It’s the new year, and instead of talking about 2014 or the 2013 recap, I wanted to talk about a post-Christmas Christmas party.

Or just the one conversation I had after the party was over.

So I guess I’m talking post-post-Christmas Christmas party. That took longer than it should have to make sense.

It sounded better in my head.

If I could talk in my head, that is.

So term one of university is over, everyone comes back for the holidays, and everyone does a meet-up.

Hobbit themed (only in name) festivities, but nothing we did was ‘Hobbit’ themed, other than the names of the food.

Forget watching Lord of the Rings or The Hobbit, we watched Fight Club and 1408.

A classic movie and a suspense movie – very Tolkien-esque.

Regardless of the thematic failure, the point was to meet up and have fun.

          [x] Meet up & have fun

Looks accomplished to me.

Got asked if I needed a ride to the nearby Canada Line station, I initially said yes as I thought we would have left before everyone else.

Surprise! We left at the same time.

I wanted to spend some time with these people that I won’t see until the summer, so I traveled with them instead. It only led to an awkward situation where I didn’t tell the other group my plan has changed because I decided while walking out the house.

Also because it was a really weird situation, and the good way to fix it was the bad way in my imaginary head.

Sorry! I’m socially awkward.

So after sometime, it’s just me and an elementary school friend waiting for the final bus in the lonely city of Richmond at 11pm.

We were talking about generally meaningless things – Minecraft, Boxing day, the Hobbit movie gathering (of which we both couldn’t attend), and general university life.

Somehow we got to a point where he was telling me about how he felt about me when we were in Elementary school.

I never really liked you – I don’t know why.

Well.

Let’s take a step back here.

This is a guy I regarded as a close friend since grades 3/4 of elementary. My parents and his parents were good friends, and we played together a lot.

It kind of stung. Some part of me felt nauseous. But this conversation wasn’t over yet – there was more pain to be felt.

I always thought you were kind of fake.

Great.

I think it went all the way up to grade 9.

Greatgreatgreatgreatgreatgreatgreatgreatgreatgreatgreatgreatgreatgreat.

Just. Great.

No breaks. Just hit it where it hurts ’til I drop.

Wonder-fucking-ful.

In a vain attempt to not have it looked like I was really hurt, the conversation continued.

More general topics, then the bus arrived and it was easier.

So let us perform some first aid (if I’m terrible – I apologize. My first aid license has expired).

I really thought this guy was my close friend back in Elementary, as well as throughout Secondary school. I guess I was wrong, wasn’t I.

Really depressing and demoralizing to know that people can think so differently of you, even when you appreciate them so much.

I even went to his house on multiple occasions… and him to mine.

I don’t even know what to think anymore.

What did I do wrong back then? What actions made me seem fake? Do I still seem fake?

Am I fake?

What am I even faking?

I’ve wanted to be more outgoing for a long time, and have tried to fake it for so long. However I don’t think I started in grades 3/4, but more like 8/9 – when I began to feel lonely.

I was always shy to strangers and open to friends. I always counted him under the category of respected people which meant I wasn’t as open with him. Is the difference why?

My own dislike for C stems from a strange chain of events. While I’ll never know if he meant any of those things he said, he never made it feel any better. My dislike is really arbitrary, I guess. Maybe his was too.

Still feels depressing and demoralizing.

Why did I try so hard to be outgoing if all it did was create dislike? What was the point of learning to converse with adults, children, peers then?!

And…how do others think of me?

I know I shouldn’t be thinking about that, but I don’t want a situation where I feel they are a close friend, but they dislike me.

Social troubles.

Sometimes I rather live in a cave.

Happy new years, by the way.

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