Grand and luxrious, and something everyone should have, is confidence.

The irony in this, is that the preacher has none of what he preaches.

I honestly have no confidence in myself anymore. Maybe if you talked to me about this 2-3 years ago, I’d give you some answer revolving around Math, Science and Art.

But now?

I’d have to tell you that you’re talking to the wrong person about confidence.

As I began to lose hope in myself, I began to think that everyone else  thought the same way about it.

My actions suddenly became reflective of who I was, in every negative light possible.

Asking a question on Binary Expansion because I forgot? Must be because I didn’t learn about it and I’m a slacker.

Didn’t get the right answer for that Acid-Base titration? Didn’t review it and I’m making excuses for why I got it wrong.

Can’t do 50 push-ups in a row? I’m god damn fat and have zero will or motivation to change that. (Kinda true though.)

These thoughts have constantly plagued me (maybe plague isn’t the right word here), and have changed how I feel about this.

I have internalized these thoughts, and like Henri Tajfel would have said, I’ve created my own ingroup for myself.

An ingroup of failure.

But recently, two friends have added some new flavour to my dull ingroup.

One said they respected me, not for academics, per say, but for many other variables.

What variables those were, I did not pay much attention too, I was much too stuck trying to get past the first part of ‘I respect you.’

Bam.

Then, another friend asked me if I could fill this spot on their team, as their player was missing.

They thought I was good enough, or my skill/ability in that role was of  adequate proportions for them to request me to attend. Maybe it was because there was no one else, but you wouldn’t ask someone you wouldn’t trust to play on your team, would you? Because I’m certain I wasn’t the only one able to play that role available.

These two small things.

Two small sentence  fragments, have made me start to think differently about things.

Maybe I’ll go into that Chemistry test confident I can take home at least a 5, and not be stressed resulting in sudden memory loss and shamefully hiding a 3.

Maybe.

Just maybe.

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