Today was pretty frustrating.

In its own way though, it wasnt too bad.

I mean… I woke up before 10.
I fixed an issue with TD (kind of).
I did some math.
I broke a losing streak.
I had some fun.
And I lived to tell it.

But inbetween that fun, joy and math was an extremely large amount of negative emotion.
I would cry if I didn’t make that promise.
Not tears of joy or pain.
But from helplessness.

I guess that’s pain in its own unique way.

Just like how everyone gets over troubles in different ways. Some more preferred than others.

Some more open.
Some more hidden.
Some never seen.

Well, I didn’t postpone sleep tonight to be annoyed.

During a discussion today I mentioned that I too had people I feel that way for.

And them I thought of they would be surprised at that. Or okay with it. Or reciprocate that feeling.

Doubt it.

One I’m having troubles figuring out how I feel.

Is it admiration? Attraction? Lust? Some feeling of family? I can’t say. Something about them makes me wish for their happiness. Another part wishes it was with me.

A part of me wonders if they would remain on this list if my feelings changed. What if they get up and take strides in life tomorrow? Well, I already feel that they’ll pass me someday. Wouldn’t want to be the chain and ball dragging them down.

It doesn’t help that they’re not…clear. Or concise. Or able to understand me. Or open to people.

Or at least to people who they know.

That kind of hurts.

The other is someone I struggle to understand how to act around anymore.

A good friend? Close? Just a friend? Someone who used to be more than what they are now? I don’t know.

I was once told by Eva that she was jealous of how we ended up. She said it was impressive and that she wished she could do that.

I never thought much of it.

But I realize it’s hard to get in and out of a relationship and hope things will be like before.

Scary.

I wonder how she thinks of this.

I don’t see her the same way as 5 years ago, but I still care for this person.

Would it be creepy?
Weird?
Too clingy?
Years too late?

I thought being adult made me…different than this teenaged self.
All it did was add expectation without resolving anything.

Oh and it charges me 11$ a month.
Thanks TD.

So how does this work now?
I would tramble the scum who hurt these people. But would things change afterwards? If they do, my feeling were wrong.

I don’t even personally believe that I should be allowed to feel this way to these people. Theres no special red ribbon tying me and them together. Nothing grants me this privilege.

But when he mentioned it.

They were the only one who came to mind.

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