It’s frustrating.

I can’t sit down and do work without thinking about something else.

I’ll try to find excuses for myself: I’m tired, bored, uninspired, it’s easy, I’ll do it later.

I find things to distract me: Elsword, blogging, msn, friends, facebook, youtube, songs, anything.

I’ll spend hours and hours on an assignment, then pull an all nighter to finish something, because even at 5am in the morning, I’m playing a game, or watching a video.

Why.

How did this happen to me?

Asking myself pointless questions is also one of those things I do to distract myself.

I feel hopeless.

It’s like a Chekhov play, only there’s no dry humour, and it isn’t criticizing anything by myself.

Sometimes I blame you for it. I hold you precious to me, and enjoy my time spent with you, yet… I have enough courage to blame you for my troubles.
I’m dropping lower and lower. It’s worse than gravity, I’m going faster than -9.8m/s², I started at 100, and now I’m far below -100.

And it’s only been a second.

Then, I bother myself to think of complex things, things like love, life, death, life after death, emotions, and how infinity is -(1/12).

I could cry myself to sleep, if I wasn’t such a cold blooded wreck.

I find myself…. losing focus.

Visually, and educationally.

I can’t focus my vision on one thing anymore, I’ll end up looking through my peripheral vision, or just end up staring (focus disappears and eyes cross). Something has seriously changed with me the past summer. Maybe it’s because of stress.

Yeah I wish.

I need someone to whip me back into shape.

But they’re far away, on vacation, and free.

That person is me.

The feeling of uselessness, it hurts, it hurts. I don’t always say the right thing, nor do the right thing. I just have to keep calm, and move myself on. It’s darn tiring, and sometimes even painful, but if I don’t do it, I’m going to be in one place for a damn long time.

Advertisements