Tonight I’m feel pretty down.

 

It’s been a while since I had the discussion of grades with my parents.

By a while, I mean like 2 months. Rounded up.

 

I feel like somewhere inside of me, I’ve accepted the fact that I will not achieve high marks.

Though I haven’t accepted that I give my all to studying, or school in general.

I understand that generally, 3.0 is okay.

Mediocre.

That’s something I have excelled at for the last few years.

Being mediocre.

 

Somehow, I still feel that I could be doing much better than this.

I don’t know when they feeling came about me.

Since I started secondary school? Since I made IB? Way before it?

I’m not sure.

I do understand that if I look at my scores objectively, I never have been an ‘A student’.

Even going back to elementary school I scored multiple B’s and seldom A’s.

Even during grade 7 camp, during one of their ice breaking games ‘ 2 lies and a truth’, I used ‘I have poor grades’ as my truth.

One of my friends commented that ‘He thinks B’s are bad.’

No one disagreed with him.

Not even me.

 

Either it was my upbringing.

An elementary school environment where my closest friends were the highest achievers (and they still continue this trend).

A parenting style that disallowed for non-A’s, even though I frequently did not achieve their standards (pretty much always).

A Chinese culture where everyone praises each others children, even if it’s not the truth.

 

Or my acceptance into programs I didn’t believe I would make it.

First Middle Years (Synergy).

Then Pre-IB.

Then IB.

I didn’t even pass IB.

Why do I even feel superior?

 

Also, me scrapping by ‘decent’ marks while not giving it my all (my belief), as well as making the passing cuts in extracurricular (life-guarding lessons when I’m terrible at swimming; violin exams when I only practiced the last 2 months) aided in this superiority complex.

 

Even now I still kind of believe that I am better than some of my classmates.

Even though time and time again objectively speaking they have proven to surpass me.

 

Maybe it’s not that I was always a mediocre type of student.

Maybe I was above average, but this complex of mine has brought me down?

Maybe this is the turning point in the story, where I suddenly become a better student?

Maybe I’m wishing too much and not actively pursuing.

 

If I was easily malleable, I would use this remaining half of the semester to conduct an experiment on myself.

Different levels of dedication to school work, measured by the time spent on school work (studying, making flashcards, doing additional assignments, pre-reading textbook, seeking additional help) and the level of additional activities I would do.

All the while keeping gaming/other activities time constant at 1 hour a day (or something), and that’s only if I have the time for it after the dedication of school work.

 

But I’m not malleable.

And I know the results.

 

But I don’t change.

Pity.

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