hate myself.

i don’t hate my parents, freinds, surroundings, or life.

but myself.

i’m weak
i’m useless.
i’m trash.

surely you didn’t mean it when you said “I” was trash, since that was in game talking about damage. but, i secretly did agree with you, that I, myself, was trash.

I don’t even want to go to the washroom since one side of the wall is literally just a mirror, and the other side has glass. the remaining sides are a door and a picture w/ reflective glass. great. All i can’t see is a door, if that isn’t symbolism, i don’t know what is.

one room, one door, death glares from all sides. expectations from all sides. and the guilt of having to let those expectations wither away comes from the inside.

maybe i’ll just laugh. smile, and joke to get through the days. graduate high school, go to university, get a job, buy a house, make a living.

then one day, just disappear. without a trace. take a one way ticket to Alaska, England, Nova Scotia (wanted to go there for the longest time). maybe even fly my way to japan and spend a few days there before going to a place where i can speak their language. suddenly, french seems that much more important.

i wish someone could just come up and tell me
“i come with council at this dark hour.”
oh how I would love for that.

that reminds me, love.
try as i might, and i have no tried quite long enough, it binds me still.
i cannot escape from it. it’s like odysseus tied to the pole, it’s like achilles’ doomed fate to die, and helen’s affair with paris.
i wish i could live life hanging on the edge. nothing sound seem surprising anymore, since surprises would become normal. though eventually all surprises would become dull, and the normal life would become surprising. oh how amazing that would be. to never to surprised by the unexpected, yet continue to be surprised by average life, and how it continues regardless of the situation around it.

back to love.
sadly, i’m back. same place. just a few weeks/month later in time. still at the same crossroad, with the same reasoning for both paths. nothing has changed. maybe the urge to continue forward has dulled, but nonetheless, still there. yet i’m afraid that before i’ll decide which path, i won’t want to move forward anymore. i’m afraid that if i move, i’ll reach the end of the path, and realize this one is meaningless, that i choose wrong. not that it would be my fault, or anyone’s fault. but life’s way of saying “sorry! try again”. though love is not a lottery, there’s not only one winner, there are many. but there are still the same amount of losers.

sigh.
i’m leaning towards b more than a. maybe that saying was true.
i’ll see, i might as well go and lavishly spend the remaining 5 dollars i have, and see if this ‘road’ is safe.
though danger is pretty exciting in itself.

love you,
kev.

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