The Tool that is Language.

That was the title of an English piece I wrote over the weekend.

I had that English class today.

We did small group discussions about the piece we wrote : “My life as a language user”.

An introduction assignment.

Introduces ourselves to some people and the professor, with a slight twist of good ‘ol English class.

So yeah. Plain old stuff.

Had a group of 3.

A girl whose name I cannot even begin to try to spell went first.

More like she was pressured to go by our 3rd member –  a 58 year old Rhwanda woman.

There’s something about how she talks, asks questions and instructs us (the younger kids). Something about how when the elderly talk to you about life lessons, there’s always that sense of ‘Damn, they’ve got it figured out’ by how they talk.

Even though I know now, that those adults are just like me. Confused, scared, and clueless about how life works. But they’ve got that head start of 20~ years. So while they’re still confused, scared and clueless, they have a better idea of how to deal with it. Either from first hand learning, or second hand learning.

But that’s side material.

I went second.

Pulled out the 770 word inadequate work and began to straight out read from it.

After a paragraph with nothing but white tree remains and size 11 Arial, something began to feel weird.

Why am I looking at the paper…? I’m supposed to be looking at the ‘audience’…

So I did.

Did a quick glance.

Felt like a presentation.

Felt the glares back.

Felt right.

I guess these past year of complaining, wishing and really not much training did cause a change.

Public speaking is slightly more tolerable.

None of those teachers were lying when they say you improve with practice. Not that I doubted them.

No really, I didn’t.

I just didn’t want to practice.

Got to face the limelight if you’re going to walk on that stage.

Hopefully more changes will occur, and I’ll begin to notice it more.

Though I don’t know if I want to change.

I’m more… held back than I was previous – hard to imagine, I agree.

Before I would say more things. Ask more questions. Would care less about what people would think.

Assuming these are close friends we are talking about.

I can’t explain why. I just don’t feel like I should be saying these things. Or quoting what they say. Or continuing on that topic.

Maybe it’s because I’ve done it before.

And have seen it crumble.

Fear of failure is so common.

So scary.

So real.

I guess that pressure alone  prevents me from pursuing that train of thought.

But like this, I can’t be me.

At least online, that is.

I… feel more open face to face now.

But  if it is going to cause me to lose the online persona I’ve relied on for  strength…

I’m not sure how to continue.

Language has been a faithful tool.

From platypuses, to day-to-day activities, to hopes of change and love, to thoughts, feelings and rants.

I’ve been using this internet side of me – Rem.

The name’s been changed quite some bit.

Katana, billni, iRemember, Rem, Rhy.

But a new tag doesn’t change the product.

This should really be a wish come true for grade 8 me. The me that is sitting by the door of Mr. Olson’s class, away from friends and too shy to make new ones.

To the me that refused marathon running practice in grade 5.

To the me that still cries at defeat.

Rejection.

Failure.

To the me that doesn’t want to stand up no longer.

To the me in grade  7 revealing his sadness – while being happy.

To the me in grade 9 regretting decisions in grade 8.

To the me of last night wondering how I was going to get through 3 hours of up close&personal interactions with strangers.

These things should all be recorded in the ‘Great Book of Personal Success’.

But the title reads Regrets & Fears.

This is truly change.

Change that I had continuously wished  for. Change that I would become momentarily religious and pray to God for.

Change that I have become scared of occurring.

I guess change isn’t all it is hyped up to me.

Extroversion isn’t all that I had wished and hoped.

Introversion wasn’t all that terrible as I had seen.

Change will still happen.

It just won’t be the same path – I’ll start a new one.

One in the middle of the two.

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