Yesterday during violin, I spent more time thinking than actually playing.

Thinking about the future.

Not about academics, love, or any or that superficial (yes love + academics are superficial, deal with it) crap.

More just about the future in general. Friends and adaptation.

Short-term:

In about 1 month, I won’t be seeing 2 friends/classmates associate them with what you will) for basically the rest of my life. Other than the occasional facebook picture stalk (which I myself personally do not do). But losing a friend is tough. I’ve had to do that multiple times, usually always during a pivotal change in my life. (from primary -> intermediate. from elemen – > secondary. from gr10 -> gr11 [11 = MOST IMPORTANT GRADE]). Grade 3->4, close female friend and first best friend left. One to China, one to the states. Guess what? The one that went to China came back, and I saw her once in a restaurant randomly, but I didn’t even think much of it.

“Oh look that’s Joey. I haven’t seen/talked to her in like 6 years. I’m not going to go talk to her even though I’m having all these memories about before.”

Geez, I feel like an idiot.

I felt that way today when I asked Arnold to be my ambassador reference teacher.
Then I promptly forgot about handing it in because the horror of socials was too great for my mind to handle.

Oh yeah, by the way I failed that. No further information is needed. I see why Eugene didn’t want to tell me anything.

ANYWAYS!

Back to the past.

Grade 7->8. Lost ANOTHER close female friend (OKAY SEAN FUCK YOU. DON’T YOU SAY SHIT KAY) as well as trustworthy male friend.
Did I mention that I lost my only best friend during grades 6->7? Fun times.

Tim is all the way in Richmond now. The last time I saw him was around the first few days of grade 8. Back then on fridays we’d used to all go back to school to hang out.

Well now the only ones at DLG afterschool are Megan, Angeline and Katy. The trio is still alive. Eh, not that I suspected anything else…

And now, I’m repeating the same pattern. A girl and a guy. The girl…eh, won’t be affected much. I’ve already distanced myself from her so it’s a ‘meh’ thing. The guy though… *sigh*.

I’ve always thought of him as a role model. Athletic (to an extent. not the best, but certainly above average), smart (obviously), well rounded (instruments, art, religious) and just overall a nice guy.

And because of that, I’ve strived to become somewhat like him. I know it’s impossible to be the same, because everyone is different. But I can’t help it, I’ve tried getting closer and closer to him, from that distant stranger to a friend. And then suddenly, he’s leaving. It kinda hurts, in the way where I should be strong enough to withstand it, but I’m not.

I’m not anything you think I am.

Kind? No just easily manipulated.
Chatty? No, just insecure.
Friendly? No, just lack of social skills.
Independent? No, just don’t know anyone.

Name a characteristic about me, I’ll prove you fucking wrong.

Anyways. Violin concerts are going to be seriously boring. I used to be able to depend on the few people I knew to talk to, or at least sit with so it isn’t awkward for me. But now, not anymore.

Victor quit.
Rose is moving.
Wayne barely goes to any of them (I don’t even know if he still goes).

Fun times ahead.

Then again, I’ll quit after grade 8.
If I pass that is.

Long Term:

Where do I want to go when I graduate? The states? UBC? UT? Waterloo? Mcguile?

If I do go to the states, is anyone else going? Will I be alone there?

How will I fit in if I’m alone? Friends? Anyone? Will we still stay in contact?

You see, I’m extremely paranoid as well as insecure.

At home, anything out of order is evidence that someone’s in the house, waiting behind the door to kill me.
Why they would, no clue, but the thought alone is scary.

Sometimes, I scare myself to sleep.
The logic behind that is: if I don’t feel anything when I’m asleep, I won’t feel the pain when I die.

Sometimes, I wonder how I get by each passing day.

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