But the time, place and time were incorrect and I will pay.

 

It’s not that I didn’t entertain myself with thoughts of apologies.

I thought about going to pick up something, probably chocolate as that seems to be the go-to  ‘Shit I’m sorry’ kind of thing. Write a note about being a pretty terrible person.

Give it to them on Saturday, as Thursday (today) feels too weird& too soon.

Then leave.

I wouldn’t pretend that it would be okay.

People need their distance.

As do I.

 

I don’t see myself as someone who enjoys following what someone says.

Especially if I have already planned to do it. As I will have been doing it regardless of their input, I feel stripped of my own independent action, as when my action does occur, it will not be a ‘Maybe he really meant it’ action, but a ‘He was forced to do this, and it’s not as important’. To send the message, I would have to go ‘above & beyond’. Which is something I’m not terrific at. It involves additional planning, thinking, and being unable to rely on previous experiences. It becomes a more ‘intuitive’ and ‘creative’ endeavor, and less ‘efficiency’, ‘well timed’ and ‘scripted’ plan.

Neither do I want to see their smug attitude of ‘Good job, you did it properly’ when my own action is complete.

I use scripted not to mean it is lacking in personal feeling & touch because it is scripted, but in the sense that it has been already thought out, clean, and less uncertainties (because there can never be such a thing as no uncertainties) because it is scripted.

I also dislike the accusations when additional parties join in.

These additional parties all seem to communicate with each other. And the understanding that nothing you say towards this one person, will stay between you and this one person for long. It would only been 15 minutes later that the information travels from one party to the next, all of which are not the party I would like to accommodate for.

But that’s naive. There are rarely cases were only the involved parties are to be accommodated for. In most cases, additional room for guests are always placed.

That doesn’t mean I like having my conversations be open.

 

I also really hate myself, you know.

I really don’t do apologies.

I can and will be regretful. I will perform actions and gestures that indicate and demonstrate apologetic nature and willingness to change.

But I can’t say the words.

They hurt.

They stick.

They mean nothing to me.

When people say ‘I’m sorry’, it doesn’t mean anything to me.

In 2 words (sometimes 3) they try to demonstrate the hours of actions, regretful thoughts, and distasteful looks & talk that are part of the apology process.

It’s rushed. It is more likely to show one’s lack of care, than their abundance of care.

I hate it.

‘But the phrase is part of the apology process!’

If it is part of the process, why is that it is usually the only part of the process that ever gets done? It isn’t even the part of the process that really reveals the nature of the apology. You don’t earn forgiveness by saying a few words and look regretful. Flesh wounds don’t heal in 30 seconds, so why would emotional wounds?

But I don’t think anyone understands or shares this thought.

My lack of ‘I’m sorry’ is seen as being unapologetic, which is completely contrary to what I am to do. And it sucks.

I don’t think there have been more than five times where I uttered that phrase as part of my process. It was always a never say.

 

There’s more I want to say.

I’m just not sure how.

I’ll try I guess.

 

I prefer a damaged friendship to a non-existent one. In terms of numbers, obviously if X (damaged friendship) is greater than zero (non-existent), while knowing that the higher values of X are preferred, X will always be preferred over zero.

Yet reality isn’t as nice and clean. Zero is very likely to be a superior choice than slightly above zero. There is no constant tension/awkwardness in the air. There is not previous damage that has to be constantly avoided. There is no maintenance to keep it worth the cost.

But.

I can’t handle the avoidance and the refusal to accept my existent that comes with a null&gone relationship. I’ve seen and experienced enough of it. The glares and stares never stop being painful. They never stop hurting. They never stop.

Which is why, I was very glad that you allowed me in your circle of friends again. And it wasn’t even just an outer-rim kind of deal either.

I believe it was because of the avoidance that occurred after the issues. If we clashed, I don’t think it would ever be like this.

Though it is also likely that it could have been better through a clash, I will never know.

But I rather play avoidance card than the clash card. If I can avoid some small amount of emotional pain through avoiding the related parties completely, I’ll gladly do it.

But recently I’ve been choosing the play the clash card.

Most of the time knowing that it is likely to end in a good result.

But now that the issue is more serious, and involves myself and not others, the card gets harder and harder to play.

 

And here’s a part that will really not make sense in this post. Though the post itself is  already very unorganized and disjointed.

But you do not understand what I am feeling like right now. Have you tried?

Do you know why me&her resulted like that? Did you ever get that answer? Because if you haven’t, I think you’ve gotten it now. What seems right to me, is not what seems right to most. That is how I have operated for the last little while. I really hope you get that.

I also really hope that I’ll never have this conversation with you again. Actually, part of me really wishes to never have a conversation with you again, but that is way beyond what could possibly be tolerated – by both you and me. But you’ll doubt these words, and who wouldn’t? If there enough reason to express it, there is enough reason to believe it. However, everyone has terrible inner thoughts and I am merely expressing mine to you. So you would hopefully better understand how I feel. But that’s a far fetched dream.

And to you. Why have my actions not prevented you from saying ‘Hi’ ever again? Surely it couldn’t possibly be hard to fake pretend and say ‘Hi’. I sure as hell can attest to that. I’ve done it. To you. To others. Avoidance is a policy that I’ve chosen to use. Even if I am aware that the another policy would prove more effective, it’s never right to bring back distasteful memories. That is more important to me than anything else. I don’t want to bring up bad memories, if I’ve already chosen to not do such a thing. Going back on my word (although I never told anyone of such decisions) will break the remains of my pride like nothing before. I might regret my choices, but I wouldn’t change them.

[End Aside]

I think that’s what it’s called – an aside.

 

I don’t think I’ve expressed all my hidden feelings. I can tell because I still feel frustrated at myself for being unable to explain jack shit.

Neither can I be happy I revealed some of my feelings about the event itself. It does not much good to give away the true feelings hidden underneath textual words and carefully crafted sentences.

I also hate when people walk away from a discussion.

I know I’ve done that countless times. To just give up on whatever I believe to be correct in order to avoid further conflict or struggles. But that doesn’t mean I like doing it.

Somethings are just not worth the grief. Having a pseudo-shouting contest on the bus about the technicalities of your sentence just now is not something I value to be important. However if it were to be about a difference in opinion on an important matter such as morality and correctness of action, then sure come at me. I will take the challenge, and very likely lose it. But if I lose it, it just shows how much of a valid reason there was for the opposing opinion.

I’m not sure how to close this blog, or how to even continue it. The thoughts I’ve contained for some time had it’s time to organize themselves over the past hours, and the other thoughts had some months/years to make sense. But making new thoughts and discoveries about myself into coherent, understandable sentences for someone other than myself to understand is much too for an energy and motivation deprived brain at 1:30 in the morning.

I’ve typed too much.

And explained too little.

Free! Eternal Summer! episode 5 made me cry. I’ll admit it.

Partially because it followed the circumstances of today, and the feelings of frustration I had just pushed aside.

It also followed from my complete and utter understanding and empathy for the thoughts and experiences Nagisa showed in the episode.

Before it even started I had given up. Even during the discussions I have given up.

If I truly believed and wanted it, I would not have started the talk defeated.

I would only help me walk out faster, than clear it out.

Too little gained, for too large a loss.

 

Oh. By saying ‘I thought you were better than this’, you deny the fact that everyone puts their best foot forward, keeping their secrets and dislikes behind. One day when you explode and do irrational things, I hope this phrase is said to you, and maybe you too will understand the force of that phrase. And when you do, I hope it hurts.

Because it hurt.

Why does it hurt when someone’s assumption of me is incorrect? I’m not the one making the mistake of an assumption. I am the target of the assumption, the victim in the morality case. If it is I who broke your assumed vision of me, than it is you who created an incorrect model, leaving out the importance of ‘out of character actions’. It would be the actions outside the 99.7% range of three standard deviations. An outlier. If I am to be judged by both the outlier actions as well as the regular actions, your sample might as well include actions that are not mine. The accuracy of the model would be the same.

 

 

Good night.

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