I am a coward.

I’m not a romanticist.

I’m just unable to say anything that isn’t ‘love’.

Because ‘love’ is the most easiest topic to discuss without being overly straightforward and plain.

I think I’ll change my resolution

I guess, it will be ‘ Build courage’.

Not building courage to do what you’re thinking right now, but building courage in order to proceed with life.

Life itself, is a 2D graph with a straight line going through it. A horizontal line. One with no slope.

It’s boring. All I can see life is:

Get born. Play. Learn. Grow. Learn more. Fall in love. Learn. Learn. Learn. Broken heart. Learn. Learn more. Suffer from pressure. Work. Work. Fall in love again. Work. Work. Accepted. Work. Work. Marriage. Work. Work. Work. Have children (optional). Work. Work. Stress for children’s future. Work. Work. Vacation. Work. Work. Retire. Do nothing. Do nothing. Play with grandchildren (if any). Do nothing.Do nothing. Die.

How interesting.

What a creative way to live.

It’s so dull that I don’t even want to live.

But I don’t want to die, because I’d much rather live.

Do you understand what I’m saying?

Doubt it, because while everyone has their own hopes and dreams to keep them fighting through each day, mine dream is to find something to hope for.

Something that matters. Not something that’s trivial like a good Sci-fair mark, or get into IB (it’s not the end of the world if I’m not accepted). But something that will get me to wake up and think to myself ‘Wow, I’m looking forward for today.’
Last night, someone scared me.

They didn’t ‘know’ me.

But they saw through me.

What they were thinking about, I had no idea.

but

‘I don’t know you’

Ouch.

Not that it hurts the feelings.

But it’s like one of those times where someone hits right where it hurts.

Haha, I guess that hurts the feelings.

But.

Sigh.

I guess I don’t like talking abut myself.

Especially the past, or the lows of my life. It makes me feel…useless, pitiful. It’s like I’m begging for someone to care. And really, doing that is just the lowest thing possible.

Though others may not see it like that, I sure do.

But that only applies to myself.

I’m so self-conscious, haha.

Sides, it’s not that I hate having my secret found out (okay, I do hate that), but it’s…just that this NEVER HAPPENS!

Except for Sharon.

I don’t know how the hell she does it, but bloody hell. I can’t even pull up a mask without it getting torn in seconds. It’s like some kind of damned fairy power. POOF. Unmasked. NOT FUNNY OKAY. NOT FUNNY. I DON’T LIKE BEING….OPEN. =\

Hah. Masks.

Aren’t they fun things.

Well, there’s a crash-course on me.

Hell, not much of a ‘crash-course’ since those are suppose to have general info, this one just…blah.

I don’t know if it’s just me, but everyone uts on the facade that they are either

1. Happy.

2. Sad.

Why there’s an obvious contrast? No idea.

It’s like, either someone’s really happy all the time, or they go from just being themselves to the guy in the corner under 15. It’s scary. Scary how much freedom everyone has. During anytime of the day, we can take a piece of paper, draw a smiley face on it, and stick it on our face. And no one will ever notice.

It really is scary.

Sigh.

This doesn’t make chronological sense, but….

To hell with that.

People stopped caring for that years ago.

Sadly enough, I’m one of the few that do. Guess that makes me old-school. Or at least, it makes me ‘lame’. Though there isn’t much negative things about being ‘lame’.

Hah.

Anyways, today, I’ve spent my time, thinking.

Not about IS, or about SAT, but about love.

What is love.

Define it.

Define it in a way that it is not universal, but applies only to you.

But if it applies only to you, what about the person you love?

Since people have different definitions of love, how does one seek out a relationship that doesn’t crumble because of the different expectations of one another?

If both of you have the same expectations, that would be great. Sadly though, not everyone thinks the same way. We’re like snowflakes, no two exactly the same. Twins may be very similar, but they have their differences.

No one is the same.

You are special.

I am special.

We all are special.

Did that make sense?

How being special makes us unique, yet at the same time, this difference attracts people together?

If people are attracted by difference (the saying ‘opposites attract’ is true, not only in science) then why are we repulsed by it too?

Sigh.

Maybe I should just give up on love.

It doesn’t seem very useful anyways at this point of life.

Sure, having fun is great. Sure, experience (?) is great. Sure, love is amazing.

But having fun isn’t everything. But earning experience doesn’t make everything simple. But love doesn’t satisfy hunger.

Sigh.

Love, such an annoying thing.

I guess this is why, I’ll end mine today. I hope.

Love may not be something you can pick up, and toss away shamelessly, but life, is not something you can pick up, and break bits of it apart, because you only want a certain part of it.

Today, love will be defined as:

Something that makes people happy, yet sad. Something that makes the future seem bright, yet dull. Something that creates life, yet destroys it. Something that makes life worth living, yet ruins life at the same time.

There.

That’s love.

To me.

For now.

Anyways, the word count has hit 940 without this sentence and the sentences below it.

I can’t imagine anyone reading this entire thing, and not judge me differently.

See me in a differently light.

New opinion.

This is what happens, when a dent appears of your windshield. It breeds cracks, which expand at increasingly high rates. Then, it breaks. Your windshield is gone. And your insides, are completely visible. You are now showing your true self, without any masks there to save you.

Go on, and discover the world.

In the same new light, the world discovered you.

I hope you have a nice day.

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